Saturday, May 28, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
Now I can't stop listening to this.
While the lyrics fit almost exactly, except for the first kiss part, since I never had one, it's not such a good feeling. Sometimes I sing it out loud, alone or with a friend, and it's freeing. Other times I sit and listen and cry quietly. It comes back in waves; I think that I'm over him, and then it all comes back again. Maybe weaker each time, but it comes back nonetheless, and I hate it. I never really got over the drummer from church until I met Pippin. And now? Now I have to wait for the next guy to come along and give me butterflies before I'm over this one? I wish I didn't feel the need to be validated by a member of the opposite sex, that I could just be happy with the friends I have. I saw him this morning and he waved. He waved, and that was it, he kept on walking where once he would have stopped and kept my attention for as long as possible. He used to come to the pharmacy and pretend to be a problem customer, or walk up to the drop off window and give Dixie a long, detailed, and hopefully fabricated story about a horrible fungus rash in his groin. And then he used to come by at lunchtime and harass me until I left with him. Why? Why did he stop? No rhyme, no reason, and I wish I understood why; it hurts, and I really wish I could just stop thinking about it, trying to figure out what happened for things to get so cold between us.
Maybe it was just me getting my response from him. I said I'd start to come on a little stronger, invade his personal space, touch him and try to cuddle on him. I did, and now he's pretty much gone. Someone I used to spend every possible free minute with, have lunch with three or more times a week, is now nothing more than an acquaintance. How sad. I'm kind of pathetic, and there's nothing I can do about it. We've seen it in TV shows and in movies countless times; there's this one poor man or woman who is a complete sap, completely and utterly smitten with someone who probably couldn't care less about them, the classic story of unrequited love that unfolds as the person's friends look on in pity, constantly trying to snap them out of it. But life isn't like the movies, not all the time. But I still hope I find my happy ending, in myself or in someone who really is worth my time.
Friday, May 13, 2011
I get annoyed with Blogger sometimes. I had this whole post typed out and went to post it only to find out the site went read only. I went into my drafts yesterday to post it and some of it was missing, and the site was still read-only. Today I went to see if I could post it and the whole entry is gone. BAH! Oh well. It all boiled down to:
We see some weird ass names in the pharmacy and everyone, pharmacists included, gets a huge kick out of them. Pippy and I talk from time to time, but nothing like before. The other night he was acting the narcissist again and posted a picture of himself shirtless in a cowboy hat and I'm fairly sure all the females on his friends list had a minor stroke, myself included. Dix even admitted to me that if she weren't married/wasn't friends with me and therefore aware of my doomed attraction to him, hell she'd be going after that, LOL. Oh well, everyone loves him. That was the basic jist of my lost post.
I wish I could say that it really is down to nothing but me investing a few fantasies in him, maybe involving me bending him over and whipping his ass until he squeals. But something kind of tells me he's interested or possibly considering seeing the bitchy little diva in health & beauty, and if I was strictly interested in sex, than why do I want to rip her insides out through her cunt? God, please take this whole thing away from me before it turns me into a horrible person. It's not fair. I have an amazing group of people in the Funny Pharm. Even Crotchety has his lovable qualities. It's not right that they pick at me and make me laugh all day, every day, week in and week out, have me over their houses (GIVE ME PUPPIES, OMG!), invite me out to clubs, and all I can do is feel like SuperBitch just because Pips is a Grade A asshole who says he loves me but doesn't act like it. One of the other cashiers wants to get everyone together to go out to club rodeo tomorrow night, and now one of the techs who shares my weekend says she's going to harass me about it all day tomorrow and then the day after if I don't go. On one hand, I really should go, because these are my friends, the people who DO want to do things with me and include me. People who answer phone calls and texts and don't back out of plans. On the other hand, it seems like anytime we do anything, it's always on the weekend I have to work, or when I'm particularly emotional about Pips, and I end up drinking just enough to turn my eyes into little hazel rivers once I get home. I just hate going out with them sometimes because everyone has someone but me and I kind of feel like a fifth wheel, you know?
And now, the inexplicable. Possible TMI ahead, just so you have a fair warning. I had some odd dreams last night. I don't remember them in particular, just that they vaguely involved one of the guys in maintenance at work. The only reason I can think he'd be on my mind is because his birthday was a few days ago, but I didn't see him or anything. And then today, shortly after I got back to work, he was slouching around the pharmacy area, pushing a damp mop and looking kind of moody and pissed off. And in that instant I became suddenly and inexplicably fucking horny. Not like I've ever been in my life. Not that I've had experience with sex or anything, but I have NEVER felt this aroused or 'needy'. Ever. It wasn't “Oh, I bet he'd be fun. Something to ponder.” No, it was more like “I just don't even care. I don't even need foreplay. I want to lock us both in a room naked and spread so he can have me like an animal.” That's just not like me. Not that it's a bad thing, but it's just so unlike me, and I don't understand where it came from or why it's aimed at him of all people. I don't dislike him, though I'm aware he can get pretty hot under the collar if he's rubbed the wrong way; he used to have massive venting sessions with me when he pushed carts and got mad at the other guys. I suspect he might have a slight thing for me, but I can't be sure. I just tend to get the warm fuzzies for someone before my mind jumps into imaginary scenes of pornography involving the two of us. It was incredibly distracting and I'm frankly amazed I made it through the workday without a coworker or customer asking me if I was quite alright. Eventually he took his mop and moved on and the feeling very gradually passed, and then I went to break and had some donuts, and I was almost normal. Then a while later he came by again and I flared up again. I was scared to even look him in the face because I was worried he'd somehow be able to tell what I was thinking about. I don't even really know him that well. Maybe I should see what he works tomorrow and ask him to the club with us. Or like other short-lived attractions, this too shall pass.