Thursday, March 28, 2013

Where have all the good men gone?

No, seriously. I'd kind of like to know. Because of all the ones I've met here, whether they be local or have moved from some other state or city, at least three- count 'em, THREE have been arrested, put in jail, have felony records, or all three. This isn't counting the females I know with similar criminal histories. Most of them actually are local. Everyone else is either married, gay, or emotionally stunted to the point where their lives revolved around online games. Or a severe fucked up combination of some sort.

My spicy little hookup boy was taken from the store in handcuffs at the beginning of the month. He had sent over 2,000 (thousand) texts to an 11 year old girl he met online, most of which were explicit in nature and contained photos of his genitals. Needless to say, this bothered me just a little bit and culminated in spending that Friday night on Kenny and Johnny's couch, where we bitched and gossiped and Ken & I each put away most of the contents in each of our respective whiskey bottles. I also learned that our charming fucktarded former coworker has bedded at least two other employees, one of whom was a virgin until a month after she got involved with him. He dumped her the day after she gave it up. He's a goddamn sociopath, I can see it now. No feelings, none whatsoever. I've since gotten over it, but that was the worst roller coaster of unsorted churning emotions I think I've ever had the misfortune of experiencing. Disgust, slight shame, a little regret. I fooled around with a pedophile. I finally let myself off the hook, because it's not like I knew, and if I had, I wouldn't have done it.

But what kind of hurts the most, is that it was yet another disappointment. Aaron charmed me. He got my sympathies, the butterflies in my stomach, and my naughty bits all going at once. And now I have to come to terms with the reality that it was all a very well-played act. That shy, awkward boy who was scared to talk to me for so long? Who nervously reached over to hold my hand and trembled when he finally did? He never existed. And that, friend, is what bothers me now. What I thought was someone worth giving a chance finally coming along was a soulless monster who wanted nothing more than to get as deep into my pants and my mind as he could for the soul purpose of fucking everything over. Literally and figuratively. It frightens me that people like this exist and that they're so very good at what they do.

And so now I am paranoid. What if I attract another one and fall for him? I do count myself fortunate that I never really had feelings invested in Aaron - he scared me too much, for one. But he was young and inexperienced and if he isn't imprisoned or killed by the time he's 30, he'll have reached expert level. A close friend of mine was married to someone like this for over six years and had two children with him. She was lucky. She got away, he lost total interest in her and the kids both, and she met someone else and moved here. But still . . .

And then there's the issue of the not-so-available single guys. So and so is carrying a huge torch for me? Oh really? I guess it should have been painfully obvious by the way he never talks to me or almost brushes me off when I say hi. Seriously dude, you're 30. Pull your face out of WoW and MtG and be a man, because I'm sure as hell not chasing you. I made the mistake of chasing once. For two years. It won't happen again. Then there's my long-distance friend. I've known him online for over ten years, probably longer. About six years ago, he admitted to having feelings for me, but for whatever reason, I flaked and we never met. However, we still talk and remain pretty good friends. I'm also certain he still likes me, but will always insist that I come to visit and not the other way round. Actually he more like insinuates I come live, but I don't want either of us uprooting and moving until, um, you know, we know for sure this thing will work? Yeah. He literally lives on the opposite end of the country. Northwest, WAY northwest. He hinted around that I come on a cruise with him this fall (he works for a cruise line), but again, I don't know. I'm terrified now of more potential creepers. Aaron never wanted to come to me. Or with me anyplace. He always wanted me to come to him. My issue being, if this guy is so interested and thinks we're such a good match, he can uproot for a visit and bring his ass to me. Yes, to hot, humid, sticky sweaty fucked up Florida. I doubt if he's another Aaron, but still, is it so bad of me to want to meet him in my territory, so to speak? To let my friends and family figuratively sniff him over to see if their 'weirdo' alerts go off? Especially my one friend, Peachy. She's the first one who started having misgivings about Aaron, even before I did, and told me in no uncertain terms to ditch him and meet the other fish in the sea. How right she was, and even she didn't know exactly how dark he really would turn out to be.

Or why couldn't I . . . you know, just find someone without taking some insane flight/ocean/road trip? Can't there be one decent person in this messed up little hick city? I don't want a hero and I don't need a white knight. Just a companion. Just someone to be with. To hold, to talk to, to make out with. I try not to be angry with God, but it's so hard. When I was younger, I did everything a good little Christian girl should. I prayed, I went to church, I read my Bible. I didn't smoke or drink or swear or date boys who did. I actually had it set in my mind that I would marry one of those sons of a deacon or pastor and have lots of little baptist kids with him, and I was happy with that idea. But I wasn't good enough for them. I didn't wear the right clothes, or put on enough makeup, or have a college education (Why go to college for six years to stay at home and raise babies?!) And so while they went on to higher education and eventually got married, I fell off the wagon and started to enjoy the secular life and discovered a whole new side of myself, the real me. To this day I still maintain my super-sensitive, bleeding heart, I'm just less naive. And still I waited. I asked God to send me a companion, a good man. He sent me Kenny and I fell in love. But Kenny turned out to be in love with Johnny and too insecure and ashamed to admit it to the world. It was almost three years before he finally stopped pretending around me, and it was a relief last time I stayed with them that he actually went to bed in their bedroom instead of sleeping in the living room with me. But I loved them both, so I accepted that I learned something from the whole thing and I gained at least a somewhat loyal friend in that dumb bisexual redneck. So again, I asked God to send me someone.

He sent me a sociopath.

At least with Kenny I learned that I could move on and love other people. And that no matter how much of a dick he is, I will probably always love him even if I can't be with him. All in all it was still a positive experience. But what the hell, God? A sociopath who is sexually attracted to children? What could I possibly learn or gain from this? All it's done thus far is cause me to mistrust people and view every strange man I see or meet or wait on as a possible creep.

And still I wait . . .

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Simply smiling because it happened

Alas, dear Leonard, I barely knew ye.

I am sorry things didn't work out, since he was such a perfect, geeky fit. But  . . . gah. Red flags. Mainly, the fact that he wanted to have sex with me, which I was actually ok with, if he 'wrapped it up'. Next thing I know, he'd flopped down beside me and was pouting.

"I don't feel like wrapping it up" he said. "That just sounds like too much work. See, if I stop to do that, I won't stay hard, and it's just so much work, trying to put the condom on and not let it go soft, I lose my concentration."

"I told you before, I DON'T want your babies."

He fed me some story about how pulling out has 'served him well for many years'. HAHAHAHAHAAA . . .

So we made do with what we'd been doing, but I can't pretend there wasn't tension after that, and not the good kind. Either way we didn't fight, but since that night he's been notably less risque in conversation and at some points has gotten downright weird and disturbing. Earlier this week he told me he was an evil person, so I asked why. 

"I have a Nazi flag"

Holy shit. Ok, ever killed anyone?


Raped anyone?

"Not totally."

What the FUCK?! How do you 'not totally' rape someone. Ultimately I told him there's nothing wrong with having a dark side, since most of us do, as long as you don't let it take over you and go wild with it. The response?

"One day I will."

It's entirely possible I carried on a sexual relationship with a mentally unhinged person. Or maybe he was deliberately trying to scare me. Either way, I think we're done here, sadly. We still talk on occasion, but he doesn't give me anymore booty calls or even hint he'd like to get together for any reason now. I'm sorry he feels the way he does and I hope he gets help someday. I'm also a little uneasy I spent so many hours locked in a room with him with so many knives and swords laying about. Sometimes he seems pretty normal. But this. . .  yeah, it's going nowhere, and I think it's best I distance myself from him at this point. 

Regardless, as Elizabeth Swann would say "I'm not sorry." If nothing else, this was an ego boost. I am desirable, enough for this guy to persist after me for months on end before finally admitting I gave him the tinglies in his nether regions. It helped me massively to get over Kenny and to realize what a selfish dick he's always been. Crazy or not, Leonard made the friendly neighborhood Produce Guy look like an enormous turd. Not to mention, well . . . I've been wanting for a long time now just to grab someone and make out with them like there's no tomorrow. To fitfully peel clothes off and fling them wrecklessly wherever they might go. It was the sexual release I've been craving for several years, but couldn't find. And I picked up a few new skill sets, if you know what I mean *wink wink*  for the person who will ultimately matter.

I can at least say with confidence, I would have regretted not taking the leap.