"Friends come and go but family will always be there whether they want to be or not."
Uh, yeah, keep telling yourself that, darling. It's not how things work, at least not with sane people like me. Blood is not thicker than water or however the saying goes, and the good thing about friends is that you get to choose them, unlike family. I haven't really spoken properly to my oldest brother in years because of some very hurtful things he's said and done to other family members, my mother in particular. Also he'll insist that he now comes as a package deal with his psycho bitch of a wife and is forever forcing her on us. I just don't have time for that kind of toxic drama. Being family does NOT give someone the right to abuse or mistreat you, physically, emotionally, or otherwise. If someone hurts or threatens you, you don't shrug it off and 'deal with it' because 'they're family!' No! Pippy will bitch endlessly to me or anyone else who will listen about how horrible his father and sister are, and a few days later, he's doing them a favor or buying them presents/throwing a party 'cuz I love em.' It's a horrible cycle of abuse and he'll be a miserable person because of it. I was willing to overlook a lot with him, but obsessive and unconditional loyalty to family is something I can't stomach, especially if it's someone I want to be with long term. How many dates would have been canceled because his daughter fought with his ex or fucked her boyfriend or his sister needed bailing out of jail? How many nights would I have slept alone because he was out looking for his runaway niece/child/father or in the other room getting wasted with them? Did his habit of always putting me on the back burner for a family issue let me know in no uncertain terms that he's obviously not interested? Yes. But there were about a million other, nicer ways he could have done it. Less cowardly ways, to put it plainly.
Anyways, the tl:dr version, all fuzzy desire for this man has left the building of Grace. The sexual attraction only rears its head every once in a while, and I only need to visit his page and see the tacky picture of him in the bed to get myself to rethink that. And I've learned yet more about what I want and don't want. A family man? Great. As long as he doesn't want me to have his babies, because my uterus and various tubings are going to stay unopened and MIB if I have my way. A family man who lets himself be a doormat for psychos, drunks and sluts? No thanks. I, along with many other people I know, have discovered it's sometimes beneficial for everyone to 'prune' the family tree and remove such toxic cells from their lives, whether you share DNA or not. I do feel kind of bad because Pip and I really don't talk anymore; I don't know if it's a mutual thing, if he's realized I've been a little cold as of late, or the simple fact that he's been moved permanently to the 5AM-2PM shift and we just don't cross paths that often. Either way it sucks because I had gotten so attached to him and he sometimes followed me as much as I did him. I'm fairly certain the friendship, for what it was, is probably over now and we'll probably drift apart to being simply acquaintances, and there's something incurably sad about that, though I still don't regret anything and know that staying away from him is best. He's just so pathetic and I feel like he 'needs' friends, but being around him frankly makes me miserable because he refuses to help himself. Also I, along with Dixie and my Mom have come to the conclusion he's a functioning alcoholic and will only go downhill from here. And he never did tell me about the house arrest. I see people asking him about May 6 all the time on the internet, does he think I can't see that? It doesn't matter that I know or he suspects I know. He just tells me things like "I don't like going out unless it's to go to work" or "I like to just stay home and pretend the pool is the river or beach." Normal people don't PRETEND their pools are anyplace. Besides, he moans far too much about wanting to go to the river right now. I don't care if he got in trouble and got a pretty black anklet strapped on. I am bothered that he never came out and told me, if he considers me such a great friend. Must have been the Jack Daniels talking to me that night.
I've sort of gone back to the same person I was a few years ago. That is to say, I'm embracing my geekness and loving every minute of it. There's a new Pirates of the Caribbean opening in May, which I wasn't exactly thrilled about at first, until I saw recent promos that feature Barbossa not in that awful Navy garb, but his old piratey clothes, including the superfluous feathery hat, and I got ridiculously excited. But heck, why not? It's not like there's anyone to tell me to grow up, or that I'm being silly. If I can find someone mutually attracted to me, in fact, that is aware of my geekness and accepts it, well then, I think then I'll know I have a winner. If they can't, then they can move right on along, because I change for no one.
Although I did have a really weird dream last night. Apparently I'd married someone and we were living in the same house as my parents (Eeew, weird/gross!). I was standing in the bathroom doing something to my hair and Mom asked me something and mentioned the fact I should pass it along to my husband too, and I was all "Oh yeah, lulz, I keep forgetting I have one now!" I went into another room and he was laying on the floor, though for the life of me I can't recall what he looked like, but I got on the floor beside him and touched my face to his and . . . egads I really liked it. Not in a sexual way, but a "It's really nice to finally have someone to hold, to snuggle with" kind of way. I wasn't really upset when I woke up, because the idea of being married and still living at home is frankly horrifying, but it did leave me feeling very lacking in the significant other department. I hate that feeling. But the single life is not so horrible as being single and pining for a person who doesn't love you back but doesn't have the balls to tell you to back off.