Truthfully, I want to go just by myself. Just to see what it's like, and let's face it, I know I can trust myself not to spoil my good time, if that makes sense. I won't flake out on me or decide I don't feel good in the middle of a fun day or constantly have to stop for a smoke or a rest. I might not want to jump up and leave the shore just because it's 6:50 and the changing rooms close at 7. I might want to watch the sunset with nothing but my own thoughts, or walk along the shore for however far without someone whining they're tired or bored and want to go back to the truck or get something to eat. I may not relish the idea of being alone, especially not for the rest of my life, but I've started to realize it's not as bad as I thought it was. People are just annoying, even if I do love them. While I was royally pissed off at Ken for doing what he did, AGAIN, I also was not looking forward to having to shop and pack up the truck and accommodate everyone, so amongst the angst and hurt feelings, I was also feeling relief. And then I did something I'm kind of ashamed of. I stayed in bed. All day. I didn't eat anything after breakfast until 7 that night. I quite literally stayed in bed all day because a man made me upset. I did take a break from the pity party to watch The Dark Crystal, which lifted my spirits, but still, oy. I had no motivation to do anything else, and the last thing I wanted to do was talk about it, which is all Mom seemed to be focused on every time I did show my face. Look Mum, I feel really stupid about this whole thing already without you dissecting every little detail, m'kay? Also I really can't agree with her about Kenny's brother. Apparently it was A-Ok for nephew to invite himself along, but she thought it was 'pathetic' when I said it was ok if Ken wanted to bring J. Because J is in his 40's, apparently that's what's so 'wrong' about that picture. Whatever. What I should have done that day is shrug off everyone and gone to the beach by my own damn self, but I'll know better next time. If I don't ask people, I can't be disappointed when they back out on me for no discernible reason. Maybe the solo life isn't so bad, and I'm going to seriously make an effort to try it out in the coming weeks. It may sound narcissistic, but I'm fine with being my own companion until I find someone who doesn't put a huge cramp in my style, and actually values my time and feelings. Everyone else can just go away.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
I'm beginning to think that God has let me remain single for a very good reason. The more I get to know people, even people I like, going places, making plans, doing things with them . . . it really can be a big, aggravating hassle. Or maybe I just haven't met the right people yet. Last weekend = epic failure. I can't blame my nephew entirely, since he's legitimately sick, but I'm still angry that he couldn't be bothered to tell me he wasn't coming until I slammed on the wall and asked him. Saturday I'd talked to Ken and we'd settled on a time to meet and pick him up and everything, and then he's just all "No, not this time, I have stuff to do" in the morning. I really don't have words. I can't even blame the house arrest this time. It's glaringly obvious this time that he just doesn't like me that way, but it's also clear that he doesn't have the balls to just man up and tell me 'no'. And now I still have to wonder why he insisted on seeking me out and asking me to lunch last month, he's just so freaking weird. I was ranting a little about it at work this morning and mentioned it wasn't the first time this particular 'friend' had flaked out on me. S, the pharmacist filling in while the boss is gone, said "Well Shiny, I'd have to say if this happens that much, it kind of falls back on you." She wasn't saying it to be mean or snarky, but she was very right, and I do claim responsibility for part of this mess this time. "Shame on you both", says Dixie, referring to myself and the guy known as Frosted Flake. Him for being such an ass and me for constantly expecting different results from him. Dix says she'll go to the beach with me this weekend. Meh. She also said "You might pick up a zombie, but I'll be there!" Yeah, she's planning on going to a friend's house Friday night and getting shit-faced drunk. I've seen her on the morning after a night of getting pissed. Yeah, she's gonna be worthless till about three in the afternoon. Sorry, but no. I'm just gonna have to tell her I plan on leaving REALLY early in the morning Saturday and we can go another time. I'm not having a friend screw up my weekend plans yet again, no matter how well-meaning they might be.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
AKA C'est la vie Part II.
Halfway through another workweek. I miss the boss. Not that the lady who is helping fill in his shifts while he's gone is horrible or anything, I actually really like her, but yeah, there's something about having the boss there, laid back, understanding, and all around a great guy. Even if he can't talk an octave below bellowing to save his life. I swear, you can hear him across the store. Well, we miss him and without him around, it makes it incredibly difficult to keep him up to tabs on Tardy's increasingly bad work ethics, or lack thereof. Hopefully it'll only be a few more weeks and we'll have him back. I'm bummed that Student tech will be leaving us in less than two weeks. She's forever cutting up with ridiculous statements and sometimes thinly veiled (but funny and true) insults. I'm also curious and slightly nervous at the prospect of her replacement. From what I understand, Raj's friend is almost a lock for the job, sounds like he's Indian, too. But then again I trust Raj, and if it's someone he thinks will be a good fit with the team, I shouldn't worry too much. And then I wonder if Tardy will throw a fit about the newbie 'stealing' her job like she does about the other guy. Then poor boss will have to hire another cashier, too.
Tardy's wedding is the third, and while I've told her I'll be there and I'm gonna mail back the RSVP, I really think I'm going to be 'unfortunately sick' that weekend. The number of times I've been begged to work on my day off, or she took a 90 minute lunch, showed up late, left early, or left me with a line of people while she chatted with her future mother in law or someone else about wedding plans has put me off of it, quite frankly. Is that too bitchy of a thing for me to do? Backing out due to illness just seems like it'd be a lot less trouble than explaining to her that I outright don't want to go and the drama it would cause. She's even changed it so that there's going to be a fancy sit down dinner afterwards, and I . . . I just don't do formal dinners very well at all, I don't care who is there. I've thought about asking if it's ok for me to bring a date and then go beg Ken to suffer through it with me, but I figure why put him through that as well. He'll think I'm nuts. I'll just invite myself over and share enough drinks with him to the point I really am unable to go anywhere. XD Nah . . . I'll just say I'm sick.
Truth be told, I'm not sure I'd be able to invite myself over to Ken's even if I felt we were 'tight' enough to do that. Like Dixie, my produce guy is also homeless for the time being. There's a slight bit of humor to be found, due to vague internet updates, and misleading comments from other friends. "Gonna be big changes and good ones in my life", you see, followed by "Let me know if there's anything I can do to help you with the transition" led me to believe he was coming out of the closet on us. I really and truly thought he was gay for a day or two, and figured that was the reason we clicked so well. I do <3 my gay friends to death, but I kind of panicked a little at the thought of him playing for the other team, and then I subsequently felt bad about that. But a simple 'I have no idea what's going on but I'm always here for you' was adequate enough to get him to spill that he'd gotten into it with his Dad and sister and decided it was time for him and J to move out until they can get court orders to get the house back. What a mess. In the meanwhile they're living in a motel room. Oddly enough, they both seem happier than I've ever seen them when they were living at 'home'. Although I imagine paying for the room is gonna get awfully pricey after a while . . .
I have to admit though, the unrest that the possible "Frosted Flake is gay" thing caused me made me realize that I still have strong feelings for him. Fuck. If he was only my friend, the idea that he might not be into women as much as he once was shouldn't bother me. I've decided that when the opportune moment presents itself, I'm just going to go in for the kill. He may respond in a good way, or he may never speak to me again. Either way, it might just be worth it if only to have an answer. He needs to check his schedule for the weekend, but if he's not working we both agreed I'm going to scoop him up and spend at least a day in St. Augustine. I'll give him a poke if he hasn't got an answer by Thursday, but at least he didn't outright say no. There was a storyline on House M.D. for a while involving Chase's pursuit of Cameron. She kept telling him no, but he insisted on reserving Tuesday for waiting until they were alone to remind her that he liked her and would like to try a relationship with her. Corny, but hell, the writers had to get that from somewhere. I think I'll model Dr. Chase for a while, if not quite in such a forward manner - I'm just gonna keep asking this guy out until he tries at least once, goes away, or I find someone else. It's not like it'll do any major harm. In the meanwhile I'll just try not to get my hopes up too much. Although the idea of spending a two hour one-way drive plus the time on the beach, restaurants and possibly motel room alone with him is kind of terrifying. What if we run out of things to talk about? What if he doesn't take me 'going in for the kill' very well and then I'm stuck driving him home for two hours? OMG . . . Oh well.
As for my other homeless friend, Dix and I are ok again, I guess. She's stopped being so possessive and weird, although I'm still convinced she married a manchild and has some growing up to do, herself. Oddly enough she's not at all peeved or surprised that I've re-lit the torch for this whiskey soaked brat, either, and thinks my 'just grab him and find out what happens' idea is brilliant.
My nephew came back last Friday, too. I was originally gonna get him on the 20th. Then it was "I can't take this anymore, I need you to come get me this Saturday." Then I was gonna get him Friday night since I got off early, and then my Dad just said forget it and dropped off the truck when he went back to work Friday morning and kid drove himself home. He's not really clingy or showing signs of being thrilled at being back, other than asking for pizza and Mountain Dew and chocolate ice cream on his Friday, but he was calling the house four times a day while he was gone. He'd ring my cell at 8 or 9 in the morning and talk for an hour, it was ridiculous and I felt really bad for him. I took him to Deathly Hallows part II on Friday night and that was fun. Alan Rickman, you break my heart, you really do. So it's life back to normal, or at least the way it was before Nephew left in the first place, although I really must admit, it's really nice having someone a little close to my age in the house again. Someone whose interests aren't exactly like mine, but go outside the range of sitting in the house watching crime dramas for hours on end on a weekend.
So all in all, it's been a nice, if un-extraordinary week. I have my nephew back, I'm not freaked out by Dixie anymore, and to some extent, I have Kenny back. What a dysfunctional little trio they are, but I'm beginning to realize just how much they all mean to me in their own weird little ways.