When I really look at myself, I often find regret not so much in things that I've done, as in things I haven't. Warning: typical sap and such ahead, and sorry I'm not done with this after . . . gosh, almost two years, but it is nice to lay out my thoughts, and I appreciate any of you who do read this blog and all my blatherings, I really do :)
Every time that Mariah Carey song comes on, I feel a little giddy inside. Giddy, accompanied by an ache somewhere inside that grows stronger all the time. Last week about this time, I was next door, probably halfway through my third drink and getting snookered enough to become a form of entertainment for those who knew me as "That quiet, shy girl from the pharmacy. Such a good girl." Although I am happy to report that everyone is still talking to me, so I apparently didn't make too much of a spectacle out of myself. Proof that I'm still a little paranoid and a little more loosening up probably wouldn't hurt me.
I kind of stayed a little glued to Pip that evening, and I kept putting my arms around him. Granted, yes, I was drunk, but I wasn't doing it because I was drunk so much as I knew I could get away with it because I was drunk. While it felt good to be completely at ease and uninhibited to stare a little longer than was normally comfortable, to put my arms around his neck and pull him a little closer than friends probably should be, I would do the same sober in a heartbeat. Funny how just a few moments can stick in your head and drive you absolutely mad. He was leaving, it was 11:30, he was due to swipe at the time clock at 5AM, and he had all that whiskey to sleep off in the short hours between. But I wasn't letting him go just yet . . . I hit the camera button on my phone, handed it to Dixie, and attempted my ridiculous licking of his face shenanigan. Well, she was sitting and we were standing, she was too inhibited to even work the camera properly (she has the same phone!) and I got tired of hanging my tongue out so I just pulled him close instead while she tried to sort motor skills out. I'm not sure when I put my head in the curve of his neck and rested against his shoulder, but heavens, it felt wonderful, and his arm was around me, and he smelled positively intoxicating, as always, and it was with more than a bit of sadness that Dix finally got some decent pictures of us and I felt his hand slipping down and away from me. In those few moments as we were giggling at our friend's inability to perform a simple task and I kept squeezing him so that our faces pressed together and I could glance down and see the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed . . . I've almost never been quite so content. And then it was over, and his brother was reaching out for hugs of his own, and then they were gone.
At first it was nice just to keep reliving those moments, but now I'm kicking myself for not doing more, the crowd of people be damned. I was right there, it would have been so easy to just turn my head and kiss his neck. There was the time he was beside me on the porch, and for reasons I forget now, he said "Bite me, Charlie!" Charlie . . . it's a nickname. Anyways, I should have bitten him just for the hell of it. Or held that ornery stare for just a little bit longer and see what would have happened. I was doing exactly what I wanted, when I wanted, and it was so easy. I think that like me, he was just drunk enough to know exactly what was going on and not care, and I think I could have done or tried anything with him in that state. And if this ever happens again, I plan to take advantage of him. Is that shameful of me? It only seems that way because if you swapped me for him, and it was Pip saying he wanted to take advantage of a drunk woman, people would frown upon it.
In my head, I see him being very affectionate and giving and sweet if I had tried what I feel I really should have. Honestly? It could all be completely physical and just as meaningless. But you know what? For the most part, I can accept that for what it is, and I just don't care. Would I like to be able to call him up or drop in on him whenever I felt like it, just to have someone to talk to or hold? Hells yes. But I also know that I finally feel like I'm ready to lose the V-card (pardon my lack of a better term!), and I feel right about it happening with him, whether it leads to a relationship or not.
I saw him yesterday at work and he says that either Dixie or myself have to take him to Moe's next week. I told him to let me know, and he's been pretty silent on the matter, like he's done before. He's such a strange creature, getting so friendly and then dropping off the face of the earth. Maybe he gets cold feet, or he just wants me to chase him, the latter of which grows very frustrating after a while.
Oh well. There's always New Year's, and a party is already in the works, and a good friend is once again making promises to get him there come do or die and shove us in a dark corner.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
. . . which sometimes is not necessarily a bad thing. It was a really great weekend, I must say. One of the coolest people in the store also happens to live on the property right next to us, and to amend for the fact that she didn't have a Halloween party this year, she had a Nightmare Before Christmas party last night. Just like a regular adult-oriented Christmas party, only you show up in costume. My vampire fangs got the exact reactions I wanted, even if they didn't stay in after I'd have a few drinks and I had to pop them out and put them in the truck. But by that time . . . everyone was too wasted to notice or care much. It was an interesting night before it even started, honestly.
- Pick up Dixie on the other side of town because her husband is Peter Griffin and forgot to.
- Upon arrival, learn that she took a hit off an enormous bong minutes before I got there and is high out of her freaking mind.
- Stop at liquor store
- Go to drive through to get sustenance for friend on weed high.
- Exit driveway and park to give directions to the guy in maintenance, the one who looks like a leprechaun, and the huge guy in unloading.
- Receive text from Produce Guy who is about three miles away from the house and has no idea where to go next.
- Proceed to play phone tag with him because his phone keeps dropping calls right when I'm trying to tell him where to go.
- Arrive at house, get yet another call from Pippy and tell him to stay where he's at so I can come let him follow me.
- That awkward moment when we're all finally there and he blows out of the ghetto van, says he needs to use the front of my truck, and proceeds to pee in Carla's front yard. For several minutes.
I mean geez, she would have let him use the bathroom inside. Or he could have gone into the gas station where we rescued him. But then again, he'd apparently been 'pre-partying' while getting dressed and was already a few sheets to the wind, which would explain why his poor brother was already playing DD. Regardless, you know I've wanted to have alcohol and fun with him for a long time now, and I can say that while things started out a little slow, it was every bit as fun as I thought it would be. Not to mention it seemed like half the store showed up, too. Hugs from everyone! It was amazing. I've never had particularly friendly feelings for the leprechaun in maintenance, but I can't not like him anymore, I just can't. He puts on icy blue contacts and hugs me and calls me Charlie.
I really hadn't planned to have more than a few drinks, but well, sometimes things don't work out the way we mean them to and to put it bluntly, friends, I got slizzard. I have no idea what the fuck was in that orange Bacardi Rum Runner stuff but it slayed me. My judgement also told me there was nothing wrong with taking a big drink out of Pippy's cup when he offered it, which turned out to be whiskey and diet Coke O_o Dixie was the only one there who'd seen me that way before, and a lot of people just saw a whole new side to me, LOL! I kind of had a cloud of shame floating over me when I woke up this morning, but apparently last night ruled. No, I didn't sleep with anyone. There are, however, an alarming number of pictures circulating Facebook in which my arms are shamelessly locked around Pippy or his brother. What? His brother is a sweetheart, and besides that, OMFG, he snuggles when you hug him! No one can hate that. I hung all over a lot of people, male and female, but yeah, the ones of Pip were most photographed. I nearly licked him, too. Looking back, I really wish I had, it's not like he was pulling away or anything - I think I could have done any number of inappropriate things to him and he wouldn't have cared much. Ah, bless, I'm such an opportunist. Although I'm still trying to remember why we got into a shoving match while laughing at each other. Sadly, he had to leave after a few hours, since he had work at 5AM, suck. He missed me, Dixie, and Brian singing along with "Someone Like You" at the top of our lungs before leprechaun ran inside with his fingers in his ears begging us to stop. Also Brian was dressed like a woman - I don't think I've been to a party this year so far that didn't involve at least one gay/bisexual man dressed in drag.
And since it was right next door, I was just able to walk out and go home when I wanted to - on one hand Mom's asked me not to come home late anymore, and also not to come home drunk EVER, but it would have been dumb to stay next door. Thankfully she was already in bed with the lights out and after a quick exchange and her expressing genuine surprise that Flaky McFlakerson actually showed up, I chugged some water and went to bed. Woke up feeling woozy and crappy and thought for sure she'd be onto me, especially since I almost never shower first thing in the morning if I'm not working, but nah. I feel a little guilty but also relieved. It seems as if she honestly has no idea, especially after she expressed disapproval when she found out Pip brought whiskey and then went on to ask me if Ogre drinks at all and if I can't find someone who doesn't do that. Pip's such an ornery drunk though, and I love it. Not that I expect to really go anywhere with him, relationship-wise, but he's still hella fun and I like being with him.
Perhaps next time, my dear friends, I really will pull him a little bit closer and lick his face . . .