Truthfully, I want to go just by myself. Just to see what it's like, and let's face it, I know I can trust myself not to spoil my good time, if that makes sense. I won't flake out on me or decide I don't feel good in the middle of a fun day or constantly have to stop for a smoke or a rest. I might not want to jump up and leave the shore just because it's 6:50 and the changing rooms close at 7. I might want to watch the sunset with nothing but my own thoughts, or walk along the shore for however far without someone whining they're tired or bored and want to go back to the truck or get something to eat. I may not relish the idea of being alone, especially not for the rest of my life, but I've started to realize it's not as bad as I thought it was. People are just annoying, even if I do love them. While I was royally pissed off at Ken for doing what he did, AGAIN, I also was not looking forward to having to shop and pack up the truck and accommodate everyone, so amongst the angst and hurt feelings, I was also feeling relief. And then I did something I'm kind of ashamed of. I stayed in bed. All day. I didn't eat anything after breakfast until 7 that night. I quite literally stayed in bed all day because a man made me upset. I did take a break from the pity party to watch The Dark Crystal, which lifted my spirits, but still, oy. I had no motivation to do anything else, and the last thing I wanted to do was talk about it, which is all Mom seemed to be focused on every time I did show my face. Look Mum, I feel really stupid about this whole thing already without you dissecting every little detail, m'kay? Also I really can't agree with her about Kenny's brother. Apparently it was A-Ok for nephew to invite himself along, but she thought it was 'pathetic' when I said it was ok if Ken wanted to bring J. Because J is in his 40's, apparently that's what's so 'wrong' about that picture. Whatever. What I should have done that day is shrug off everyone and gone to the beach by my own damn self, but I'll know better next time. If I don't ask people, I can't be disappointed when they back out on me for no discernible reason. Maybe the solo life isn't so bad, and I'm going to seriously make an effort to try it out in the coming weeks. It may sound narcissistic, but I'm fine with being my own companion until I find someone who doesn't put a huge cramp in my style, and actually values my time and feelings. Everyone else can just go away.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
I'm beginning to think that God has let me remain single for a very good reason. The more I get to know people, even people I like, going places, making plans, doing things with them . . . it really can be a big, aggravating hassle. Or maybe I just haven't met the right people yet. Last weekend = epic failure. I can't blame my nephew entirely, since he's legitimately sick, but I'm still angry that he couldn't be bothered to tell me he wasn't coming until I slammed on the wall and asked him. Saturday I'd talked to Ken and we'd settled on a time to meet and pick him up and everything, and then he's just all "No, not this time, I have stuff to do" in the morning. I really don't have words. I can't even blame the house arrest this time. It's glaringly obvious this time that he just doesn't like me that way, but it's also clear that he doesn't have the balls to just man up and tell me 'no'. And now I still have to wonder why he insisted on seeking me out and asking me to lunch last month, he's just so freaking weird. I was ranting a little about it at work this morning and mentioned it wasn't the first time this particular 'friend' had flaked out on me. S, the pharmacist filling in while the boss is gone, said "Well Shiny, I'd have to say if this happens that much, it kind of falls back on you." She wasn't saying it to be mean or snarky, but she was very right, and I do claim responsibility for part of this mess this time. "Shame on you both", says Dixie, referring to myself and the guy known as Frosted Flake. Him for being such an ass and me for constantly expecting different results from him. Dix says she'll go to the beach with me this weekend. Meh. She also said "You might pick up a zombie, but I'll be there!" Yeah, she's planning on going to a friend's house Friday night and getting shit-faced drunk. I've seen her on the morning after a night of getting pissed. Yeah, she's gonna be worthless till about three in the afternoon. Sorry, but no. I'm just gonna have to tell her I plan on leaving REALLY early in the morning Saturday and we can go another time. I'm not having a friend screw up my weekend plans yet again, no matter how well-meaning they might be.