I don't want a lot for Christmas/There's just one thing I need/I don't care about the presents/Underneath the Christmas tree

When I really look at myself, I often find regret not so much in things that I've done, as in things I haven't. Warning: typical sap and such ahead, and sorry I'm not done with this after . . . gosh, almost two years, but it is nice to lay out my thoughts, and I appreciate any of you who do read this blog and all my blatherings, I really do :)

Every time that Mariah Carey song comes on, I feel a little giddy inside. Giddy, accompanied by an ache somewhere inside that grows stronger all the time. Last week about this time, I was next door, probably halfway through my third drink and getting snookered enough to become a form of entertainment for those who knew me as "That quiet, shy girl from the pharmacy. Such a good girl." Although I am happy to report that everyone is still talking to me, so I apparently didn't make too much of a spectacle out of myself. Proof that I'm still a little paranoid and a little more loosening up probably wouldn't hurt me.

I kind of stayed a little glued to Pip that evening, and I kept putting my arms around him. Granted, yes, I was drunk, but I wasn't doing it because I was drunk so much as I knew I could get away with it because I was drunk. While it felt good to be completely at ease and uninhibited to stare a little longer than was normally comfortable, to put my arms around his neck and pull him a little closer than friends probably should be, I would do the same sober in a heartbeat. Funny how just a few moments can stick in your head and drive you absolutely mad. He was leaving, it was 11:30, he was due to swipe at the time clock at 5AM, and he had all that whiskey to sleep off in the short hours between. But I wasn't letting him go just yet . . . I hit the camera button on my phone, handed it to Dixie, and attempted my ridiculous licking of his face shenanigan. Well, she was sitting and we were standing, she was too inhibited to even work the camera properly (she has the same phone!) and I got tired of hanging my tongue out so I just pulled him close instead while she tried to sort motor skills out. I'm not sure when I put my head in the curve of his neck and rested against his shoulder, but heavens, it felt wonderful, and his arm was around me, and he smelled positively intoxicating, as always, and it was with more than a bit of sadness that Dix finally got some decent pictures of us and I felt his hand slipping down and away from me. In those few moments as we were giggling at our friend's inability to perform a simple task and I kept squeezing him so that our faces pressed together and I could glance down and see the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed . . . I've almost never been quite so content. And then it was over, and his brother was reaching out for hugs of his own, and then they were gone.

At first it was nice just to keep reliving those moments, but now I'm kicking myself for not doing more, the crowd of people be damned. I was right there, it would have been so easy to just turn my head and kiss his neck. There was the time he was beside me on the porch, and for reasons I forget now, he said "Bite me, Charlie!" Charlie . . . it's a nickname. Anyways, I should have bitten him just for the hell of it. Or held that ornery stare for just a little bit longer and see what would have happened. I was doing exactly what I wanted, when I wanted, and it was so easy. I think that like me, he was just drunk enough to know exactly what was going on and not care, and I think I could have done or tried anything with him in that state. And if this ever happens again, I plan to take advantage of him. Is that shameful of me? It only seems that way because if you swapped me for him, and it was Pip saying he wanted to take advantage of a drunk woman, people would frown upon it.

In my head, I see him being very affectionate and giving and sweet if I had tried what I feel I really should have. Honestly? It could all be completely physical and just as meaningless. But you know what? For the most part, I can accept that for what it is, and I just don't care. Would I like to be able to call him up or drop in on him whenever I felt like it, just to have someone to talk to or hold? Hells yes. But I also know that I finally feel like I'm ready to lose the V-card (pardon my lack of a better term!), and I feel right about it happening with him, whether it leads to a relationship or not.

I saw him yesterday at work and he says that either Dixie or myself have to take him to Moe's next week. I told him to let me know, and he's been pretty silent on the matter, like he's done before. He's such a strange creature, getting so friendly and then dropping off the face of the earth. Maybe he gets cold feet, or he just wants me to chase him, the latter of which grows very frustrating after a while.

Oh well. There's always New Year's, and a party is already in the works, and a good friend is once again making promises to get him there come do or die and shove us in a dark corner.

Excuse me, I might drink a little more than I should tonight

. . . which sometimes is not necessarily a bad thing. It was a really great weekend, I must say. One of the coolest people in the store also happens to live on the property right next to us, and to amend for the fact that she didn't have a Halloween party this year, she had a Nightmare Before Christmas party last night. Just like a regular adult-oriented Christmas party, only you show up in costume. My vampire fangs got the exact reactions I wanted, even if they didn't stay in after I'd have a few drinks and I had to pop them out and put them in the truck. But by that time . . . everyone was too wasted to notice or care much. It was an interesting night before it even started, honestly.

• Pick up Dixie on the other side of town because her husband is Peter Griffin and forgot to.
• Upon arrival, learn that she took a hit off an enormous bong minutes before I got there and is high out of her freaking mind.
• Stop at liquor store
• Go to drive through to get sustenance for friend on weed high.
• Exit driveway and park to give directions to the guy in maintenance, the one who looks like a leprechaun, and the huge guy in unloading.
• Receive text from Produce Guy who is about three miles away from the house and has no idea where to go next.
• Proceed to play phone tag with him because his phone keeps dropping calls right when I'm trying to tell him where to go.
• Arrive at house, get yet another call from Pippy and tell him to stay where he's at so I can come let him follow me.
• That awkward moment when we're all finally there and he blows out of the ghetto van, says he needs to use the front of my truck, and proceeds to pee in Carla's front yard. For several minutes.

I mean geez, she would have let him use the bathroom inside. Or he could have gone into the gas station where we rescued him. But then again, he'd apparently been 'pre-partying' while getting dressed and was already a few sheets to the wind, which would explain why his poor brother was already playing DD. Regardless, you know I've wanted to have alcohol and fun with him for a long time now, and I can say that while things started out a little slow, it was every bit as fun as I thought it would be. Not to mention it seemed like half the store showed up, too. Hugs from everyone! It was amazing. I've never had particularly friendly feelings for the leprechaun in maintenance, but I can't not like him anymore, I just can't. He puts on icy blue contacts and hugs me and calls me Charlie.

I really hadn't planned to have more than a few drinks, but well, sometimes things don't work out the way we mean them to and to put it bluntly, friends, I got slizzard. I have no idea what the fuck was in that orange Bacardi Rum Runner stuff but it slayed me. My judgement also told me there was nothing wrong with taking a big drink out of Pippy's cup when he offered it, which turned out to be whiskey and diet Coke O_o Dixie was the only one there who'd seen me that way before, and a lot of people just saw a whole new side to me, LOL! I kind of had a cloud of shame floating over me when I woke up this morning, but apparently last night ruled. No, I didn't sleep with anyone. There are, however, an alarming number of pictures circulating Facebook in which my arms are shamelessly locked around Pippy or his brother. What? His brother is a sweetheart, and besides that, OMFG, he snuggles when you hug him! No one can hate that. I hung all over a lot of people, male and female, but yeah, the ones of Pip were most photographed. I nearly licked him, too. Looking back, I really wish I had, it's not like he was pulling away or anything - I think I could have done any number of inappropriate things to him and he wouldn't have cared much. Ah, bless, I'm such an opportunist. Although I'm still trying to remember why we got into a shoving match while laughing at each other. Sadly, he had to leave after a few hours, since he had work at 5AM, suck. He missed me, Dixie, and Brian singing along with "Someone Like You" at the top of our lungs before leprechaun ran inside with his fingers in his ears begging us to stop. Also Brian was dressed like a woman - I don't think I've been to a party this year so far that didn't involve at least one gay/bisexual man dressed in drag.

And since it was right next door, I was just able to walk out and go home when I wanted to - on one hand Mom's asked me not to come home late anymore, and also not to come home drunk EVER, but it would have been dumb to stay next door. Thankfully she was already in bed with the lights out and after a quick exchange and her expressing genuine surprise that Flaky McFlakerson actually showed up, I chugged some water and went to bed. Woke up feeling woozy and crappy and thought for sure she'd be onto me, especially since I almost never shower first thing in the morning if I'm not working, but nah. I feel a little guilty but also relieved. It seems as if she honestly has no idea, especially after she expressed disapproval when she found out Pip brought whiskey and then went on to ask me if Ogre drinks at all and if I can't find someone who doesn't do that. Pip's such an ornery drunk though, and I love it. Not that I expect to really go anywhere with him, relationship-wise, but he's still hella fun and I like being with him.

Perhaps next time, my dear friends, I really will pull him a little bit closer and lick his face . . .

I'm beginning to think that God has let me remain single for a very good reason. The more I get to know people, even people I like, going places, making plans, doing things with them . . . it really can be a big, aggravating hassle. Or maybe I just haven't met the right people yet. Last weekend = epic failure. I can't blame my nephew entirely, since he's legitimately sick, but I'm still angry that he couldn't be bothered to tell me he wasn't coming until I slammed on the wall and asked him. Saturday I'd talked to Ken and we'd settled on a time to meet and pick him up and everything, and then he's just all "No, not this time, I have stuff to do" in the morning. I really don't have words. I can't even blame the house arrest this time. It's glaringly obvious this time that he just doesn't like me that way, but it's also clear that he doesn't have the balls to just man up and tell me 'no'. And now I still have to wonder why he insisted on seeking me out and asking me to lunch last month, he's just so freaking weird. I was ranting a little about it at work this morning and mentioned it wasn't the first time this particular 'friend' had flaked out on me. S, the pharmacist filling in while the boss is gone, said "Well Shiny, I'd have to say if this happens that much, it kind of falls back on you." She wasn't saying it to be mean or snarky, but she was very right, and I do claim responsibility for part of this mess this time. "Shame on you both", says Dixie, referring to myself and the guy known as Frosted Flake. Him for being such an ass and me for constantly expecting different results from him. Dix says she'll go to the beach with me this weekend. Meh. She also said "You might pick up a zombie, but I'll be there!" Yeah, she's planning on going to a friend's house Friday night and getting shit-faced drunk. I've seen her on the morning after a night of getting pissed. Yeah, she's gonna be worthless till about three in the afternoon. Sorry, but no. I'm just gonna have to tell her I plan on leaving REALLY early in the morning Saturday and we can go another time. I'm not having a friend screw up my weekend plans yet again, no matter how well-meaning they might be.

Truthfully, I want to go just by myself. Just to see what it's like, and let's face it, I know I can trust myself not to spoil my good time, if that makes sense. I won't flake out on me or decide I don't feel good in the middle of a fun day or constantly have to stop for a smoke or a rest. I might not want to jump up and leave the shore just because it's 6:50 and the changing rooms close at 7. I might want to watch the sunset with nothing but my own thoughts, or walk along the shore for however far without someone whining they're tired or bored and want to go back to the truck or get something to eat. I may not relish the idea of being alone, especially not for the rest of my life, but I've started to realize it's not as bad as I thought it was. People are just annoying, even if I do love them. While I was royally pissed off at Ken for doing what he did, AGAIN, I also was not looking forward to having to shop and pack up the truck and accommodate everyone, so amongst the angst and hurt feelings, I was also feeling relief. And then I did something I'm kind of ashamed of. I stayed in bed. All day. I didn't eat anything after breakfast until 7 that night. I quite literally stayed in bed all day because a man made me upset. I did take a break from the pity party to watch The Dark Crystal, which lifted my spirits, but still, oy. I had no motivation to do anything else, and the last thing I wanted to do was talk about it, which is all Mom seemed to be focused on every time I did show my face. Look Mum, I feel really stupid about this whole thing already without you dissecting every little detail, m'kay? Also I really can't agree with her about Kenny's brother. Apparently it was A-Ok for nephew to invite himself along, but she thought it was 'pathetic' when I said it was ok if Ken wanted to bring J. Because J is in his 40's, apparently that's what's so 'wrong' about that picture. Whatever. What I should have done that day is shrug off everyone and gone to the beach by my own damn self, but I'll know better next time. If I don't ask people, I can't be disappointed when they back out on me for no discernible reason. Maybe the solo life isn't so bad, and I'm going to seriously make an effort to try it out in the coming weeks. It may sound narcissistic, but I'm fine with being my own companion until I find someone who doesn't put a huge cramp in my style, and actually values my time and feelings. Everyone else can just go away.

You make me smile/please stay for a while now

AKA C'est la vie Part II.

Halfway through another workweek. I miss the boss. Not that the lady who is helping fill in his shifts while he's gone is horrible or anything, I actually really like her, but yeah, there's something about having the boss there, laid back, understanding, and all around a great guy. Even if he can't talk an octave below bellowing to save his life. I swear, you can hear him across the store. Well, we miss him and without him around, it makes it incredibly difficult to keep him up to tabs on Tardy's increasingly bad work ethics, or lack thereof. Hopefully it'll only be a few more weeks and we'll have him back. I'm bummed that Student tech will be leaving us in less than two weeks. She's forever cutting up with ridiculous statements and sometimes thinly veiled (but funny and true) insults. I'm also curious and slightly nervous at the prospect of her replacement. From what I understand, Raj's friend is almost a lock for the job, sounds like he's Indian, too. But then again I trust Raj, and if it's someone he thinks will be a good fit with the team, I shouldn't worry too much. And then I wonder if Tardy will throw a fit about the newbie 'stealing' her job like she does about the other guy. Then poor boss will have to hire another cashier, too.

Tardy's wedding is the third, and while I've told her I'll be there and I'm gonna mail back the RSVP, I really think I'm going to be 'unfortunately sick' that weekend. The number of times I've been begged to work on my day off, or she took a 90 minute lunch, showed up late, left early, or left me with a line of people while she chatted with her future mother in law or someone else about wedding plans has put me off of it, quite frankly. Is that too bitchy of a thing for me to do? Backing out due to illness just seems like it'd be a lot less trouble than explaining to her that I outright don't want to go and the drama it would cause. She's even changed it so that there's going to be a fancy sit down dinner afterwards, and I . . . I just don't do formal dinners very well at all, I don't care who is there. I've thought about asking if it's ok for me to bring a date and then go beg Ken to suffer through it with me, but I figure why put him through that as well. He'll think I'm nuts. I'll just invite myself over and share enough drinks with him to the point I really am unable to go anywhere. XD Nah . . . I'll just say I'm sick.

Truth be told, I'm not sure I'd be able to invite myself over to Ken's even if I felt we were 'tight' enough to do that. Like Dixie, my produce guy is also homeless for the time being. There's a slight bit of humor to be found, due to vague internet updates, and misleading comments from other friends. "Gonna be big changes and good ones in my life", you see, followed by "Let me know if there's anything I can do to help you with the transition" led me to believe he was coming out of the closet on us. I really and truly thought he was gay for a day or two, and figured that was the reason we clicked so well. I do <3 my gay friends to death, but I kind of panicked a little at the thought of him playing for the other team, and then I subsequently felt bad about that. But a simple 'I have no idea what's going on but I'm always here for you' was adequate enough to get him to spill that he'd gotten into it with his Dad and sister and decided it was time for him and J to move out until they can get court orders to get the house back. What a mess. In the meanwhile they're living in a motel room. Oddly enough, they both seem happier than I've ever seen them when they were living at 'home'. Although I imagine paying for the room is gonna get awfully pricey after a while . . .

I have to admit though, the unrest that the possible "Frosted Flake is gay" thing caused me made me realize that I still have strong feelings for him. Fuck. If he was only my friend, the idea that he might not be into women as much as he once was shouldn't bother me. I've decided that when the opportune moment presents itself, I'm just going to go in for the kill. He may respond in a good way, or he may never speak to me again. Either way, it might just be worth it if only to have an answer. He needs to check his schedule for the weekend, but if he's not working we both agreed I'm going to scoop him up and spend at least a day in St. Augustine. I'll give him a poke if he hasn't got an answer by Thursday, but at least he didn't outright say no. There was a storyline on House M.D. for a while involving Chase's pursuit of Cameron. She kept telling him no, but he insisted on reserving Tuesday for waiting until they were alone to remind her that he liked her and would like to try a relationship with her. Corny, but hell, the writers had to get that from somewhere. I think I'll model Dr. Chase for a while, if not quite in such a forward manner - I'm just gonna keep asking this guy out until he tries at least once, goes away, or I find someone else. It's not like it'll do any major harm. In the meanwhile I'll just try not to get my hopes up too much. Although the idea of spending a two hour one-way drive plus the time on the beach, restaurants and possibly motel room alone with him is kind of terrifying. What if we run out of things to talk about? What if he doesn't take me 'going in for the kill' very well and then I'm stuck driving him home for two hours? OMG . . . Oh well.

As for my other homeless friend, Dix and I are ok again, I guess. She's stopped being so possessive and weird, although I'm still convinced she married a manchild and has some growing up to do, herself. Oddly enough she's not at all peeved or surprised that I've re-lit the torch for this whiskey soaked brat, either, and thinks my 'just grab him and find out what happens' idea is brilliant.

My nephew came back last Friday, too. I was originally gonna get him on the 20th. Then it was "I can't take this anymore, I need you to come get me this Saturday." Then I was gonna get him Friday night since I got off early, and then my Dad just said forget it and dropped off the truck when he went back to work Friday morning and kid drove himself home. He's not really clingy or showing signs of being thrilled at being back, other than asking for pizza and Mountain Dew and chocolate ice cream on his Friday, but he was calling the house four times a day while he was gone. He'd ring my cell at 8 or 9 in the morning and talk for an hour, it was ridiculous and I felt really bad for him. I took him to Deathly Hallows part II on Friday night and that was fun. Alan Rickman, you break my heart, you really do. So it's life back to normal, or at least the way it was before Nephew left in the first place, although I really must admit, it's really nice having someone a little close to my age in the house again. Someone whose interests aren't exactly like mine, but go outside the range of sitting in the house watching crime dramas for hours on end on a weekend.

So all in all, it's been a nice, if un-extraordinary week. I have my nephew back, I'm not freaked out by Dixie anymore, and to some extent, I have Kenny back. What a dysfunctional little trio they are, but I'm beginning to realize just how much they all mean to me in their own weird little ways.

Maybe I am weak. Over sympathetic. Or maybe just weak and sympathetic when it pertains to certain people. I don't about him on the forums much anymore, because everyone breathed a collective sigh of relief when I took the step to 'delete' him from my life, and bringing him up again would just be asking for ridicule. But I've let him back in again, although I'm not obsessing or bordering on stalking him this time. And I would like to state that it was all him this time, and I was merely too weak and soft-hearted to Ice Queen my way out of his life. I was trying to hurry out the door for lunch, even moreso when I realized he was working just a few feet away from where I was walking. A few days later I ended up walking outside with him to the parking lot when he left and he asked me out to lunch for payday because he missed hanging out with me. So naturally that Wednesday I found myself getting showered and dressed and driving to town on my day off, because I swore I'd never be seen with him again and all that jazz. I'm confident it was a friends-only thing because he brought his brother, J. It was nice,albeit a little weird, but J is a sweet guy and we've met before. A sweet gay guy, as I learned only recently, which kind of shocked me. Usually my gaydar is pretty darned accurate and I would have probably never suspected. Gay rednecks, they DO exist! What an oxymoron, eh? Ken goes out to the gay bar with him sometimes and says they have a really good time; I didn't even know we had a gay bar in this little hick town. The first annual pride festival is happening there right this very minute, as a matter of fact. I kind of wanted to go since half of my Voldemart buddies are sure to be there and I love them to death, but I'm having a “Can't be arsed to do ANYTHING” kind of day. I'll go sometime though, that's the second time I've been invited to a gay bar and didn't end up going. Maybe before Student Tech leaves we'll hit one up with her and her girlfriend. But in short, yeah, I've gone and let Frosted Flake back in again, the future will show if I have chosen poorly. I even yellow bellied out and went “Um, hey I accidentally deleted you from Facebook. I haven't gotten used to the new phone yet and I must have clicked something. Sorry.” It's ok if you roll your eyes. But we're just friends and I'm satisfied with that, for the most part. As sappy as it sounds, I love him too much to cut him out completely, and he is nice to be around once in a while, although he's still evasive when I tell him I need to kidnap him for a weekend at the beach or get drunk together. One day, maybe. After lunch that day I thanked him (he paid for himself and me but poor J was on his own, eliciting further confusion from me, but whatever) and he gave me a big hug. The more I think about it, it kind of was the 'opportune moment', and J probably wouldn't have felt too terribly awkward if I had grabbed his baby brother by the head and laid one on him right there, but for then, the hug was enough. There's no telling what goes on in that whiskey-soaked mind of Ken's, but sometimes I have to remember that he's got a hell of a lot of stuff to deal with besides the weird redhead in the pharmacy. Short lived statuses revealed that he's not sure what's going on right now but that he still loves everybody, and that his daughter is mad at him and he intends to make it up to her by doing something, just the two of them, this weekend. It's curious that the statements that seem to actually come from his heart and prove he's got feelings after all are the ones he goes back and deletes in the morning. He's a strange creature, that's all I can say. Most friends can be curious creatures, as I've learned. The only real issue is . . . he's invading my dreams again. Multiple times nightly. And during afternoon naps, too. Hrm. And I wake up pissed off to find it isn't real.

I recently made the decision to distance myself from my friend Dix for a while, just at least a little bit. For a few weeks, it was getting to the point where she wanted to spend every last free minute we had together, even if it meant sitting in her living room watching Tivoed episodes of dreadful reality shows or me sitting at the lunch table bored to tears while she played fucking stupid Plants Vs. Zombies on her cell phone and didn't talk to anyone. Before the manager started giving me so many opening shifts, she relied on me to pick her up from her temporary home at a friend's house and take her to work, and then back at night. Except when I got there, I always had to wait for her to finish getting dressed, even if I was later than I said I would be, or finish a cigarette, or finish a level on the damn zombie game. And the same when we left at night. I don't care if she needs a quick smoke and I appreciate her being respectful enough not to try it in my truck, but put the damn phone down, I don't like waiting around for you to plant enough plants to keep animated zombies off your imaginary lawn or catapult birds at pigs. I also spent two late nights after work that week helping her move some things from their old house (it was repossessed) into her friend's house. Then she wants me to hang around at the place after I drop her off at night, even if I have an opening shift the next day. It wasn't too bad until the time she insisted I come in the house while her friend, friend's boyfriend and all the kids were gone, and then after a few moments abruptly said “I don't mean to be rude but if Friend comes home and finds people here in the house she'll have fuzzy kittens.” What the ever-loving FUCK?! I asked repeatedly if she was sure I should be in the house when her friend wasn't there, and she said yes, and then pretty much kicks me out on my ass? And still hasn't repaid the $40 I 'lent' them for gas. I just have a hard time garnering sympathy with them about losing the house – her husband has been out of work for months because he had a mental breakdown at the prison where he worked. He didn't really try very hard to get a new job, spending most of his time playing WoW or staying online all night or watching Supernatural all day. And then she, knowing they were in financial straights, still continued to smoke some of the most expensive menthols on the market, forked out $30 a month EACH for their WoW subscriptions, went out to restaurants, and bought a $90 a month smartphone plan, plus putting out for cable TV. Come on, if it was between that crap and losing my HOME, you'd better believe I'd be downsizing my damn lifestyle! That's not mentioning the little things . . . the comments about how she sometimes wants to kill her husband, or kill Ken, because they're assholes and no one would ever find the bodies. Um . . . I know 'kill the guy that broke your heart' has been a joke and a form of support for a while, but no. And no, I will not “Tell Ken you have a girlfriend LOLOLOL”. It just started to get a little creepy, is all. She seems back to normal now, but whew. I need a few new friends, LOL. Oh, and why, praytell, is her husband an 'asshole'? Because one morning she woke up 'sick' and asked him to get her clothes out of the closet and lay them out for her, after he'd been working all night and drove an hour to get home, and he said no. Grow the fuck up, sister. I'm sure that's part of the reason I was glad to go meet Ken and J at Moe's, it was just really refreshing to sit down with people who only periodically checked their phones instead of being glued to it the whole time, or went on and on about the latest crappy thing that happened to them and bemoaned the unfairness of life. I wanted to be supportive for her, but I was starting to feel like a doormat and a romantic parter rather than a friend. I dunno, I just think things are a little messed up when it's like “Lunch with friend A? Oh gawd . . .” “Lunch with friend B, with criminal record, drinking problem, and his brother? OMG yay!”

Although I have somewhat of a dilemma . . . before I decided to cut our time together, I told Dix I would request four days off at her birthday with her so we could go to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Orlando at Universal. Then I realized, what the hell are we gonna do there for three days? To put it delicately, she is . . . too large to fit on any rides. How much butterbeer and Honeyduke's products can one consume in three days and when will that start to get boring? Fortunately it sounds like my nephew's Mom is renewing his Universal pass so he'll at least be able to go with me. I've actually thought about inviting Ken, too, but she'd probably kill me and I doubt he could afford it anyways. Eh, you never know. I might get a pass and go back down afterwards for Halloween Horror nights, he did mention wanting to do that. And again, as Barbossa would say “But I doubt it.”

Ok, in other news! My poor nephew is incredibly homesick and fed up with his other grandfather and intends to move back up here ASAP. He was going to wait until October because that would end his probation period at his new job, but he's going to try to transfer now if they'll let him, and he's let me put his application back in at my Voldemart store. The two above mentioned dysfunctional friends both told me that no less that thirty people were fired last week, I'm sure they'll need replacing! Even if he doesn't transfer or get hired at my store, he's probably going to put in his two weeks noticed and come back down. I'm pretty darn thrilled. Not about the people getting fired, but about nephew coming back. For as much as I bitched about him and argued with him and called him a dumbass, it's been a really dull two months around here without him. I miss seeing movies with him and doing fun stuff with him and his friends. I haven't been to the beach or springs since he left because everyone is always busy and I can never get Ken to go with me, either. Nephew hasn't gotten to see the new Potter movie yet because his grandfather won't take him and he can't get a friend from work to take him, either. His grandfather gets mad if he even buys a six pack of soda because “ZOMG you're supposed to be saaaaaviiiiing your monnnneeeeeyz!” It just sounds perfectly miserable and the old man sounds like a real asshole. He says he talks and texts too much. Uh, hello? What else is he supposed to do all day in a senior retirement community in a house with no door on his bedroom? I don't know why he invited him down there to live if he was gonna be like this. He's also been bitching he can't have 'female company' over with nephew there. What the fuck he's 70, I don't even wanna think about that. Anywho I've told Nephew just to let me know and I can come get him in a pinch if I have the day off, but I also told him to give notice and not just up and quit his job like I've done. Honestly I really can't wait until I get that call or text letting me know he's ready for me to drive down there and get him. When I do I'll see if I can scoop up his best friend to bring along as a surprise. And then I WILL find a theater that's still playing Deathly Hallows Part II and we WILL go see it! Mind, Mom did take me, but I feel so bad for him. He can't not see it, that would just be mean.

Work is work, although I'm realizing how funny Student is and just how much I'm gonna flipping miss her after she's left for college. Most of the time I and others end up laughing until we cry, it's because of some bizarre conversation we had and her contributions to it. A memorable one from Friday is when I told her and several others “Listen you guys, if I EVER get like that nasty old bat at my counter right now when I'm old, you all have my full permission to push my wheelchair off a cliff!” She went into a full blown and animated tirade about how they could take me to the Grand Canyon and go “Ooops, she musta got too close to the edge and caught her wheel on a rock. Man, we ain't gonna miss that tired old nasty thing.”

And now for some snippets of stupidity we dealt with the past few weeks dealing with the general public.

1. Ms. Tardy is habitually late, but Friday, the guest pharmacist, who is pregnant, called her before her shift started and asked could she please clock in, go to McDonald's, and get her a large sweet tea. Twenty minutes after ten, t shows up, Tea in hand. “Sorry it took me so long. The guy in front of me went up to the counter and said he didn't know what he wanted. Well, he knew what he wanted but he didn't know what it was called. 'The thing with apples.' After about five minutes they figured it out. He wanted apple pie.”

Me: “It took two people five minutes to figure out that 'the thing with apples' was apple pie?!”

“No, it took THREE people five minutes to figure that out. The stupid customer and two employees.”

Stay in school, kids!

2. From yesterday. (and the real tradgedy? I wasn't even supposed to be there. I swapped out with Shorty because she needed the day off)

Me: “Date of birth?”

Customer: “555-123-4567”

And again. Different moron this time, but moron just the same.

Me: “Date of birth?”

C: “567 Southwest Blah Street”

Die in a fire.

This is for all the people who:

Know the pharmacy opens at 9AM and will show up at the store EVERY Saturday without fail and get in line five minutes before we open.

See the sign out that says “The Pharmacy will be closed from 1:30 – 2:00 PM for lunch. Thank you” and insist on piling into line at 1:20 – 1:25 despite the five people already standing there. You stupid fuckers.

The people who see the sign after we've already closed down for lunch, and wait around for us to come back at 2 (or after, seeing as how the pharmacist kind of, you know, needs to eat) and then proceed to huff and puff and roll your eyes at us and thank us for making you wait. It's thirty lousy minutes out of our TEN hour Saturday. See how you feel after having that little of time to swallow some lunch and drink a soda.

Pile into line 5-10 minutes before close, again, despite the cluster of people already in front of you.

All of you? Get a life. Seriously, get one. We are open 70 + hours a week and you have to pick open and close times to run in here and fill that scrip you've been holding onto since JANURARY! This even pisses off the pharmacy manager, and he's one of the most laid back people I know, it takes a lot to get him visibly annoyed.

That's about all for now. It'll be a week or two until I have two consecutive days off again, since I swapped half a weekend with Shorty, but she swapped with me a while back when I needed her to, so it's all fair. I wish I didn't keep accumulating these customer stories to put here, but alas . . .

C'est la vie.

It's something I said, or someone I know. Or you called me up, maybe I wasn't home . . .

I've been mostly good. Mostly. It's had its moments, certainly, but it's not all gloom and dark clouds like I feared it would be. I've actually gotten to the point where I'm incredibly open to the idea of finding someone else, and I'm actually ready this time, instead of brooding on what I can't have. Although I won't pretend that part of me doesn't still say, to put it bluntly - "Ken, Y U NO STOP FUCKING UP UR LIFE?!"

Let's talk about work for a while, to change things up, eh? Don't worry, there's more personal shens to be had in this post. One of the other cashiers in pharmacy is, to put it frankly, driving us all out of our fucking minds. She's constantly late, takes forever to do things that me and Shorty could do in 1/2 the time, by ourselves or together, and will do almost anything to avoid being on the register, I swear it's like trying to get blood from a rock. I guess since she's a certified tech, she thinks that she should be back doing tech work instead of cashiering, but she is NOT a tech, it's not her job description. So I really wish she'd get her ass out from behind the pharmacy counter and out there where me and Shorty spend the better part of our days. Even if Shorty or I have started a project because we open on a particular day, Tardy will stealthily make sure she takes over it while we're on the register and leaves us stuck there. Then she'll fart around answering the telephone or 'troubleshooting' stuff on the computers, pissing off literally everyone. Now, as a person outside of work, she's alright and I like her, but working with her is putting a serious chip on my shoulder, I don't care if she's been there for almost two years. She usually was on the 9-6 schedule all the time and then Shorty and I noticed that we were both getting a lot of those shifts with Tardy getting our closing ones. Turns out, this was by request from several technicians who were pleased when either of us opened on Tardy's days off and found we actually showed up on time and did our damn job, and efficiently too, I might add. Of course she's ticked off and can't figure out why the manager is giving her 'weird' schedules, even though he has spoken with her about the tardiness in the past. And the 20 minute bathroom breaks. And being gone on a 15 minute break for half an hour. And the 80 minute lunches. And the calling out sick all the time. Come on now, me and Shorty have lives outside work, too, and we'll cover because we don't want everyone to suffer, but it really does get old fast. One of our technicians has been accepted into pharmacy school (OMG YAY! We're incredibly proud of her and she and her humor and good attitude will be sorely missed). Tardy is convinced that the position will go to her, even though one opened last year and the manager decided to hire an older guy over from another department instead. An older guy with no experience, but a certificate. Hmm. There's talk of:

A tech from another store wanting to transfer here because they're moving

A pharmacy student/intern that is friends with Raj, one of our pharmacist, who is really interested as well and who Raj thinks would be a great fit with us, and

D, another tech, said she'd be thrilled if I got Student's old job after she leaves, although since I have no certification or anything, this is really doubtful. Flattering though.

But either way you slice it, it doesn't look like Tardy is being considered for the job at all, and if our manager has any kind of good sense he will NOT give it to her. Absent techs hurt us, really bad, and I doubt her behavior would change if she changed positions. All I can say is, once that job is filled and she doesn't get it, shit will hit the fan, to be sure. She'll either quit out of anger or let her behavior get so bad that poor manager will be forced to terminate. I do plan on speaking to him tomorrow if I can though, I'm tired of doing the work of two people when there's no reason for me not to. FFS, I was a few minutes late leaving tonight because she decided to run behind the counter and grab the telephones, letting me get tied up with a customer who had a tricky order and questions. Not to mention what she pulled Tuesday, not telling me she had an appointment so I could go to lunch and be back in time for her to leave. Normally its not a big deal if opening cashier stays a few minutes late and I figured no big deal. But when I got back, she was gone and poor old guy tech was on the register pissed off to high heavens because she waited until five minutes to six to tell everyone she had an appointment, meaning he got stuck covering until I got back, and I felt bad. She had ALL day to tell me that and didn't, instead she was more concerned she got all her entitled breaks. Which, btw . . . hardly any of us take our breaks, ever. And she doesn't smoke so that's not an excuse either. Gah. Oh well, just had to get that out!

Ready for more personal crap? Yes? Yay! Like I said, it's been mostly good. As a matter of fact, there's a guy who manages at the Moe's Southwestern Grill where Dix has gotten me frequenting a lot, and I'm starting to think he might be interested. Or he could just be friendly. he was in the store a few weeks ago and made sure I knew he was there and stopped to talk for a little bit. I went in last week and I'm fairly sure he was blatantly staring at me from behind the counter while I was eating. Today I go in and he's chatty, as usual, and pretending to throw things at me. "Imaginary black olives," he said. Joke being, I always want olives on my burrito which makes Dix and Ken (he used to come with us) literally gag, and it's funny. Then he picked up a REAL black olive and chucked it right at me. Then he tried hanging onto my food after I'd paid and we got into a slight tug of war with it. Maybe we've just built up a really nice customer/service type rapport, but I have to say that's the only place I frequent where an employee threw food at me and I thought it was hilarious. Actually it's the only place I've ever had food thrown at me, to be honest. I just don't wanna read into things too much again after the whole other thing. And if it does look like a prospect, the first thing I'm gonna do is run a criminal background check! ;-)

Speaking of the criminal . . . oh my giddy gawd it appears that dipshit has sobered up and remembered I exist. Last week he tried getting in my way while we passed each other down an aisle (and believe me I tried to avoid him) so I bodyslammed him as hard as I could. It would have been totally satisfying had he not seemed to enjoy it. I honestly think I could throw him down and beat or whip him to my heart's content and he'd jizz himself. Weirdo. Tuesday I had to pick Dix up and we ended up getting there early. She wanted a smoke before work so we sat down, thankfully away from him, but he came over and sat with us and tried making conversation and asked when I'd gotten the new phone. Tried to keep it short and not too sweet. Today I'm attempting to walk out the door for lunch (to get olives thrown at me, apparently) and he flagged me down and waved me over. Argh.

"So did you get a new number with the new phone?"

"Yeah."

O__O "Then WHO have I been sending messages to?! [sad5]"

"Oh my god . . . my Mom. She has that line now."

Although I was kind enough to let him know she had all those features blocked before he started to flip out too badly, and that she probably never saw the messages.He's frightened of my Mom, for some reason. All 4-foot 10 3/4 inches of her. He assured me he didn't send anything off-color, but he was still freaked out.

"I sent you the number a month ago, you were probably drunk off your ass. I sent you the picture of the Ho-Sauce, too."

"Ohhhhh, so that's who that was, it was you! I kept sending messages to your old number and I was wondering why you weren't answering back!"

He's a smart one, ain't he, folks? Let this be a lesson to you all that excessive alcohol consumption does indeed kill brain cells. He went on to tell me he wants to come have lunch with me again and even that his 1-10 shift is on the 27th and if I'm closing that day he wants to do lunch hour then, too. And that I need to come on one of his river trips with him but that I should be warned, last time they all got really drunk and ended up skinny dipping in the dark. What the fuck, man. Once he realized I was the person who sent him the 'mysterious' messages and pictures of Ho-Made bbq sauce (Yes, this does exist, look it up!), he was all happy and said now he could text me again and that he'd let me know when he was going to the river next because he really needs to ditch his other friend who always wants money. What is this I don't even . . . wow. The worst part is I'm not sure I still wouldn't go with him, for all that I've said. Although the prospect of his friends scares me, they seem like a bunch of wild shits. Him I'm ok with. Them? Not too sure now. I kind of wish he'd just kept on acting like I didn't exist, because I know I can do better.

In other news, I reached a slight milestone last weekend. I went to Dixie's house where there was a copious amount of Red Bulls and a 750ml bottle of Jagermeister waiting, and between the two of us, it was gone within a couple of hours, maybe less. Her husband decided to just sip on rum instead of getting smashed up. I would have done alright if I hadn't laid down in the back of her pickup truck, I think. The effort of sitting up made me kind of sick, but I felt better afterwards. To anyone who said I'd be a damn mean drunk, nya nya. To anyone who said I'd be a fucking hilarious drunk, you win. I think my conversation wavered between "LOOK, STARS. They're MOVING!" to "Kenny is a deadbeat and probably has every disease known to man" to "I would fuck Barbossa if he were a real person. And Will. At the same time." Then I passed out watching Robot Chicken. Fun times, although I still think getting drunk is overrated. And from what I heard, I bet for damn sure I could drink my friend Kenny under a table.

Anywho . . . those are my musings for now. Maybe I should frequent Moe's even more often than I already do. Otherwise I fear I'll end up with a bloodstream full of vodka naked in the river with a criminal.

Baby, I have no story to be told

. . . but I've heard one on you and I'm gonna make your head burn

The final straw has been discovered, and while I did not confront Ken (The Pippy persona gets dropped here, he's not good enough for it anymore) with my feelings. I now have a reason to hate him. Last night I had a slight head explosion when I read "anybody got any ideas for babby girl names also anybody have 3 mos support." What in the ever loving FUCK, dude? He deleted it after he was barraged with floods of comments asking if he was having another kid, so I guess no one ever found out what that retarded statement truly meant, but if it's as transparent as he is stupid, it's horrible news. I hope for the hypothetical child's sake that it's absolutely untrue, because no one, no one deserves to have a father like Ken. Also pity the poor bitch who screwed him without protection, because she's in for a real 'treat', no doubt. Then this morning I woke up to find the 'babby' status deleted and replaced with "Damn near went to jail last night thank god for good ol' boy country cops who know who people are." I for one am not thankful for 'good ol boy' cops. I have no idea what this fucker did THIS TIME, but his stupid ass should have been hauled straight off to jail. He's had too many chances. From the law, from me, from his other friends who gave up on him. He learned nothing. God help him, if I find out he's been driving drunk or endangering people in any other way with his stupidity, I will rip his testicles off, coat them in barbecue sauce, and force feed them to him with a hot poker. I should have listened to those weird feelings I got inside me last year when I first found out he was a fucking criminal; I was scared, and for a while was really uneasy being around him. I should never, never have pushed those feelings away and tried to fix him, to love him, to even think about "If you can't beat him, join him." The only person Ken cares about is Ken, and he doesn't care who he has to push, shove, or mow down out of his way to entertain himself. He's become a complete and utterly different person since getting rid of the anklet, and that person kind of makes me want to throw up, though I can't pinpoint exactly why. He hasn't even had eye contact with me in two weeks, and I'd be very happy at this point if it stays that way forever. He's the kind of person who is going to have to hit absolute rock bottom before he straightens out, if he ever does. Something horrible is going to have to happen to him or someone he cares about (if he's capable of caring about anyone at all), before he gets the shock that he needs to stop being a dickhole, put down the liquor an have a nice tall glass of Grow the Fuck Up instead.

So you go ahead and keep on flirting with the law, you worthless redneck shithead. Do it again, and do it soon, and hopefully next time my friend Steve or Robert will be the arresting officer and they have low tolerances for stupidity. Keep on publicly whining about how much you hate being at work and piss off your entire department. You'll show up drunk and hungover one too many times and eventually they will have had enough of it, no matter how much T might like you. Although I'd really rather you didn't lose your job and end up on welfare, because I certainly don't want my tax dollars funding your shens. You had over a year. A year to be a decent person, who couldn't go too terribly wild. You made dozens of friends at Volde-Mart who really like and care about you, now watch as many of them, I'm sure, will drop you like the nasty habit you are because they can't stand your hijinks anymore. Or maybe it's just me. You really, really scare me now and I can't help but be incredibly grateful for the fact that you never found out where I live and you don't know I'll be alone for the next 9 days. I loved the person I knew from last May to this one, but maybe he never really existed and it was all one big elaborate act. He was a great guy, despite his flaws. But the person he turned into is a literal nightmare. Maybe you were always like this. But either way, we're through. Your phone number is gone, the pictures of you on my phone are deleted, and thank the powers I'll never read another one of your drunk updates that sadden me and make me worry myself sick again, only to find it mysteriously gone in the morning. Kindly go burn in hell, just make sure you don't drag any innocent people with you. Have a nice life.

Circles

No beginning, no end, they just keep going round and round. Sometimes I feel like my life, as well as the way I write here, goes in circles, although technically it did begin somewhere. I'm feeling very anti-Produce Man at the moment. He had his anklet removed Thursday and for the four days following, kept a steady flow of pictures going as well as the occasional status containing the words 'wild night', 'hot tub', 'fake tits' and 'biting'. On one hand I seethed with jealousy and distaste, but the pictures of him out and about (he didn't share the fake tits, thankfully), looking happier than I've ever seen him, made me a little squeeish inside. He was obviously happy and it made me giddy, too; even if I didn't approve of everything he was doing, I was glad he was having a good time. But this was also the telling point of a lot of things for me, the way I see it. Before, I figured he didn't want to talk much, didn't want to have me over, because, well, I'd see the bracelet. Now? Now there's really no excuse. I texted him to give him my new phone number, he never responded. I asked when he was coming back to work because it wasn't the same without him there, and he never responded. He did, however, respond, when I sent him a picture of "Ho-Made BBQ Sauce" that was sitting on a store shelf. The fucker just doesn't contact me. The first place he went after he got loose? Well, some nasty place with his brother in law. Then his sister's river place. Not that he gets in the water or boats. He just drinks and fishes and then drinks some more. Then he hit a bar. And another, and probably another. Got up for work early this morning and lamented the fact he couldn't have anymore shots because he had to work. Got home from work and mused how much he can't wait for another day of laying around drinking cold ones. And maybe hang out with a guy friend and some booze and fishing poles.

I saw him when I walked in today, but he had his back to me and I didn't bother approaching him. He doesn't contact me, he doesn't respond to me. I don't know if he's still hung up on this bullpuckey about 'corrupting' me, in which case he needs soundly smacked upside the head with a sparkly purple strap on, or if he really does think I'm that pathetic and undesirable and to be left in the 'friends at work only' category. Either way, I'm fairly fed up with it. FFS, he's so stupid. I've come to the conclusion that there will never be anything meaningful between us, but at this point I really and truly just want to have fun with him. Mind, I think he drinks too much, but I'd still not be opposed to getting wasted with him on a weekend. Benefits? I think yes, unless he's got something nasty he picked up from a fucking prostitute.

I try, and I try, and I try. I work and scheme so hard to get his attention, to find things to do with him, and I'm forever ignored, or he says yes and has no intentions of following through whatsoever. Why? Because he's a yes-man and doesn't know how to turn people down. He's always said yes. It made him a father at 17. And then again at 24, thinking it would be different, but at least he got his trophy son. "Hey, Pip, traffic these pills for me?" Well, that one landed him in jail. "You want the 5-2 shift even though you'll bitch endlessly about it?" Yes to that as well. From reading FB, I understand he blew off plans with some other coworkers Friday night as well, and claimed he got lost. How in the hell do you get lost with a designated driver in a town you've never left? You just drink and you drink and you drink and hang out with the bottom feeders of the community and worship the ground they piss on. Beer and fishing and fake tits, I get it. I'm books and movies and very slightly games with the occasional vodka and Jager thrown in. I don't MIX the two at once, obviously. We just wouldn't work together because we come from such different worlds. But I do know how to have fun, and he won't give me that chance and it pisses me off more than words can communicate. It's so hard to stop caring about someone, because I won't deny I have feelings for him, and I do love him, in however a strange and blind way. But if I didn't, none of this would bother me as much as it does. I wish I could have seen him for what he was when I first met him; I thought he was a straight-laced good ol' boy, clean and chivalrous and a gentleman. Then he showed a little of his cheek and I liked that, too. I know he's not and never will be the clean cut man I took him for, but it's hard to tell that to the part of you that loves unconditionally. In years past, I've had two men, who started as customers at places I worked, pursue me. Persistently. While I wouldn't touch either of them with a pole, I have to admire their perseverance. Coming through my checkout line or waiting at the front door of the store over, and over, and OVER. Pip only has me when I'm convenient to be there and he doesn't have any other plans. He was on fucking house/work arrest and was probably only so eager to hop in with me and go to food joints because it was literally the only chance he had of getting out without getting in trouble. He doesn't need me anymore, and that hurts. Then I remember that he has said we will do stuff this summer, but I don't think he'll follow through, and that hurts, too. Given the examples of them men I mentioned earlier, I have to concede, that if he were interested, then goddammit, he'd be after me, wouldn't he? I don't know what's wrong with him. Maybe he'll settle down in a few weeks once the shiny newness of his rediscovered freedom wears off and he'll go back to being the same stupid, lovable idiot I used to go to lunch with. Maybe he won't. But if his behavior this past week is any indicator of the 'real' person that he is, then well, I have to say I liked him a lot better while he was on house arrest if being a free citizen turns him into a redneck douchebag. Sometimes I've even wished he'd do something really stupid so he'd land his sorry rear back in jail and I wouldn't have to see him anymore.

The cycle keeps repeating, and I'm tired of it. I fall for him, he does something to make me think we at least have a chance at a fun friendship, that he really does care about me as a person, and then he'll grow cold, ignore me, I ignore him back, get pissed off at him, and start to fall out of love. I'll be nearly done with him, able to walk past him without the urge to go visit him or poke his arm, like this morning. And then sooner or later he gets real friendly again and my hopes soar once more, everyone comments on my quirky or unusually good mood, and Raj the Pharmacist will ask me if I've been swallowing Zoloft. I really hope I don't do this again, but I have a feeling it'll happen at least one more time before this whole crappy situation comes to a head and the pus of angst and bad feelings and broken hearts goes kablooey all over the place. I guess the most logical (notice I refuse to say 'easiest') thing to do would be to sit him down and have a heart to heart, to let him know how I feel about him. Okay, maybe not the "I know what you've done. I know what kind of a person you are and I love you anyways. I've loved you for the past year" thing, but the "Hey, you are a GREAT person and I think you're a lot of fun and I think we should have some no strings attached, weekend fun. We'll be as bad or as good as you like, and you can get as wild and lewd as you want. I also find you incredibly sexually attractive." If he's pleased, great, if he rejects me, that's possibly even better because at least then I'd have a straight answer and, be it right or not, a reason to hate him.

Jesus is my virtue, but Judas is the demon I cling to

Gaga is still making sense, HALP. It all goes back to my upbringing again. All my life I believe that drinking and sex were wrong. Well, sex outside of marriage, at least. And now I find the larger part of myself not caring and wanting to go there. Memorial day weekend I packed up car soap, sponges and a brush, picked up a six pack of Smirnoff Green Apple and went to Dixie and her husband's place where the three of us washed our trucks together and got progressively more inebriated as the night wore on. Mind, they know I'm an alcohol novice and kept a close eye on me so I wouldn't become an idiot or spend half the night hugging a toilet. I think mostly we ended up in front of YouTube or the TV or playing Xbox and then watching my Big Bang Theory DVDs until about 2 in the morning. In short, I had a pretty good time and intend on doing it again, even if I . . . I do feel incredibly guilty about it.

Then there's the part of me that really wants to just go ahead and lose the virginity. Not just for the hell of losing it, but . . . you know? Hopefully I'm making sense here. I don't see myself getting married anytime soon, so why not have fun? Pippin has incredibly loose morals, borders on alcoholism, and to put it bluntly just doesn't give a shit. I'm not sure he'll ever settle down or want something exclusive and somehow I'm ok with that and I still want him. We already get along and he's just THERE and single and has a drawer full of condoms sitting around collecting dust. (Dear god, what can I say, I have some weird-ass conversations with my coworkers) He spends most of his free time hosting liquor parties and getting up to all sorts of inappropriate hijinks, and while that once and still does annoy me to some extent, it makes him easy. Listen to me, I mean . . . it makes him easy?! But honestly, the idea of getting him just a little drunk and seeing if being under the influence will make him let me have my way with him has occupied my mind a lot as of late. Getting straight to the point, I seem to have decided that if I can't have him for a boyfriend, I want benefits between us. Like I said, I just wasn't raised to think or behave like this and it's frightening and empowering at the same time to just embrace it, and my biggest fear is the risk of getting pregnant rather than what my family would think. It's gotten to the point where I think Mom knows that I get up to stuff she wouldn't approve of. But all she says now is “Any kind of drinking, partying, going to jail . . . if it happens, I don't want to know. Just DON'T come home drunk and don't expect me to bail you out. But really, I just don't want to know.” What she'd say or do (since I live at home rent free) if I ever succeeded in my plan to seduce my friend I don't know, but I plan on doing my damndest if I can manage it. I keep making comments at him about taking him away or kidnapping him for the weekend and he'll somewhat reluctantly agree that we could try going to the river or something like that and then follow it up with “But I don't wanna corrupt you.” Ah, there it is again. Do I really come across as that innocent? Even when I was a church mouse, the guys, and girls, for that matter, would treat me like I was the innocent little baby sister and I hated it. I kind of thought Pips was different in that he doesn't stop himself from having lewd conversations with me or while I'm in earshot, but I guess it still nags at him like it did all those members of the contemporary Christian band years and years ago. Pip honey, my mind is a fucking cesspool and honestly I think a little corrupting would do me some good at this point. I don't wanna end up that lady who lives with dozens of animals (oh god, I'm already halfway there!) and dresses her dogs up in clothes. Although I have to say two of my friends in the pharmacy do this and they're wonderful gals. Married though. Let's just say I don't wanna end up a 60 year old virgin who dresses up her dogs. I know you're a nasty horny little bastard and our conversations have gotten more 'comfortable' and dirty over the past few months. I know you were a little drunk when we had the whips and cuffs talk and you said you like to be punished, but you were sober as a judge when you made that comment about the quiet ones being the ones you had to watch for, and 'damn I bet Shiny's a freak, aren't you?' and I haven't forgotten. That tells me your mind WENT THERE, at least once. Your mind might be wrapped around me a little better than I thought, but gods please don't be afraid to 'corrupt' me, although that's sweet of you to be cautious. I'm not sure how you can be such a gentleman and such an immoral bastard at the same time, but I love it. If someone pulled Sawyer and Charlie out of LOST and combined the characters, well, they'd have you.

Sorry for the frankness of my post tonight, but I want to be 'corrupted' as everyone jokes about me. I want this man to corrupt the hell out of me and I wonder if he'd be willing to teach me everything he knows if he found out just how inexperienced I am, if he hasn't already realized it.

Yes, I blame Lady Gaga.

You know you're in trouble when Lady Gaga makes sense

What the fluff? This guy is like a fritzy heating gauge or a broken cooler or something! He was doing his 1-10 yesterday (Well, 1-8. He told them that was the only way he could come back at 5AM and be functional) and asked me almost when I walked in the door when me and Dix were going to lunch because he wanted to come. Just like we all used to. Maybe I'm reading into things too much again, and he wasn't being cold with me but genuinely had things going on. God knows it's only likely, the way his life is. While May 6 came and went, and he's still not being totally up front with me about the house arrest I know he must be on, I gather the date has been moved and he's still got his leash on. But he's not being entirely evasive anymore, either. A Facebook conversation during which he was slap drunk and me and Dixie were being ourselves, I somehow got myself roped into paying for him to get "Hillbilly Deluxe" tattooed on one of his buttcheeks. I thought he'd wake up in the morning and change his mind, but it seems he really does want it, only "Not until after June 16." Today he scolded me for having 2/3 of the weekends off and said he's gonna make me come in and work produce, I told him to just request my weekends off instead and I'll drag him to the beach because nephew is probably moving away and I won't have a beach buddy anymore. He said any weekend after June 16 would be great. So it's not that he forgot he told me we could do stuff together this summer, it's just that he honestly can't, unless he wants to violate his punishment and go to prison. I really wish he'd just be upfront about it, although at least he's not trying to make plans he can't keep anymore, at least . . . with me. Dixie was all excited and told me I have to come over tomorrow because "Pippy's coming over and we can all get drunk!" Eru bless him, I know he's not coming, and he really shouldn't have told her yes, and I finally gave her a 'between me and you' heads up as to why he flakes out all the time so she won't get mad at him again. I'll go over anyways; she and I are both off until Tuesday and what better way to spend a 3-day holiday weekend? I feel bad because Mom told me "Oh sure, go have fun. Just don't do dope or get drunk . . . or run up a huge bill with premium text messaging!" (Yeah, nephew did some weird shit with his phone and is in hot water). I'm staying the night so hopefully I can sleep off the drunk and she'll never know. Another reason I just need my own place. I understand why she's concerned, both her father and my Dad's Dad were alcoholics and she's afraid I'll turn into one, too. But really, I need to live a little.

Maybe Pips will make good on his agreements to let me get his ass inked or take him to the beach, maybe he won't. Maybe I shouldn't spoil him like the typical, 'traditional' male would spend money on the woman. But I've been paying for nephew's dinners and movie tickets and taking him and his friends to the beach, and he's a grown ass adult, so I don't see the difference if I spoil Pips in his place. Maybe I'll regret it and start hating him again. But there's only one way to find out, and I guess it's better to regret doing something than to regret not doing it.

And now, tales from the Funny Pharm

Talk to any retail or fast food working and we'll tell you that one of our biggest peeves is a customer on their cell phones in line. It especially irritates the pharmacy technicians, because most of the time, dropping off your Rx to be filled requires MORE communication than flinging a piece of paper at them and then getting your panties in a wad when they tell you the wait is longer than five minutes. They often need to know your drug allergies (you know, so we don't dispense something that will kill you), and in the case of controlled drugs, your address. Don't approach the window, flapping your lips away, and then pointedly tell the person on the other end "Ugh, I gotta go, this lady wants to talk to me!" It's not appreciated in the pickup line, either. Older woman from last week, you should know better. You already held up the line asking half a dozen redundant questions, put a bunch of non-pharmacy items up for me to ring, and then pulled out your phone to DIAL a call and didn't pay me until you had finished your conversation. Everyone behind you was really pissed off, by the looks on their faces and the silent exchanges I had with them via eye contact, though fortunately none of them took out their frustration on me.

Rant the second - people who take and/or drop off scrips and have NO idea what they are. You are all just idiots and a medical disaster waiting to happen. FFS, know what this stuff is and don't tell me "I want the two I dropped off earlier, I just DON'T want the ones from Dr. Knowsnothing, I had an allergic reaction to that. I think it was a cream."

"Sir, one of the scrips you dropped off earlier is for a cream, and it's the only cream I see on here."

"I DON'T want the cream, I had a reaction."

"Nystatin?"

"Yeah, yeah that was it. I don't want it."

Then you came back later to pick them up, wondering where the fucking Nystatin was because that was one you DID want. You farking idiot! I told you multiple times I couldn't tell which Dr. wrote which scrip, I don't have that information on my terminal! How hard would it be for people to actually learn what they hell they're swallowing, slathering on, inhaling, or shoving up their asses? Nothing's quite as frustrating as someone with seven scrips ready who only wants to pick up one, but they don't know which one or what it's for. Well, it's a pill and it costs $4 a month and it starts with the letter M. Just like the other six.

And yet, I still enjoy going to work every day and wouldn't swap my job or coworkers for anything in the world.

Ah, sweet music

Back in October, I was listening to this with my head in the clouds. It was a good feeling.

Now I can't stop listening to this.



While the lyrics fit almost exactly, except for the first kiss part, since I never had one, it's not such a good feeling. Sometimes I sing it out loud, alone or with a friend, and it's freeing. Other times I sit and listen and cry quietly. It comes back in waves; I think that I'm over him, and then it all comes back again. Maybe weaker each time, but it comes back nonetheless, and I hate it. I never really got over the drummer from church until I met Pippin. And now? Now I have to wait for the next guy to come along and give me butterflies before I'm over this one? I wish I didn't feel the need to be validated by a member of the opposite sex, that I could just be happy with the friends I have. I saw him this morning and he waved. He waved, and that was it, he kept on walking where once he would have stopped and kept my attention for as long as possible. He used to come to the pharmacy and pretend to be a problem customer, or walk up to the drop off window and give Dixie a long, detailed, and hopefully fabricated story about a horrible fungus rash in his groin. And then he used to come by at lunchtime and harass me until I left with him. Why? Why did he stop? No rhyme, no reason, and I wish I understood why; it hurts, and I really wish I could just stop thinking about it, trying to figure out what happened for things to get so cold between us.

Maybe it was just me getting my response from him. I said I'd start to come on a little stronger, invade his personal space, touch him and try to cuddle on him. I did, and now he's pretty much gone. Someone I used to spend every possible free minute with, have lunch with three or more times a week, is now nothing more than an acquaintance. How sad. I'm kind of pathetic, and there's nothing I can do about it. We've seen it in TV shows and in movies countless times; there's this one poor man or woman who is a complete sap, completely and utterly smitten with someone who probably couldn't care less about them, the classic story of unrequited love that unfolds as the person's friends look on in pity, constantly trying to snap them out of it. But life isn't like the movies, not all the time. But I still hope I find my happy ending, in myself or in someone who really is worth my time.

What the . . .

I get annoyed with Blogger sometimes. I had this whole post typed out and went to post it only to find out the site went read only. I went into my drafts yesterday to post it and some of it was missing, and the site was still read-only. Today I went to see if I could post it and the whole entry is gone. BAH! Oh well. It all boiled down to:

We see some weird ass names in the pharmacy and everyone, pharmacists included, gets a huge kick out of them. Pippy and I talk from time to time, but nothing like before. The other night he was acting the narcissist again and posted a picture of himself shirtless in a cowboy hat and I'm fairly sure all the females on his friends list had a minor stroke, myself included. Dix even admitted to me that if she weren't married/wasn't friends with me and therefore aware of my doomed attraction to him, hell she'd be going after that, LOL. Oh well, everyone loves him. That was the basic jist of my lost post.

I wish I could say that it really is down to nothing but me investing a few fantasies in him, maybe involving me bending him over and whipping his ass until he squeals. But something kind of tells me he's interested or possibly considering seeing the bitchy little diva in health & beauty, and if I was strictly interested in sex, than why do I want to rip her insides out through her cunt? God, please take this whole thing away from me before it turns me into a horrible person. It's not fair. I have an amazing group of people in the Funny Pharm. Even Crotchety has his lovable qualities. It's not right that they pick at me and make me laugh all day, every day, week in and week out, have me over their houses (GIVE ME PUPPIES, OMG!), invite me out to clubs, and all I can do is feel like SuperBitch just because Pips is a Grade A asshole who says he loves me but doesn't act like it. One of the other cashiers wants to get everyone together to go out to club rodeo tomorrow night, and now one of the techs who shares my weekend says she's going to harass me about it all day tomorrow and then the day after if I don't go. On one hand, I really should go, because these are my friends, the people who DO want to do things with me and include me. People who answer phone calls and texts and don't back out of plans. On the other hand, it seems like anytime we do anything, it's always on the weekend I have to work, or when I'm particularly emotional about Pips, and I end up drinking just enough to turn my eyes into little hazel rivers once I get home. I just hate going out with them sometimes because everyone has someone but me and I kind of feel like a fifth wheel, you know?

And now, the inexplicable. Possible TMI ahead, just so you have a fair warning. I had some odd dreams last night. I don't remember them in particular, just that they vaguely involved one of the guys in maintenance at work. The only reason I can think he'd be on my mind is because his birthday was a few days ago, but I didn't see him or anything. And then today, shortly after I got back to work, he was slouching around the pharmacy area, pushing a damp mop and looking kind of moody and pissed off. And in that instant I became suddenly and inexplicably fucking horny. Not like I've ever been in my life. Not that I've had experience with sex or anything, but I have NEVER felt this aroused or 'needy'. Ever. It wasn't “Oh, I bet he'd be fun. Something to ponder.” No, it was more like “I just don't even care. I don't even need foreplay. I want to lock us both in a room naked and spread so he can have me like an animal.” That's just not like me. Not that it's a bad thing, but it's just so unlike me, and I don't understand where it came from or why it's aimed at him of all people. I don't dislike him, though I'm aware he can get pretty hot under the collar if he's rubbed the wrong way; he used to have massive venting sessions with me when he pushed carts and got mad at the other guys. I suspect he might have a slight thing for me, but I can't be sure. I just tend to get the warm fuzzies for someone before my mind jumps into imaginary scenes of pornography involving the two of us. It was incredibly distracting and I'm frankly amazed I made it through the workday without a coworker or customer asking me if I was quite alright. Eventually he took his mop and moved on and the feeling very gradually passed, and then I went to break and had some donuts, and I was almost normal. Then a while later he came by again and I flared up again. I was scared to even look him in the face because I was worried he'd somehow be able to tell what I was thinking about. I don't even really know him that well. Maybe I should see what he works tomorrow and ask him to the club with us. Or like other short-lived attractions, this too shall pass.

All work and no play? Not me!

So yeah, it's been a while since I tapped out some thoughts here. Truth be told, Not much has crossed my mind since I promised myself I'd at least try to mentally 'break up' with Pip even if we were never together. I expect I would have relapsed by now if not for the fact that he's been working almost exclusively 5AM-12PM or 5AM-2PM shifts. He says he's required as Downstacker (whatever that may be, I still haven't figured it out. Just that he does the job and Nature Boy wouldn't). Anyways, he's required as Downstacker to work 1PM-10PM once a month to do inventory. That opens up a whole 'nother rant about "What the fuck, corporate, have you not heard of a sleep schedule? Yep, he's gonna be SUPER useful on that odd day by 9:30 at night when he's usually been asleep for a few hours at least." So in short, we really don't see each other face to face much anymore. The last time, in fact, literally all I got was a quick and half-hearted "Hi, Shiny/Bye Shiny!" from him as he swiped the time clock and bolted for the doors. It's what I wanted, yes, for him to stop being quite so happy friendly bff type person, but at the same time it's disappointing. He'll write on my FB every now and then about how we never see each other anymore, but he never follows up or responds or calls me. Meh. This Friday is May 6th and I'm fairly certain that's when the good ol' Department of Corrections is going to take off his pretty bracelet, and I'm also curious how he'll act afterwards.

Regarding my post yesterday, yes, it was pretty much caused by the monthly onset of hormones, but I can't pretend it hasn't been lurking in my heart and mind, anyways. And yet I wasn't only crying because of the whole failed love interest thing - I had a friend. While I have girlfriends, I won't pretend that I didn't like going out with Pippy a lot better. Why? Well . . . all my girlfriends are married or at least dating someone. And it would be, IMO, pretty inappropriate if I were spending as much time with a married man as I did with him, but it was OK, because we were both 'safe', if that makes sense. I'd never had a really good guy friend before, not one that would go out with me alone just because. And I miss it. I don't know why he gets so chilly with me sometimes and chummy others. But a large part of me really does want him back . . . just as a friend. One that, instead of lamenting his love handles or saying how ugly he is, will laugh about it. One that will never beg me to go to the Breaking Dawn opening or watch The Notebook with him. Maybe after he gets 'loose' this weekend. Maybe not. Regardless, I would love to have a guy friend again. If it's Pip, great, if not, well then, that's ok, too. I love my girlfriends, but . . . yeah, I love men more.

And now for something slightly different. Instead of sitting about on my days off, worrying about saving every last penny, I'm going to let myself have a little fun. On the Monday after Easter, I packed up the Nephew and we drove to St. Augustine Beach for the day and it was nothing short of therapeutic. I'm thinking of going again this weekend; Dix may or may not tag along. If not the beach, then the local springs, and I might bug Pippy to see if he wants to come after work. He'll probably flake out or turn me down, but it's the thought that counts. FFS, I'm 27 and not getting younger to be sure. I don't plan on raising a family and it doesn't look like I'm marrying anytime soon, so instead of sitting home being miserable and planning for the future, I'll worry a little more about the here and now and making myself a happy person with what I have. Guys just wanna be my friends? That's certainly better than not having any friends at all, or only having them be around me because they're strictly romantically/sexually interested. I guess that's just me finally shedding a little more of the Conservative/Fundamental attitude I was raised with.

Maybe it's the hormones talking . . .

That tends to happen every few weeks, after all. I was just talking with my Mom about how to best back out of plans a friend keeps wanting me to make and out of the blue I said "I need a guy friend. I lost the one I had", and suddenly felt the urge to burst into tears. I miss that platonic/pseudo platonic thing I had and the stuff we used to do. Now I really am crying, goddammit . . .

When one door closes, another one is sure to open

So until then, I guess I'll just be enjoying the ride that is called Life until I find that open door. Last time I tried 'quitting' Pip, things didn't work out for me so well. I tried to keep being his friend and started up the lunches together and asked him places and ended up falling even harder for him than I had the first time. I had to force myself not to visit his department or troll over there to see what he was up to. Now . . . now I find myself entering or leaving the building and I see him standing someplace. One part of me will ask the other - "You really shouldn't but I'm gonna give you the choice anyways. You wanna go over there and say hi?" to which the answer is a resounding and positive "No. No, I don't want to see him or talk to him right now." And in fact I'll turn my head the other way and quicken my step without the smallest twinge of regret. I stay off of FB chat in the off chance he's online and in the mood to hit me up with the same ol' same ol'. I spoke with him briefly last Thursday night as Dixie and I were walking out - he waved me down and came over, asking if we were headed to lunch. Lunch?! It was 9:30 at night, by the way. He then kept asking if we really were leaving and not going to lunch. Yes, because we frequently wait until 30 minutes after the pharmacy is closed to take a lunch break. I wondered aloud after he walked away if he was finding desperate reasons to make conversation or if he really was that dumb. Dixie thinks there's sadly a good chance he really is that dim, that all the liquor has killed his brain and 'probably other parts of him, too.' Remember his psychotic sister that I've mentioned before? The one who beat her estranged husband with a can of creamed corn? The one who said she wanted to throw Pip and his brother out on the street and take the house from them after their father died? And then demanded that Pip stay home on Thanksgiving instead of coming to my place so they could all 'have a nice family dinner together'? Yeah, that one. He's throwing a fucking birthday party for her this weekend at his place. Requested a three day weekend and everything. And then last night I saw this on my newsfeed:

"Friends come and go but family will always be there whether they want to be or not."

Uh, yeah, keep telling yourself that, darling. It's not how things work, at least not with sane people like me. Blood is not thicker than water or however the saying goes, and the good thing about friends is that you get to choose them, unlike family. I haven't really spoken properly to my oldest brother in years because of some very hurtful things he's said and done to other family members, my mother in particular. Also he'll insist that he now comes as a package deal with his psycho bitch of a wife and is forever forcing her on us. I just don't have time for that kind of toxic drama. Being family does NOT give someone the right to abuse or mistreat you, physically, emotionally, or otherwise. If someone hurts or threatens you, you don't shrug it off and 'deal with it' because 'they're family!' No! Pippy will bitch endlessly to me or anyone else who will listen about how horrible his father and sister are, and a few days later, he's doing them a favor or buying them presents/throwing a party 'cuz I love em.' It's a horrible cycle of abuse and he'll be a miserable person because of it. I was willing to overlook a lot with him, but obsessive and unconditional loyalty to family is something I can't stomach, especially if it's someone I want to be with long term. How many dates would have been canceled because his daughter fought with his ex or fucked her boyfriend or his sister needed bailing out of jail? How many nights would I have slept alone because he was out looking for his runaway niece/child/father or in the other room getting wasted with them? Did his habit of always putting me on the back burner for a family issue let me know in no uncertain terms that he's obviously not interested? Yes. But there were about a million other, nicer ways he could have done it. Less cowardly ways, to put it plainly.

Anyways, the tl:dr version, all fuzzy desire for this man has left the building of Grace. The sexual attraction only rears its head every once in a while, and I only need to visit his page and see the tacky picture of him in the bed to get myself to rethink that. And I've learned yet more about what I want and don't want. A family man? Great. As long as he doesn't want me to have his babies, because my uterus and various tubings are going to stay unopened and MIB if I have my way. A family man who lets himself be a doormat for psychos, drunks and sluts? No thanks. I, along with many other people I know, have discovered it's sometimes beneficial for everyone to 'prune' the family tree and remove such toxic cells from their lives, whether you share DNA or not. I do feel kind of bad because Pip and I really don't talk anymore; I don't know if it's a mutual thing, if he's realized I've been a little cold as of late, or the simple fact that he's been moved permanently to the 5AM-2PM shift and we just don't cross paths that often. Either way it sucks because I had gotten so attached to him and he sometimes followed me as much as I did him. I'm fairly certain the friendship, for what it was, is probably over now and we'll probably drift apart to being simply acquaintances, and there's something incurably sad about that, though I still don't regret anything and know that staying away from him is best. He's just so pathetic and I feel like he 'needs' friends, but being around him frankly makes me miserable because he refuses to help himself. Also I, along with Dixie and my Mom have come to the conclusion he's a functioning alcoholic and will only go downhill from here. And he never did tell me about the house arrest. I see people asking him about May 6 all the time on the internet, does he think I can't see that? It doesn't matter that I know or he suspects I know. He just tells me things like "I don't like going out unless it's to go to work" or "I like to just stay home and pretend the pool is the river or beach." Normal people don't PRETEND their pools are anyplace. Besides, he moans far too much about wanting to go to the river right now. I don't care if he got in trouble and got a pretty black anklet strapped on. I am bothered that he never came out and told me, if he considers me such a great friend. Must have been the Jack Daniels talking to me that night.

I've sort of gone back to the same person I was a few years ago. That is to say, I'm embracing my geekness and loving every minute of it. There's a new Pirates of the Caribbean opening in May, which I wasn't exactly thrilled about at first, until I saw recent promos that feature Barbossa not in that awful Navy garb, but his old piratey clothes, including the superfluous feathery hat, and I got ridiculously excited. But heck, why not? It's not like there's anyone to tell me to grow up, or that I'm being silly. If I can find someone mutually attracted to me, in fact, that is aware of my geekness and accepts it, well then, I think then I'll know I have a winner. If they can't, then they can move right on along, because I change for no one.

Although I did have a really weird dream last night. Apparently I'd married someone and we were living in the same house as my parents (Eeew, weird/gross!). I was standing in the bathroom doing something to my hair and Mom asked me something and mentioned the fact I should pass it along to my husband too, and I was all "Oh yeah, lulz, I keep forgetting I have one now!" I went into another room and he was laying on the floor, though for the life of me I can't recall what he looked like, but I got on the floor beside him and touched my face to his and . . . egads I really liked it. Not in a sexual way, but a "It's really nice to finally have someone to hold, to snuggle with" kind of way. I wasn't really upset when I woke up, because the idea of being married and still living at home is frankly horrifying, but it did leave me feeling very lacking in the significant other department. I hate that feeling. But the single life is not so horrible as being single and pining for a person who doesn't love you back but doesn't have the balls to tell you to back off.

Give yourself prudence and love your friends

. . . love my friends? I have quite a handful of friends now, and I love it. They're an odd bunch, but I think everyone probably says that about their friends, and their families too, for that matter. Yet sometimes, like yesterday and today, I have to tell myself "Good grief, is this really worth it?" I've gotten close with Dix since I went to the pharmacy, and for the most part she's a cool person and does fun stuff. However, she's often clinically depressed. Yesterday she texted me to tell me she was depressed. WTF. Friend, relative, or whatever, I hate it when people do this. I can't do anything about it because if you really are depressed or feeling like telling people that, then nothing anyone can say will make you feel better. She's already on medication for it, plus other ones for arthritis, I think fibromyalgia, (sp?) and a few other ailments. I'm not a judgmental person, but she's also very morbidly overweight and not shy about it. Her husband is out of work and her WoW account is locked up until payday; she can't even afford to buy anything on lunch breaks and won't let anyone else buy her anything, either. The WoW thing is a whole other rant of mine, but I don't think I'll go there right now. Fact is, yeah, I'd be depressed if I were her, too. Just today she fell in her kitchen and probably did some significant damage to her knees and elbows, and it won't be the first time she's fallen this year. Oi. I love her to death but I can't take this kind of self-pity, woe-is-me stuff, you know? I'm torn because I don't want to be mean but at the same time I know that being around people like this can be very draining.

There's another tech that we'll call Katie. Her sister is a cashier back there with us. Katie is pretty cool; I was afraid she was uppity when I first met her, but she's very friendly and easy-going and doesn't take out her stress on other people. She's been keeping me up to date via phone tonight on how her husband is doing; he gave her (and us, really) a scare earlier today when he called her and said he didn't know if he should go to work tonight or not because he was passing out. Then he called and confessed he couldn't remember falling down or where he fell, just that he did it. She made a hasty exit from work to ship him off to the ER. This I can deal with, stuff like this comes up and it's not like Katie or her husband have a habit of falling out and going to the emergency room, and I'm glad she feels I'm enough of a friend to keep me posted on how he's doing. Katie's also great, but then there's the fact that, like Dix, she has an 'other half' and that makes me feel like a third wheel. Or what have you, since we're usually out in a group and everyone has someone except me.

Then there's the ever-steady and slightly annoying presence of Pip. Maybe I love too much. Maybe I'm weak. But I just can't stay mad at many people for very long. Sure, it's pretty obvious now that he's not interested in me romantically and the no-show business of his is pretty damn rude, but if he's too stupid to realize what he did pissed me off, then he'll also be oblivious as to why I would suddenly become Ms. Ice Queen to him. I have a hard time being cold with people, I just can't do it! And then I thought about it . . . sure, he's flaky and unreliable, BUT! Ah, that fun little word. Even when he's down, he doesn't dump on me or drain me the way Dix does. Maybe he does have friends or family that he pours out his deepest, darkest misgivings and bouts of depression to, but that person isn't me. And I realized that's really kind of nice. I might always have a 'thing' for him, and I might not. Until then I guess he'll just be 'that' friend. Someone that I would have liked to have something with, but . . . well I'd rather just keep him around for what he is than throw him out altogether just because he doesn't want me to become his next ball and chain. Not that I intend on being that, but I'm afraid that's probably how he views relationships now, after so many sour ones. At least three or four, that I know of. Even on his worst days, he's managed to stay upbeat with me, with the same 'things'll get better/live and let live' attitude that I have. He's someone I can have a low-key, drama-free time with in a pinch and I like it that way. Maybe I'm destined to be one of those women who ends up getting along better with male friends because of the distinct lack of drama. He's easily the lowest maintenance of my motley crew, anyways. Maybe that's why he's my favorite. Also he doesn't cause me to tune out for nearly an hour at a time by getting into full-blown World of Warcraft discussions with people. That shit is like a foreign language to me, people. Seriously STFU and don't dare bitch to me about money problems when I know you fork out close to $100 a month on that crap.

Some might advise me to stay angry with him and be catty and bitchy, but I just don't want to. Is it really worth it? What good would it accomplish in the long run, really? Maybe I'm making a mistake by letting him back in and keeping him as a friend. But then again, it's just the way I am. Not everyone has a sheep tattooed to their leg, you know. The sheep on my leg, well, to put it simply, she's me! Quiet and loving and loyal and easily spooked. I'll always love, even when it's not the best thing for me.