Sunday, August 15, 2010

Tales of Wal-Creatures: Volume 1

Anyone who is familiar with would know what a Wal-Creature is. If not, they are, in short, those of our human race who choose to display themselves in a manner that most of us would rather they didn't. Vehemently. When I was younger, my brother Stephen worked retail jobs and used to come home with shocking/disgusting/hilarious stories. Now I'm the one bringing them home, sometimes firsthand, sometimes second. Every now and then I'm lucky enough to witness a Tale for myself. But anywho, here's what I've managed to gather in the past few weeks.


I've mentioned this on a message board, but heck, it's a fun one. Picture a lovely Saturday afternoon, middle of a nice sunny day. We were doing fairly steady business and I was waiting on an older couple. As someone walked by the register, headed for the GM door, I noticed out of the corner of my eye that something wasn't quite right. I turned around and saw a woman wearing some sort of tight black top, fishnet stockings, and what I can only describe as a disco ball that's been skinned and fashioned into a pair of granny panties. Oh, and she was wearing tennis shoes/trainers to complete this ensemble. You've been a very, VERY bad girl, Gaga reject/wannabe. A very bad girl. But I love this one so much because it gets such an awesome reaction out of coworkers and the occasional customer. Had the poor girl from HBA cracking up yesterday because she was trying to imagine someone waking up in the morning and saying "Hmm, what am I going to wear today? . . . I think I'll pick the fishnets and sparkle panties!" She asked me if I would leave the house dressed like this, since I mentioned the girl was about my age.

"Me? Hell, I wouldn't dress at home like that! I mean why would I do that?" Produce Man, who shall henceforth be known as Pippin due to his annoying resemblance to Billy Boyd, then looked at me for a moment and laughed until he cried. I'd love to know if he was laughing at my supposed innocence or if he actually pictured me dressed in disco ball undies. Perhaps both.

Fish Tacos, Anyone?

The above discussion with Pippin and HBA lady (Henceforth known as Gummy because she has no teeth) led to more tales from her. About a month ago, a customer wanted to try on a bathing suit. It was after 10PM so the fitting room was closed for the night. Ah, but this clever lady wouldn't be put off by a little thing like that. She just took off all her clothes and underwear right there in the middle of apparel and struggled naked to try on the bathing suit that way. No one seems to know what happened after that, but it wouldn't surprise me if the police were involved. Why doesn't anyone do this crap when I'm working?

Tidbit Tale: Before the remodel, the shoe department was located near the back of the store. A guy with a foot/shoe fetish was caught jacking off at the boot wall. I'm pretty sure the police were definitely involved that time.

Pip then chimed in and said that a girl who works with him in Produce was flagged down by a 'lady' yesterday and started asking her all sorts of questions. Normal customer questions, mind. But between her shorts being so tiny and her top being so tight, everything was hanging out for the world to see. Including her bush. Actually I think he might have been the one to bring up this story in the first place, leading to all this discussion of customer nudity. Who knows. But seriously, who leaves the house with their pubes hanging out? And then ENTERS a STORE in the same condition? Gawd, the fresh produce department of all places. *gag*

One of my fellow cashiers is a 19 year old kid I've known since he was 13 or so, and he's a lot of fun. I'll call him Hurley for all intents and purposes because well . . . again, there's a resemblance. When we're bored we'll start singing The Mysterious Ticking Noise together; he calls it "our friendship song". Anyways, he told me that once he was waiting on a very voluptuous lady wearing a very short skirt. She had a case of water under her shopping cart and proceeded to bend over to retrieve it and place it on his counter. "Ma'am, I really wouldn't be doing that if I were you!" he warned her, but she continued to bend over repeatedly, for various reasons, and this is how Hurley learned that she didn't have any underwear on. I think he initially figured this, but tried to save himself from learning firsthand anyways. Better luck next time, Hurley. I'll buy you the Brain Bleach® this time if you promise to do the same for me when the need arises.

And yet another! I was standing by the time clock with Pippin and Roland (meat dept associate) waiting for 6 o'clock to roll around. Dan and Walt from the Tire & Lube Express were laying around on benches in the hall, apparently on break. Roland and Pip had been together most of the day because Pip got pulled from Produce to stock cheese, which is near the meat. Roland just kept shaking his head and saying "I guess I should wear sunglasses in here from now on!" I had to know the story behind this one, because Roland really is an easygoing kind of guy, who makes it out to church as often as he can. He told me that he was in the middle of shelving some packages of meat, but when he turned around and bent over to put it in the correct location, he discovered a middle-aged woman in a very short skirt bent over directly in front of his face. She wasn't wearing panties, either. I'd buy him some Brain Bleach too, but I'm sure he already has plenty of bleach, working in meat and all. Poor guy. Still, it makes for great stories to share XD

And so ends Volume 1 of Wal-Creature Tales. Be sure and tune in next time! Hope you enjoyed the variation from suck to . . . well ok, I won't say I envy these employees for having to see so many pubic regions without being given a choice, but I still think it's funny.

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