Friday, July 13, 2012

Wherein I Question The Existence of God

Just what it says on the label, folks.

It's odd how something small can trigger an emotional breakdown. Yesterday after coming home from work, I went outside to feed Bea, my Dad's big dog, and my cat, Mort. As I was headed back to the house, I noticed the two small dogs wandering around out front - normally they can't go out there, but Mom had left the gates wide open when she drove a load of hay to the shed. No biggie, I called them and they came toodling over like the faithful little furballs they are, only my dog, Strider, spotted them just then. I love Strider like a child, but I'll be honest, he does really freaking dumb things sometimes. Apparently the sight of Meeko and Annie in the front yard reminded him that the front yard existed, and he decided he had to be in it, right then. So he darted. Maybe he wanted to take a stroll down past Karla's house, too, just because. Regardless, despite my calling and calling, he was and he wasn't coming back anytime soon. More than likely he just went underneath of our doublewide, but I was still infuriated beyond reason by that point. This isn't the first time he's pulled this, and it probably won't be the last. It was just the straw I needed on top of a frustrating day at work dealing with the unwashed, ignorant, uneducated masses and Shorty being a ditz as well. (Really, you don't know how close I was to telling my boss that I was first going to throw her over the counter if she didn't stop messing around and help me, and after she was over the counter, I would be walking out and leaving for the day, the last hour be damned).

So I had a bad day at work, and my dog was being an ornery brat. This obviously brought to my attention that life sucks and everything bad happens to me and I had a sort of meltdown. Why can't Strider just obey me? Why does he go under the house where it's filthy and dangerous and there are things he can break when the alternative is being inside the house with a love seat, a/c, and table scraps? Why are most of our customers hairy assholes bent on making everyone else miserable? Why, when I had gotten a nice bit of money saved and sent off a really huge payment to the auto loan company because I want to pay off my vehicle faster, did it have to flood for the first time in over a hundred years and make me miss three days of work? Come to that, we were pretty lucky in that flood. Sure, we had a horrible case of cabin fever, but we didn't sink any vehicles, our house is dry, our animals are ok, and we never even lost power. But other people lost everything. Their whole homes engulfed in flood water, everything ruined, pets drowned. One of my neighbors/coworkers drove her SUV into a 'puddle' in the road. The puddle turned out to be deeper than it looked, she and her sister narrowly escaped the vehicle and found themselves almost neck deep in water. This was about a mile away. Another coworker ruined her truck when she drove into a similar flooded road because she was desperate to get at her insulin-dependent father's house to see if he was ok. And as always, there were a few casualties.

Sure, we can say "Well, be grateful, it could be worse!", but why would a loving God let something like this happen to begin with? I'm sure all those people didn't deserve to lose their homes and their cars. The business owners didn't need to be ruined right now. A sinkhole didn't need to open up under a courthouse that has stood in Live Oak since 1904. The Cranky Pharmacist™ said he went down one of the flooded highways today and saw people operating bulldozers with arms, using the arms to scoop out furniture and other things just floating in the water. There are cars submerged in water along the road I used to take to town every day and rumor has it that there is a semi in there somewhere as well. Are we really supposed to look at all this destruction and disaster and say "O, what a great and merciful God we serve!" just because He didn't kill or injure me? Granted, I'm not really happy about the three days work missed, either. When you work where I do, three days really HURTS.

At least twice since, I have gotten lost simply driving home from work because of the weird detours I have to take and had no idea where I was. I had breakdowns then, too. If God cared about me so much, why would he let me get lost? Why does he let people be assholes to me and my friends at work? Why is it, every time I start to get ahead, something like this happens and I end up with skeletal funds yet again and have to start all over? Why am I pushing 29 and still living with my parents while other people are not only living comfortably on their own, but have also managed to find a companion to share life with? Ugh. I keep repeating to myself "There is no God. No God would let this kind of injustice happen. If there is a God, He obviously hates me and is a narcissistic dick."

Although, something tells me that if I really believed that, I wouldn't be screaming at the sky in the next breath, cursing said nacissistic god and asking Him "Why?!" But I really am starting to think He's just not as attentive as the baptist preachers would have me believe . . .

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