Thursday, March 28, 2013

Where have all the good men gone?

No, seriously. I'd kind of like to know. Because of all the ones I've met here, whether they be local or have moved from some other state or city, at least three- count 'em, THREE have been arrested, put in jail, have felony records, or all three. This isn't counting the females I know with similar criminal histories. Most of them actually are local. Everyone else is either married, gay, or emotionally stunted to the point where their lives revolved around online games. Or a severe fucked up combination of some sort.

My spicy little hookup boy was taken from the store in handcuffs at the beginning of the month. He had sent over 2,000 (thousand) texts to an 11 year old girl he met online, most of which were explicit in nature and contained photos of his genitals. Needless to say, this bothered me just a little bit and culminated in spending that Friday night on Kenny and Johnny's couch, where we bitched and gossiped and Ken & I each put away most of the contents in each of our respective whiskey bottles. I also learned that our charming fucktarded former coworker has bedded at least two other employees, one of whom was a virgin until a month after she got involved with him. He dumped her the day after she gave it up. He's a goddamn sociopath, I can see it now. No feelings, none whatsoever. I've since gotten over it, but that was the worst roller coaster of unsorted churning emotions I think I've ever had the misfortune of experiencing. Disgust, slight shame, a little regret. I fooled around with a pedophile. I finally let myself off the hook, because it's not like I knew, and if I had, I wouldn't have done it.

But what kind of hurts the most, is that it was yet another disappointment. Aaron charmed me. He got my sympathies, the butterflies in my stomach, and my naughty bits all going at once. And now I have to come to terms with the reality that it was all a very well-played act. That shy, awkward boy who was scared to talk to me for so long? Who nervously reached over to hold my hand and trembled when he finally did? He never existed. And that, friend, is what bothers me now. What I thought was someone worth giving a chance finally coming along was a soulless monster who wanted nothing more than to get as deep into my pants and my mind as he could for the soul purpose of fucking everything over. Literally and figuratively. It frightens me that people like this exist and that they're so very good at what they do.

And so now I am paranoid. What if I attract another one and fall for him? I do count myself fortunate that I never really had feelings invested in Aaron - he scared me too much, for one. But he was young and inexperienced and if he isn't imprisoned or killed by the time he's 30, he'll have reached expert level. A close friend of mine was married to someone like this for over six years and had two children with him. She was lucky. She got away, he lost total interest in her and the kids both, and she met someone else and moved here. But still . . .

And then there's the issue of the not-so-available single guys. So and so is carrying a huge torch for me? Oh really? I guess it should have been painfully obvious by the way he never talks to me or almost brushes me off when I say hi. Seriously dude, you're 30. Pull your face out of WoW and MtG and be a man, because I'm sure as hell not chasing you. I made the mistake of chasing once. For two years. It won't happen again. Then there's my long-distance friend. I've known him online for over ten years, probably longer. About six years ago, he admitted to having feelings for me, but for whatever reason, I flaked and we never met. However, we still talk and remain pretty good friends. I'm also certain he still likes me, but will always insist that I come to visit and not the other way round. Actually he more like insinuates I come live, but I don't want either of us uprooting and moving until, um, you know, we know for sure this thing will work? Yeah. He literally lives on the opposite end of the country. Northwest, WAY northwest. He hinted around that I come on a cruise with him this fall (he works for a cruise line), but again, I don't know. I'm terrified now of more potential creepers. Aaron never wanted to come to me. Or with me anyplace. He always wanted me to come to him. My issue being, if this guy is so interested and thinks we're such a good match, he can uproot for a visit and bring his ass to me. Yes, to hot, humid, sticky sweaty fucked up Florida. I doubt if he's another Aaron, but still, is it so bad of me to want to meet him in my territory, so to speak? To let my friends and family figuratively sniff him over to see if their 'weirdo' alerts go off? Especially my one friend, Peachy. She's the first one who started having misgivings about Aaron, even before I did, and told me in no uncertain terms to ditch him and meet the other fish in the sea. How right she was, and even she didn't know exactly how dark he really would turn out to be.

Or why couldn't I . . . you know, just find someone without taking some insane flight/ocean/road trip? Can't there be one decent person in this messed up little hick city? I don't want a hero and I don't need a white knight. Just a companion. Just someone to be with. To hold, to talk to, to make out with. I try not to be angry with God, but it's so hard. When I was younger, I did everything a good little Christian girl should. I prayed, I went to church, I read my Bible. I didn't smoke or drink or swear or date boys who did. I actually had it set in my mind that I would marry one of those sons of a deacon or pastor and have lots of little baptist kids with him, and I was happy with that idea. But I wasn't good enough for them. I didn't wear the right clothes, or put on enough makeup, or have a college education (Why go to college for six years to stay at home and raise babies?!) And so while they went on to higher education and eventually got married, I fell off the wagon and started to enjoy the secular life and discovered a whole new side of myself, the real me. To this day I still maintain my super-sensitive, bleeding heart, I'm just less naive. And still I waited. I asked God to send me a companion, a good man. He sent me Kenny and I fell in love. But Kenny turned out to be in love with Johnny and too insecure and ashamed to admit it to the world. It was almost three years before he finally stopped pretending around me, and it was a relief last time I stayed with them that he actually went to bed in their bedroom instead of sleeping in the living room with me. But I loved them both, so I accepted that I learned something from the whole thing and I gained at least a somewhat loyal friend in that dumb bisexual redneck. So again, I asked God to send me someone.

He sent me a sociopath.

At least with Kenny I learned that I could move on and love other people. And that no matter how much of a dick he is, I will probably always love him even if I can't be with him. All in all it was still a positive experience. But what the hell, God? A sociopath who is sexually attracted to children? What could I possibly learn or gain from this? All it's done thus far is cause me to mistrust people and view every strange man I see or meet or wait on as a possible creep.

And still I wait . . .

No comments:

Post a Comment