Thursday, March 24, 2011

Give yourself prudence and love your friends

. . . love my friends? I have quite a handful of friends now, and I love it. They're an odd bunch, but I think everyone probably says that about their friends, and their families too, for that matter. Yet sometimes, like yesterday and today, I have to tell myself "Good grief, is this really worth it?" I've gotten close with Dix since I went to the pharmacy, and for the most part she's a cool person and does fun stuff. However, she's often clinically depressed. Yesterday she texted me to tell me she was depressed. WTF. Friend, relative, or whatever, I hate it when people do this. I can't do anything about it because if you really are depressed or feeling like telling people that, then nothing anyone can say will make you feel better. She's already on medication for it, plus other ones for arthritis, I think fibromyalgia, (sp?) and a few other ailments. I'm not a judgmental person, but she's also very morbidly overweight and not shy about it. Her husband is out of work and her WoW account is locked up until payday; she can't even afford to buy anything on lunch breaks and won't let anyone else buy her anything, either. The WoW thing is a whole other rant of mine, but I don't think I'll go there right now. Fact is, yeah, I'd be depressed if I were her, too. Just today she fell in her kitchen and probably did some significant damage to her knees and elbows, and it won't be the first time she's fallen this year. Oi. I love her to death but I can't take this kind of self-pity, woe-is-me stuff, you know? I'm torn because I don't want to be mean but at the same time I know that being around people like this can be very draining.

There's another tech that we'll call Katie. Her sister is a cashier back there with us. Katie is pretty cool; I was afraid she was uppity when I first met her, but she's very friendly and easy-going and doesn't take out her stress on other people. She's been keeping me up to date via phone tonight on how her husband is doing; he gave her (and us, really) a scare earlier today when he called her and said he didn't know if he should go to work tonight or not because he was passing out. Then he called and confessed he couldn't remember falling down or where he fell, just that he did it. She made a hasty exit from work to ship him off to the ER. This I can deal with, stuff like this comes up and it's not like Katie or her husband have a habit of falling out and going to the emergency room, and I'm glad she feels I'm enough of a friend to keep me posted on how he's doing. Katie's also great, but then there's the fact that, like Dix, she has an 'other half' and that makes me feel like a third wheel. Or what have you, since we're usually out in a group and everyone has someone except me.

Then there's the ever-steady and slightly annoying presence of Pip. Maybe I love too much. Maybe I'm weak. But I just can't stay mad at many people for very long. Sure, it's pretty obvious now that he's not interested in me romantically and the no-show business of his is pretty damn rude, but if he's too stupid to realize what he did pissed me off, then he'll also be oblivious as to why I would suddenly become Ms. Ice Queen to him. I have a hard time being cold with people, I just can't do it! And then I thought about it . . . sure, he's flaky and unreliable, BUT! Ah, that fun little word. Even when he's down, he doesn't dump on me or drain me the way Dix does. Maybe he does have friends or family that he pours out his deepest, darkest misgivings and bouts of depression to, but that person isn't me. And I realized that's really kind of nice. I might always have a 'thing' for him, and I might not. Until then I guess he'll just be 'that' friend. Someone that I would have liked to have something with, but . . . well I'd rather just keep him around for what he is than throw him out altogether just because he doesn't want me to become his next ball and chain. Not that I intend on being that, but I'm afraid that's probably how he views relationships now, after so many sour ones. At least three or four, that I know of. Even on his worst days, he's managed to stay upbeat with me, with the same 'things'll get better/live and let live' attitude that I have. He's someone I can have a low-key, drama-free time with in a pinch and I like it that way. Maybe I'm destined to be one of those women who ends up getting along better with male friends because of the distinct lack of drama. He's easily the lowest maintenance of my motley crew, anyways. Maybe that's why he's my favorite. Also he doesn't cause me to tune out for nearly an hour at a time by getting into full-blown World of Warcraft discussions with people. That shit is like a foreign language to me, people. Seriously STFU and don't dare bitch to me about money problems when I know you fork out close to $100 a month on that crap.

Some might advise me to stay angry with him and be catty and bitchy, but I just don't want to. Is it really worth it? What good would it accomplish in the long run, really? Maybe I'm making a mistake by letting him back in and keeping him as a friend. But then again, it's just the way I am. Not everyone has a sheep tattooed to their leg, you know. The sheep on my leg, well, to put it simply, she's me! Quiet and loving and loyal and easily spooked. I'll always love, even when it's not the best thing for me.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Teenagers. You give them an inch, they swim all over you!

I used to love the Little Mermaid until I bought it on it's last DVD release, watched it, and realized what a horrible little brat Ariel really is. Also, Eric has got to be the dumbest Disney prince ever created, but that's beside the point. Anywho . . . I usually stay offline when it comes to Facebook chat. I don't know why, I just do. Just now I heard the little 'bloong!' noise and noticed one of my tabs was flashing "Pippin has messaged you!" Oi . . . not the person I wanna talk to right now, but here goes. Asked about my days off and work and boring shit like he always does, and I got right down and mentioned we missed him Thursday night. His response?

"yea sorry i couldnt come my daughter had a fight with her mom and shes been here since so i was with her"

This is why I should just stick to my guns and not get involved with people who have spawned. Almost ever since I've known him, I've been hearing these awful stories about his oldest child, a 16 year old daughter. The first one was about how she asked him for money, and when he refused, she helped herself to a $20 from his wallet when he wasn't looking. The second was when she 'forgot' to put some potato salad in the refrigerator after it sat out for almost an entire day and served it to him on Father's day anyways. Another was how she had a friend call him up, pretending to be someone's parent, saying that the trip to Daytona beach was going to be supervised by adults. Then how she stopped calling him for two weeks when he wouldn't pay for her driver's license, but decided to be friendly with him again when he finally choked up the cash. But was also mad that his other child, her half-brother was going to be there, because she didn't like him. And also how she's only 16 but lights up cigarettes in the house because she's stressed and will also curse him out to his face.

Ok folks . . . I'm not a parent so I probably 'don't understand', but whether it was my own child or not, I think I would have smacked up this little bitch and washed my hands of her long ago. In all honesty, she sounds like a spoiled, trashy, manipulative little cunt and I harbor a great amount of dislike for her despite us never having met. He admits she's always trying to get him and the ex-wife into fights with each other yet he doesn't do anything about it. And this, on top of all the other red flags accumulating into the ever-growing pile that is Pip's baggage, is another reason I'm really beginning to think I should just write him off as a lost cause. Even if he overcomes his flakiness, his criminal history, his wishy-washy fear of commitment . . . the stupid bitch he calls his 'little girl' will always be there and she'll always have priority over me or anyone else that might be involved with him. Gods I hate kids, especially teenagers. Well, not all of them, but the majority are represented by people like Pip's babygirl. His son doesn't sound too bad, from what I hear he's dumb and lovable, much like his poor Daddy, but the first one . . . yowza. I'm afraid he'd finally get comfortable enough to let me get in his bed every now and then, only to wake up to her trying to kill me in my sleep. Or she'll make his worst fears come true and give him the title of "Grandaddy" before he's able to hit his 40th birthday. And he'd be mad and disappointed and furious and who knows what else. At first . . . but this is the south, after all. I'm sure after a few months he'd get used to the idea, get furiously excited about the idea of a new baybee, and then grandbaybee would become the new reason for his existence.

Gosh, aren't those horrible assumptions to make about a person who is legally a child, that I've never even met? But there you go, I'm being honest, and that's really exactly how I feel about her and the constant drama she's forever inflicting upon her family. I never did this to my parents. Most of the people I know who grew up in split homes didn't do this, either. But maybe the people I know are in a minority. I do know that I don't wanna be this person's stepmother because something tells me we wouldn't get along. I also know that, bratling drama aside, he still could have taken two minutes out of his day/evening to tell me he wasn't coming to dinner. I know he's a chronic phone-checker and also that he was playing on FB around 8:30 that night, so he couldn't have been reasoning with hell-spawn all night. I don't even really know what to say to him anymore. He went on for a while about how 'the girl that was with us on remodel had a babby, did you know?' Dear god, yes I knew. And his spelling of 'babby' both saddens me and cracks me right the hell up at the same time. And also, dear gods, please quit gushing about babies. One reason being the girl who pushed out said babby, only 10 months ago spent long conversations telling us all how much she never intending on pushing out babby and that she never wanted babby. This babby was accident. I'm very, very disappointed in her. 'Accidents' and 'surprise' babies are nothing to celebrate, IMO. They're just another mouth to feed that their parents aren't able to afford, most of the time, and if they really were unwanted, they'll have a crappy life. He quickly changed the subject to ask what movie I saw today and then said he really wanted to see it too (Rango) because . . . "i like johnny dep". Yes folks, he's illiterate, I'm quite aware of this. And I'm being really cruel here, but between that and babby, I was cracking up like a moron. Maybe my coldness translated through the interwebs, because after confessing his love for Johnny Depp, he said he'd better let me go because I have to go to work tomorrow. At 4 in the afternoon, like I just told you, genius. Gotta get up early to be there at such an ungodly hour, doncha know. Shame on that boss of mine.

Am I still mad at him? Yes. Hurt by his constant mixed feelings and flip flopping around? Yes and yes. Am I glad that conversation ended quickly and before I let myself go into fits of twitterpated giggles at his stupidity instead of mockingly laughing at him from the other side of the screen? Yep. I have my Mom and two close friends who are familiar with the situation telling me I really need to drop him and find someone worth my time who won't pull this childish stuff on me. And I agree, although I'll admit here and now that over the past few months, I let myself develop very strong feelings and a strong attachment to this guy, no matter how stupid or inconsiderate he might be. I cared about him very much and I know it won't be easy severing those feelings and that it won't happen overnight, either. But you wanna know something?Possibly TMI, just so you can say you were warned . . .

Despite how I'm certain there will never be anything of substance between us, that he probably doesn't at all feel about me the way I felt about him . . . heaven help me I still wanna fuck him. Even last May when I found myself wanting to throw up everything I ate since the 8th grade after I'd found out about his trafficking charges, the sexual attraction I initially felt for him was still there and possibly even stronger than before. He likes sex, I know he does. Everyone likes sex, right? And yes, even now I'd still do him just because I want to, and he's not bad to look at. Neither of us are supermodels, not by a long stretch, but I think we'd have a good time or at least get each other off. I think these feelings will be the hardest to get rid of, because it seems the more he disappoints me, the more angry or upset with him I am, the more I want to screw him. How messed up is that? Is it because I know he doesn't care about me romantically, intimately? Because he's the type of person that'd be up for a throw-away sexual fling? I know from things he's told me that:

At another job, he had an affair with his boss once. His married boss. Whose husband was working in the same location. He said they used to go out in the middle of the night on lunch hour and screw in her car.

He wants to die while having sex. Mind, I'd rather he DIDN'T die if he was having sex with ME, but it's still a kinky thing to know about a person, that that's how he wants to go.

And by some fucked up reason when a remodel break conversation turned to men and porn habits, I know the exact noise he makes when he . . . yeah. I was distracted for the entire rest of the shift, thanks alot, man, LOL.

I've tried getting rid of these thoughts, I really have. I thought watching some porn myself last night might do the trick, although I'm not really into porn that much, to be honest. But I did find some stuff that was alright, I have to say. Except . . . my mind would twist that attractive couple on the screen into us. I somehow couldn't stop becoming that woman and the guy up there licking and thrusting and biting . . . yep, he became Pip.

I'm almost certain now that Pip doesn't want me for a girlfriend and I'm fairly certain he's not really great relationship material, anyways. He seems to be slipping into the category of 'people I know and would dearly love to nail', and I have no clue what to do about it.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

I think I need a hug . . .

Ok, so I went out and had a pretty decent time with my colleagues. And irritatingly, their lovable significant others. Everybody had somebody. I had the empty chair that had been saved for my friend that didn't show up. Pippy, you worthless, fuckheaded little shit! I saw him yesterday when I stopped at work to borrow the cat crates from Dixie, he said he would meet me at Applebee's tonight. I get why he's not showing up, whether he realizes it or not, I really do. But why, why then, does he keep saying 'yes'? Just say no. If you're on fucking house arrest, just tell me, you've obviously told Denise. I thought showing up alone was bad enough, showing up and having the unoccupied chair between me and Christian and everyone knowing why was ten times worse. I don't just need to distance myself from him, I need to make sure he realizes I'm doing it and he needs to know exactly why. I can't be friends with him, I can't. I get jealous when he talks to other women. The idea of him being with someone who isn't me makes me sick. I just can't get any closer to him. The sensible part of me says 'just say 'to hell with it' and move on with my chin up and my eyes ahead of me.

The emotional part of me, on the other hand, well . . . my face is wet right now. I wish I never looked at him. I wish he had never, ever started talking to me. I wish we didn't get along so well and that everything he does didn't make me smile. I'm so angry at him, not for constantly standing me up in front of people, but for getting in trouble in the first place. I'm angry at him for something he did before we even met. I'm also upset with me for letting myself care about him so much. I do have feelings for him, and I'm fairly certain I've come to love him, at least a little bit. I have to, or this wouldn't be hurting me as much as it is right now. He's so full of shit. If I were such a good friend to him, he'd be honest with me, he wouldn't pull this no-show crap and then come up with lame excuses. I don't even want to look at him tomorrow or hear what cock and bull he's gonna pull out of his ass this time. All I can come to the conclusion of is that I need to sit him down and break up our friendship because it's killing me. I want more from him and he obviously can't or doesn't want to give it to me.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011


So tonight's title doesn't have much to do with the actual content of the post, but I love that meme, and I have been doing a few householdy things today, so there.

Ah, the internet is really, really great (FOR PORN! lulz, j/k). Anywho, yes. It's great and horrible at the same time simply because it does put things right out there for anyone to find anytime they wish. Roughly ten months ago on a whim and because I thought it was funny, not that I was honestly expecting to find anything, I put Pippy's name through the search on the Florida D.O.C. and found out the person I was quickly developing a certain fondness for had committed first degree felony. As I've said time and time again, it's something I struggled with for a while but ultimately decided to overlook, for the most part. Then there's FaceBook. Tonight, our mutual friend and ex-coworker, D, (the one who had the surprise heart attack at age 37 a few months ago) left a message on his wall, asking how he was doing. He replied along the lines of, 'just working and waiting to be able to go somewhere, that time is coming up on May 6!' D knows what Pippy did, too, and like me, she doesn't care, though none of us have ever discussed it when the three of us were together, except for the time when we were still on remodel and Pip expressed some concern that a probation officer was going to call the store and make him lose his job. Maybe he remembers mentioning this in front of me, maybe he doesn't. If he does, he probably thinks I'm really dumb or oblivious or insensitive the way I keep asking him out to places outside work hours. If he doesn't, why won't he just tell me why he can't go anywhere? His comment to D pretty much confirms my suspicions that he was placed on house arrest/restriction last year. If he's embarrassed about this, I understand why he would be, but why is he afraid to tell me? Does he think it'll scare me, make me think less of him? If he's that worried about how I'll react, it must mean . . . something, right? I also noticed that D commented on the picture of me and Pip, saying "Aww, what a cute couple!" and she's likely just playing and doesn't really think we're together, I noticed he hasn't bothered to correct her, either. But on the same note, if he cares enough to worry about how I'll react to house arrest, he really should just come out and tell me, shouldn't he? It does kind of concern me that he's not being totally honest, and I wish there was some way I could let him know that hey, I already know you screwed up. You screwed up really badly and I wish you hadn't, but at the same time, I'm not gonna hold it against you and I like you and would be with you anyways. Should I just let it go? I mean I just can't think of a tactful way to let a person know I searched them on the DOC and already saw/smelled their dirty laundry, so to speak. I will at least stop asking him to come to stuff until after the 6th of May, though. After that . . . well, either we can finally hang out together outside of work or he'll go completely nuts at the idea of being 'free' again and party his way out of my life altogether. But he mentioned he was starting school in May too, so maybe he's keeping his head on after all.

My poor Mom though. I know it must be hard for a parent to know their daughter is completely smitten with and actively pursuing someone like Pippy. Yet she's been incredibly supportive through all this and even asks me how he is and if I got the chance to talk to him on a given workday. She honestly more bothered with the fact he comes with so much emotional baggage and doesn't really mention the criminal record much. Although I haven't and don't know how to drop the mini-bomb on her that his ex-wife is only the mother of one of his children and there's another 'babymomma' involved somewhere here. She won't like it much, I think. Anywho, she said since he keeps going on about May, May, May, I should check the DOC again and see if they lightened his sentence for good behavior and whatnot. Eh. It wouldn't hurt anything, but I have to say, and this is so screwed up that I'm even saying it about someone . . . I hate his DOC page. I hate that it even exists because it made me fairly sick when I found it. I hate the cold, factual way that it lays out exactly what he did and that he's under 'community supervision' for the next seven years. And I especially hate his mugshot. If you've seen him in my Facebook album or creeping round, leaving me comments, you might agree with me that he's very photogenic and IMO, pretty easy to look at. But this picture . . . it's ugly. He looks scared and small and generally very out of place, and it's his own damn fault in the first place so I don't feel quite right feeling sorry for him, but at the same time it makes me wanna hug on him even more because he is and can be so pathetic.

I believe in God, though it might not show a lot of the time. I'm a good person, in general, squeaky clean record, never done hard liquor, smoked, pot, anything like that. Never even been kissed. I didn't start the year of '10 telling myself "I'm gonna find the worst trainwreck of a man this spring and fall head over heels for him, that'll be awesome!" In fact, if I were someone else, I'd tell me to stop all this right now, how can you care about someone like him? But when it's me, I tell myself that none of us are perfect, that if we take away our social statuses and our money, what do we have left, really? Maybe it's just God teaching me how to love unconditionally again, but goodness gracious, WHY? God, you know how I am when I fall for people. Years ago when I was involved heavily with my church youth group, there was a certain person called DJ that I detested in every way, and even went so far as to tell my Mom that "He has a face only his mother could love!" That was incredibly mean and I suppose it served me right that I ended up liking him very much and I daresay it was only after I met Pip that I truly got over this guy. Said DJ would frequent my checkout line when I still worked up front, his fiancée alongside him, and he never once introduced her properly to me. They got married in October and I give them two years, tops, before it starts to crumble, and mean-spirited as that sounds, I don't think they'll last. Not that I want DJ anymore. I'm convinced that him drifting out of my life the way he did was nothing more than me avoiding a nasty bullet. He's 'clean', like me, but generally kind of a douchey person and I'm not sure what I ever saw in him, but I'll blame it on me being young and naive.

Not sure I've done any better on the bad guy with a heart of gold, but I certainly know which one of them has better manners and isn't afraid to be fairly transparent with me. Pip's like Charlie Pace and Sawyer smooshed into one wrecky person. Sometimes I just have to wonder if I'm not suffering from Jack/Harry Potter syndrome and wanting to 'save' him. Since I'm on a LOST kick, I guess I'll just end this with one of my favorite Locke beliefs - everything happens for a reason.

Friday, March 11, 2011

My Beloved Monster and Me

Pippy's probably one step above dirt poor, which in turn causes him to be a cheap little bastard.

So why did he pay for lunch today?

I find myself tonight even more confused than ever, although I guess this is at least a good thing, right? It's not like he's pushing away or sneering at me like in my nightmares. Interesting topics came up today though. We're pulling out of Voldemart and he glances at the teeny-tiny mini-plaza across from us, specifically at the shop in the middle, and said he wondered if they do well with business. It's a bridal shop called the Glass Slipper. Ok, that was weird, but it did let me put out there that I didn't really think much of extravagant weddings. He said while his first (and only) was more than he would have wanted, he thinks your first one should be nice, anyways. Yeah, we talked about weddings and it was kind of weird and part of me thinks it's a little seriously fucked up, but it is what it is. Then we get to Moe's, which is fast becoming the official stomping grounds of most of the Pharmacy as well as other departments, make the mistake of ordering something that is no longer on the menu, and contrary to what I call him and what I say, I learn that my friend Pip isn't really much of a hobbit after all. I had the guy put mushrooms on my burrito. His response? "Eeeww!" For shame, Produce Guy, for shame. Then he paid and I felt a little awkward but it was all good. He knew what kind of soda I was going to get before I got it, and that made me smile. Good god, he makes me feel like a teenager. Then he confused me some more.

We had a few minutes after we got back, so we sat on a bench in the back and after half the ICS team whooshed by and the four o'clock shift change thinned out, I reached over and gave him a hug and thanked him for lunch. He was sweet and all "I figured I'd pay, since you drove." Yeah, because the two minute drive from Volde-Mart to Moe's sucked up SO much of my gasoline. But he didn't hug me back or lean his head against mine :-( I don't understand you, Pippy, I really don't. He's easily the weirdest, most confusing friend I've ever had. And he's also my favorite. A bunch of my Funny Pharm friends are going to Applebee's for St. Paddy's next week and I'm pretty sure he's off that day and I'm gonna try and get him to come. Surely he's allowed to be at a restaurant for a few hours, right? I'll buy him a drink and be his DD and everything. Anywho, it's nice that my newfound boldness in grabbing, touching, hugging and lol . . . scratching, isn't driving him away. Sadly, he wasn't itching today but nor did he pull away when I touched him. But why's he afraid to touch back?

One of life's huge mysteries.

Okay, time to put Pip into the back of my mind for a while and chill out with Quills. Sorry, but Geoffrey Rush makes 'dirty old man' seem like a really hot concept.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

A few months ago, I made a post here likening Pip to one of our horses in that sometimes he's Friendly Freddy and other times behaves like more of a Cautious Carl. At least one more thing is common between him and Walker:

Scratch his back, and for those few moments until he's had his fill, is obligated to go somewhere, or is startled by the presence of another person, he is completely and totally MINE. When I scratch Walker's back, the faces he pulls are hilarious and adorable. The faces Pip pulled were cute too. The moaning,growling, and sighing however . . . dear God I could let my imagination go with them, if you take my meaning. I dunno, it was innocent enough, really, no matter where my filthy mind wants to file away the memory of those noises. Just a kind of funny, 'human' experience. Really though, you have to feel for a person who is standing there like Baloo the bear, desperately rubbing themselves all over the locker doors, even if you do laugh at them first. I also take and give hugs at will now, none of this holiday nonsense! I haven't talked to him much this week and he doesn't always answer texts, but his Dad was hospitalized over the weekend and I told him to let me know if he needs anything from me. And whether he realized it or not, I did mean anything. Not that I honestly expected him to ring me up and say to bring the massage oil and the whipped cream, but I hope he knows that if he ever needs a hand to hold or a shoulder to lean on, mine are here.

I ponder to myself and my mind argues back and forth over the dumbest things. As I've said numerous times, my mind is a cesspool though my body has never taken a swim, so to speak. Most of the time I want stuff for the long term - to lay on his shoulder or kiss him all over or show up at his house armed with a six back of Bud Light and all the ingredients for a spaghetti dinner. The other day at lunch we were talking about cooking and he shared with me the fact that he can't make meatballs to save his life. I can make some epic ones, and how fun would it be to teach him? Then maybe in return he can teach me how not to ruin steak as I always do. And then there are times, much like tonight, when the mind enters the gutter with all the lust of Geoffrey Rush's Marquis De Sade and refuses to surface, and I contemplate all the things I'd like to do to and with Pip and wonder what he'd think if he knew my mind went to such places and took him with it. I'd try things and do things to and for him that a lot of women won't. Lick things and touch things and not lie there grudgingly and do my 'duty as a woman' as it seems many view such things as. I could see him into a lot of things, and I have to say it was a pleasant surprise when we somehow got onto the flavored lotion topic so many weeks ago, as he just didn't seem like the kind of guy to be into that stuff. He's . . . he's such a male, in that he can say silly things, gross things, and sometimes be a little crass or disgusting after a meal. Really, we leave a restaurant and the first thing he does is flip down the passenger side sun visor and start feverishly picking out his teeth. It's funny. He generally giggles and apologizes if he thinks he's somehow crossed a line with something he's said, but he is what he is and it's endearing. ("Did you hear about the guy who got fired for picking his nose and wiping it on merchandise?" "Has your tattoo scabbed up yet?")

And then he'll completely catch me off guard by talking about flavored body lotions, admitting kid's movies make him cry, or completely stopping mid-sentence to gush over a cute puppy he sees. He keeps going on about the summer . . . maybe things will be different then. He can go places other than Voldemart and his house, maybe I'll get an invite and we'll make the meatballs and drink the beer and watch a stupid movie. I'd also really love to to get that place on the beach and if he wants to come with me, well, that's just fine too. I'll get him that Mastiff puppy I know he wants so badly.

^ The hell? And here I thought the Marquis had stolen my mind for the evening, there I go again. I don't even know why I went on like this tonight, except that it is nice to put all this drivel down someplace just because I want to. Also I'm ridiculously thrilled that I got Dixie to email me the picture I took so I could show it to the world via Facebook. Like I said, fucking adorable, even if I do look a little stone for whatever reason.


Thursday, March 3, 2011

I need to calculate what creates my own madness . . .

Today was a pretty shitty day. I could have slept in as late as I wanted too, since I wasn't working, but noooo, the asshole next door (and I use that term loosely, weirdo lives in a building he put up without a permit and comes up on holidays and vacations to get drunk, naked, and scream obscenities at the dogs when they bark) decided he wanted to have a well put it. So I get woken up around 8am by the sound of engines roaring and heavy machinery banging around. Okay, okay, I'll wake up, but no one else is up yet so I'll just stay in my room and watch Megamind. I
I just LOVE walking into an establishment and not getting acknowledged, don't you? It didn't bother me until people showed up after we did and got greeted and offered assistance immediately. It was especially nauseating to see one of the artists dash to the door to open it for a trashy couple bringing in two babies in strollers with them. Okay . . . seriously, assholes? Your damn baybees do NOT belong in a tattoo/piercing studio! Gods, can nothing be for adults only anymore? If you can't afford a sitter, you can't afford the tattoos. You're probably sucking the state's welfare tit, anyways. And to the absolute TOOL in there who didn't even know what you want and tossing around things like "I want my name on me in calligraphy" or "I think it'd be good to put 'live and let live' on my wrist', please leave. Just leave, walk out now, go get yourself a fucking IMAGINATION, and then come back. When I finally got some asshole to acknowledge me, he pretty much had every intention of talking me out of what I wanted done and even told me the design looked like a fucking penis. Yeah, there are a few things in this room sir, that resemble a dick, but my picture is not one of them. Goodbye, and fuck you very much. What should have been a fun experience that gave me something to look forward to Saturday was just another glaring example reminding me why I hate people sometimes.

The first half of yesterday wasn't much fun, either. It's the first part of the month and we're really busy, meaning that I have the fun of dealing with adults and senior citizens bent on acting like spoiled, useless children one after the other after the other. And it makes me think and wish horrible things sometimes. One lady was growing increasingly impatient and all while she's slinging her juvenile attitude and crap at me, she assures me that 'It's not you, I know it's not your fault, but the only reason I'm here and acting this way is because I got kicked by a horse this morning and I'm in no mood!' Listen you miserable old bitch, like you said, it's not MY fault. Nothing is MY fault, so stop taking it out on me. When you finally lost your temper and stormed out after I told you your needles weren't ready yet, without so much as an "I'll come back later", do you know what was going through my head?

I hoped you'd go home, that that horse would kick you AGAIN, and that you wouldn't get up this time. And I've only half-regretted having that thought since. Something tells me you gave the horse incentive in the first place, and I wouldn't blame it.

Pip came in an hour after me yesterday and I wanted to take my lunch late to go with him so badly, I really did. But I usually go with Dix and she was ready to go at 4 so . . . I went. Probably a good thing since I was ready to jump the counter at the next fuckwit who gave me attitude, but I still feel really horrible about it since he's taken his late so many times for me. It was a good lunch anyways; a big group of girlies at the same table talking about boobs and shaving and stupid things that happened at work, and it was honestly therapeutic. But I still felt really bad about leaving Pippin like that, and I wonder if he was put out about it.

Oh, how I'd looked forward to Tuesday morning. So, so much. Got up and rushed to make sure I got there in plenty of time and waited for him. Damn, there were other people clocking in at 9 who always talk to us too, oh well. He walked in about three minutes till, half-awake and about as far from bright-eyed and bushy tailed as you can get, not that I blame him. Still, hopefully, I smiled at him with my arms out wide . . . nothing. Hmm. Hugged in anyways and he snuggled his head against mine but still didn't hug me back. Maybe it was because Deb and Sue were standing there, who knows. He didn't seem bothered by it though, and once again swung by the pharmacy around 1:30 asking if I was ready to go and that he thought I'd forgotten about him, even though I told him I might not go until two because of the order coming in the mornings. Fortunately between me and super-hyper Ashley it was done already, so she just laughed and said it was fine if I went. We went to Krystal. Gods, if anyone knows me and my food preferences at [i]all[/i], it shows you how much I like this guy if I went THERE. It wasn't that bad and I didn't get sick like I did with it years ago, but it's probably not a place I'd go on my own. He did say some things that kind of upset me, though, although he probably didn't realize it. Said that a local dollar store really, really wants him to work for them, says they'll match and exceed his Voldemart pay, give him alternating weekends off that VM is refusing, and work with his schedule when he starts school in May. He's very tempted to take it because he's tired of working every single weekend and wasn't very impressed when his managers scrunched their faces at him when he said he'd like alternating weekends because he has his kids every other one. He also says on the other hand, he's been here a year, 'made friends with all the crazies', and isn't thrilled about the two nights he might be required to work until 2am. It's selfish of me, but I don't want him to leave the hellhole that is VM because I'm almost positive I won't see him anymore if he does. I should at least start to tell him how I feel before he does get mad enough and leave the place, because I might not get another chance, and then if he does change jobs after that, well, no harm done. I wonder if it'd sound too desperate if I asked him if he wants to meet for lunch over the weekend. It's not like I have anything better to do, since I'm sure as hell not getting my tattoo like I thought I was, and I utterly hate spending the weekend trapped inside with Mom while she does absolutely nothing but sit around and watch crime drama reruns for 8 hours straight both days. He's a weird man; sometimes he's all up in my space and there are other days where his wall is up again or our friends get in the way.

I dunno, I've just had a really bad day, and I wish I lived alone so I could invite him over, or go to his place and spend the night without people wondering where I've gone all night at my age, even if nothing happens but us getting smash-faced drunk together. He seems like he'd be a lot of fun when he's drunk and I think it'd be a huge reliever of stress. If only we both didn't live at home with our families, fml.