I'm beginning to think that God has let me remain single for a very good reason. The more I get to know people, even people I like, going places, making plans, doing things with them . . . it really can be a big, aggravating hassle. Or maybe I just haven't met the right people yet. Last weekend = epic failure. I can't blame my nephew entirely, since he's legitimately sick, but I'm still angry that he couldn't be bothered to tell me he wasn't coming until I slammed on the wall and asked him. Saturday I'd talked to Ken and we'd settled on a time to meet and pick him up and everything, and then he's just all "No, not this time, I have stuff to do" in the morning. I really don't have words. I can't even blame the house arrest this time. It's glaringly obvious this time that he just doesn't like me that way, but it's also clear that he doesn't have the balls to just man up and tell me 'no'. And now I still have to wonder why he insisted on seeking me out and asking me to lunch last month, he's just so freaking weird. I was ranting a little about it at work this morning and mentioned it wasn't the first time this particular 'friend' had flaked out on me. S, the pharmacist filling in while the boss is gone, said "Well Shiny, I'd have to say if this happens that much, it kind of falls back on you." She wasn't saying it to be mean or snarky, but she was very right, and I do claim responsibility for part of this mess this time. "Shame on you both", says Dixie, referring to myself and the guy known as Frosted Flake. Him for being such an ass and me for constantly expecting different results from him. Dix says she'll go to the beach with me this weekend. Meh. She also said "You might pick up a zombie, but I'll be there!" Yeah, she's planning on going to a friend's house Friday night and getting shit-faced drunk. I've seen her on the morning after a night of getting pissed. Yeah, she's gonna be worthless till about three in the afternoon. Sorry, but no. I'm just gonna have to tell her I plan on leaving REALLY early in the morning Saturday and we can go another time. I'm not having a friend screw up my weekend plans yet again, no matter how well-meaning they might be.

Truthfully, I want to go just by myself. Just to see what it's like, and let's face it, I know I can trust myself not to spoil my good time, if that makes sense. I won't flake out on me or decide I don't feel good in the middle of a fun day or constantly have to stop for a smoke or a rest. I might not want to jump up and leave the shore just because it's 6:50 and the changing rooms close at 7. I might want to watch the sunset with nothing but my own thoughts, or walk along the shore for however far without someone whining they're tired or bored and want to go back to the truck or get something to eat. I may not relish the idea of being alone, especially not for the rest of my life, but I've started to realize it's not as bad as I thought it was. People are just annoying, even if I do love them. While I was royally pissed off at Ken for doing what he did, AGAIN, I also was not looking forward to having to shop and pack up the truck and accommodate everyone, so amongst the angst and hurt feelings, I was also feeling relief. And then I did something I'm kind of ashamed of. I stayed in bed. All day. I didn't eat anything after breakfast until 7 that night. I quite literally stayed in bed all day because a man made me upset. I did take a break from the pity party to watch The Dark Crystal, which lifted my spirits, but still, oy. I had no motivation to do anything else, and the last thing I wanted to do was talk about it, which is all Mom seemed to be focused on every time I did show my face. Look Mum, I feel really stupid about this whole thing already without you dissecting every little detail, m'kay? Also I really can't agree with her about Kenny's brother. Apparently it was A-Ok for nephew to invite himself along, but she thought it was 'pathetic' when I said it was ok if Ken wanted to bring J. Because J is in his 40's, apparently that's what's so 'wrong' about that picture. Whatever. What I should have done that day is shrug off everyone and gone to the beach by my own damn self, but I'll know better next time. If I don't ask people, I can't be disappointed when they back out on me for no discernible reason. Maybe the solo life isn't so bad, and I'm going to seriously make an effort to try it out in the coming weeks. It may sound narcissistic, but I'm fine with being my own companion until I find someone who doesn't put a huge cramp in my style, and actually values my time and feelings. Everyone else can just go away.

You make me smile/please stay for a while now

AKA C'est la vie Part II.

Halfway through another workweek. I miss the boss. Not that the lady who is helping fill in his shifts while he's gone is horrible or anything, I actually really like her, but yeah, there's something about having the boss there, laid back, understanding, and all around a great guy. Even if he can't talk an octave below bellowing to save his life. I swear, you can hear him across the store. Well, we miss him and without him around, it makes it incredibly difficult to keep him up to tabs on Tardy's increasingly bad work ethics, or lack thereof. Hopefully it'll only be a few more weeks and we'll have him back. I'm bummed that Student tech will be leaving us in less than two weeks. She's forever cutting up with ridiculous statements and sometimes thinly veiled (but funny and true) insults. I'm also curious and slightly nervous at the prospect of her replacement. From what I understand, Raj's friend is almost a lock for the job, sounds like he's Indian, too. But then again I trust Raj, and if it's someone he thinks will be a good fit with the team, I shouldn't worry too much. And then I wonder if Tardy will throw a fit about the newbie 'stealing' her job like she does about the other guy. Then poor boss will have to hire another cashier, too.

Tardy's wedding is the third, and while I've told her I'll be there and I'm gonna mail back the RSVP, I really think I'm going to be 'unfortunately sick' that weekend. The number of times I've been begged to work on my day off, or she took a 90 minute lunch, showed up late, left early, or left me with a line of people while she chatted with her future mother in law or someone else about wedding plans has put me off of it, quite frankly. Is that too bitchy of a thing for me to do? Backing out due to illness just seems like it'd be a lot less trouble than explaining to her that I outright don't want to go and the drama it would cause. She's even changed it so that there's going to be a fancy sit down dinner afterwards, and I . . . I just don't do formal dinners very well at all, I don't care who is there. I've thought about asking if it's ok for me to bring a date and then go beg Ken to suffer through it with me, but I figure why put him through that as well. He'll think I'm nuts. I'll just invite myself over and share enough drinks with him to the point I really am unable to go anywhere. XD Nah . . . I'll just say I'm sick.

Truth be told, I'm not sure I'd be able to invite myself over to Ken's even if I felt we were 'tight' enough to do that. Like Dixie, my produce guy is also homeless for the time being. There's a slight bit of humor to be found, due to vague internet updates, and misleading comments from other friends. "Gonna be big changes and good ones in my life", you see, followed by "Let me know if there's anything I can do to help you with the transition" led me to believe he was coming out of the closet on us. I really and truly thought he was gay for a day or two, and figured that was the reason we clicked so well. I do <3 my gay friends to death, but I kind of panicked a little at the thought of him playing for the other team, and then I subsequently felt bad about that. But a simple 'I have no idea what's going on but I'm always here for you' was adequate enough to get him to spill that he'd gotten into it with his Dad and sister and decided it was time for him and J to move out until they can get court orders to get the house back. What a mess. In the meanwhile they're living in a motel room. Oddly enough, they both seem happier than I've ever seen them when they were living at 'home'. Although I imagine paying for the room is gonna get awfully pricey after a while . . .

I have to admit though, the unrest that the possible "Frosted Flake is gay" thing caused me made me realize that I still have strong feelings for him. Fuck. If he was only my friend, the idea that he might not be into women as much as he once was shouldn't bother me. I've decided that when the opportune moment presents itself, I'm just going to go in for the kill. He may respond in a good way, or he may never speak to me again. Either way, it might just be worth it if only to have an answer. He needs to check his schedule for the weekend, but if he's not working we both agreed I'm going to scoop him up and spend at least a day in St. Augustine. I'll give him a poke if he hasn't got an answer by Thursday, but at least he didn't outright say no. There was a storyline on House M.D. for a while involving Chase's pursuit of Cameron. She kept telling him no, but he insisted on reserving Tuesday for waiting until they were alone to remind her that he liked her and would like to try a relationship with her. Corny, but hell, the writers had to get that from somewhere. I think I'll model Dr. Chase for a while, if not quite in such a forward manner - I'm just gonna keep asking this guy out until he tries at least once, goes away, or I find someone else. It's not like it'll do any major harm. In the meanwhile I'll just try not to get my hopes up too much. Although the idea of spending a two hour one-way drive plus the time on the beach, restaurants and possibly motel room alone with him is kind of terrifying. What if we run out of things to talk about? What if he doesn't take me 'going in for the kill' very well and then I'm stuck driving him home for two hours? OMG . . . Oh well.

As for my other homeless friend, Dix and I are ok again, I guess. She's stopped being so possessive and weird, although I'm still convinced she married a manchild and has some growing up to do, herself. Oddly enough she's not at all peeved or surprised that I've re-lit the torch for this whiskey soaked brat, either, and thinks my 'just grab him and find out what happens' idea is brilliant.

My nephew came back last Friday, too. I was originally gonna get him on the 20th. Then it was "I can't take this anymore, I need you to come get me this Saturday." Then I was gonna get him Friday night since I got off early, and then my Dad just said forget it and dropped off the truck when he went back to work Friday morning and kid drove himself home. He's not really clingy or showing signs of being thrilled at being back, other than asking for pizza and Mountain Dew and chocolate ice cream on his Friday, but he was calling the house four times a day while he was gone. He'd ring my cell at 8 or 9 in the morning and talk for an hour, it was ridiculous and I felt really bad for him. I took him to Deathly Hallows part II on Friday night and that was fun. Alan Rickman, you break my heart, you really do. So it's life back to normal, or at least the way it was before Nephew left in the first place, although I really must admit, it's really nice having someone a little close to my age in the house again. Someone whose interests aren't exactly like mine, but go outside the range of sitting in the house watching crime dramas for hours on end on a weekend.

So all in all, it's been a nice, if un-extraordinary week. I have my nephew back, I'm not freaked out by Dixie anymore, and to some extent, I have Kenny back. What a dysfunctional little trio they are, but I'm beginning to realize just how much they all mean to me in their own weird little ways.

Maybe I am weak. Over sympathetic. Or maybe just weak and sympathetic when it pertains to certain people. I don't about him on the forums much anymore, because everyone breathed a collective sigh of relief when I took the step to 'delete' him from my life, and bringing him up again would just be asking for ridicule. But I've let him back in again, although I'm not obsessing or bordering on stalking him this time. And I would like to state that it was all him this time, and I was merely too weak and soft-hearted to Ice Queen my way out of his life. I was trying to hurry out the door for lunch, even moreso when I realized he was working just a few feet away from where I was walking. A few days later I ended up walking outside with him to the parking lot when he left and he asked me out to lunch for payday because he missed hanging out with me. So naturally that Wednesday I found myself getting showered and dressed and driving to town on my day off, because I swore I'd never be seen with him again and all that jazz. I'm confident it was a friends-only thing because he brought his brother, J. It was nice,albeit a little weird, but J is a sweet guy and we've met before. A sweet gay guy, as I learned only recently, which kind of shocked me. Usually my gaydar is pretty darned accurate and I would have probably never suspected. Gay rednecks, they DO exist! What an oxymoron, eh? Ken goes out to the gay bar with him sometimes and says they have a really good time; I didn't even know we had a gay bar in this little hick town. The first annual pride festival is happening there right this very minute, as a matter of fact. I kind of wanted to go since half of my Voldemart buddies are sure to be there and I love them to death, but I'm having a “Can't be arsed to do ANYTHING” kind of day. I'll go sometime though, that's the second time I've been invited to a gay bar and didn't end up going. Maybe before Student Tech leaves we'll hit one up with her and her girlfriend. But in short, yeah, I've gone and let Frosted Flake back in again, the future will show if I have chosen poorly. I even yellow bellied out and went “Um, hey I accidentally deleted you from Facebook. I haven't gotten used to the new phone yet and I must have clicked something. Sorry.” It's ok if you roll your eyes. But we're just friends and I'm satisfied with that, for the most part. As sappy as it sounds, I love him too much to cut him out completely, and he is nice to be around once in a while, although he's still evasive when I tell him I need to kidnap him for a weekend at the beach or get drunk together. One day, maybe. After lunch that day I thanked him (he paid for himself and me but poor J was on his own, eliciting further confusion from me, but whatever) and he gave me a big hug. The more I think about it, it kind of was the 'opportune moment', and J probably wouldn't have felt too terribly awkward if I had grabbed his baby brother by the head and laid one on him right there, but for then, the hug was enough. There's no telling what goes on in that whiskey-soaked mind of Ken's, but sometimes I have to remember that he's got a hell of a lot of stuff to deal with besides the weird redhead in the pharmacy. Short lived statuses revealed that he's not sure what's going on right now but that he still loves everybody, and that his daughter is mad at him and he intends to make it up to her by doing something, just the two of them, this weekend. It's curious that the statements that seem to actually come from his heart and prove he's got feelings after all are the ones he goes back and deletes in the morning. He's a strange creature, that's all I can say. Most friends can be curious creatures, as I've learned. The only real issue is . . . he's invading my dreams again. Multiple times nightly. And during afternoon naps, too. Hrm. And I wake up pissed off to find it isn't real.

I recently made the decision to distance myself from my friend Dix for a while, just at least a little bit. For a few weeks, it was getting to the point where she wanted to spend every last free minute we had together, even if it meant sitting in her living room watching Tivoed episodes of dreadful reality shows or me sitting at the lunch table bored to tears while she played fucking stupid Plants Vs. Zombies on her cell phone and didn't talk to anyone. Before the manager started giving me so many opening shifts, she relied on me to pick her up from her temporary home at a friend's house and take her to work, and then back at night. Except when I got there, I always had to wait for her to finish getting dressed, even if I was later than I said I would be, or finish a cigarette, or finish a level on the damn zombie game. And the same when we left at night. I don't care if she needs a quick smoke and I appreciate her being respectful enough not to try it in my truck, but put the damn phone down, I don't like waiting around for you to plant enough plants to keep animated zombies off your imaginary lawn or catapult birds at pigs. I also spent two late nights after work that week helping her move some things from their old house (it was repossessed) into her friend's house. Then she wants me to hang around at the place after I drop her off at night, even if I have an opening shift the next day. It wasn't too bad until the time she insisted I come in the house while her friend, friend's boyfriend and all the kids were gone, and then after a few moments abruptly said “I don't mean to be rude but if Friend comes home and finds people here in the house she'll have fuzzy kittens.” What the ever-loving FUCK?! I asked repeatedly if she was sure I should be in the house when her friend wasn't there, and she said yes, and then pretty much kicks me out on my ass? And still hasn't repaid the $40 I 'lent' them for gas. I just have a hard time garnering sympathy with them about losing the house – her husband has been out of work for months because he had a mental breakdown at the prison where he worked. He didn't really try very hard to get a new job, spending most of his time playing WoW or staying online all night or watching Supernatural all day. And then she, knowing they were in financial straights, still continued to smoke some of the most expensive menthols on the market, forked out $30 a month EACH for their WoW subscriptions, went out to restaurants, and bought a $90 a month smartphone plan, plus putting out for cable TV. Come on, if it was between that crap and losing my HOME, you'd better believe I'd be downsizing my damn lifestyle! That's not mentioning the little things . . . the comments about how she sometimes wants to kill her husband, or kill Ken, because they're assholes and no one would ever find the bodies. Um . . . I know 'kill the guy that broke your heart' has been a joke and a form of support for a while, but no. And no, I will not “Tell Ken you have a girlfriend LOLOLOL”. It just started to get a little creepy, is all. She seems back to normal now, but whew. I need a few new friends, LOL. Oh, and why, praytell, is her husband an 'asshole'? Because one morning she woke up 'sick' and asked him to get her clothes out of the closet and lay them out for her, after he'd been working all night and drove an hour to get home, and he said no. Grow the fuck up, sister. I'm sure that's part of the reason I was glad to go meet Ken and J at Moe's, it was just really refreshing to sit down with people who only periodically checked their phones instead of being glued to it the whole time, or went on and on about the latest crappy thing that happened to them and bemoaned the unfairness of life. I wanted to be supportive for her, but I was starting to feel like a doormat and a romantic parter rather than a friend. I dunno, I just think things are a little messed up when it's like “Lunch with friend A? Oh gawd . . .” “Lunch with friend B, with criminal record, drinking problem, and his brother? OMG yay!”

Although I have somewhat of a dilemma . . . before I decided to cut our time together, I told Dix I would request four days off at her birthday with her so we could go to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Orlando at Universal. Then I realized, what the hell are we gonna do there for three days? To put it delicately, she is . . . too large to fit on any rides. How much butterbeer and Honeyduke's products can one consume in three days and when will that start to get boring? Fortunately it sounds like my nephew's Mom is renewing his Universal pass so he'll at least be able to go with me. I've actually thought about inviting Ken, too, but she'd probably kill me and I doubt he could afford it anyways. Eh, you never know. I might get a pass and go back down afterwards for Halloween Horror nights, he did mention wanting to do that. And again, as Barbossa would say “But I doubt it.”

Ok, in other news! My poor nephew is incredibly homesick and fed up with his other grandfather and intends to move back up here ASAP. He was going to wait until October because that would end his probation period at his new job, but he's going to try to transfer now if they'll let him, and he's let me put his application back in at my Voldemart store. The two above mentioned dysfunctional friends both told me that no less that thirty people were fired last week, I'm sure they'll need replacing! Even if he doesn't transfer or get hired at my store, he's probably going to put in his two weeks noticed and come back down. I'm pretty darn thrilled. Not about the people getting fired, but about nephew coming back. For as much as I bitched about him and argued with him and called him a dumbass, it's been a really dull two months around here without him. I miss seeing movies with him and doing fun stuff with him and his friends. I haven't been to the beach or springs since he left because everyone is always busy and I can never get Ken to go with me, either. Nephew hasn't gotten to see the new Potter movie yet because his grandfather won't take him and he can't get a friend from work to take him, either. His grandfather gets mad if he even buys a six pack of soda because “ZOMG you're supposed to be saaaaaviiiiing your monnnneeeeeyz!” It just sounds perfectly miserable and the old man sounds like a real asshole. He says he talks and texts too much. Uh, hello? What else is he supposed to do all day in a senior retirement community in a house with no door on his bedroom? I don't know why he invited him down there to live if he was gonna be like this. He's also been bitching he can't have 'female company' over with nephew there. What the fuck he's 70, I don't even wanna think about that. Anywho I've told Nephew just to let me know and I can come get him in a pinch if I have the day off, but I also told him to give notice and not just up and quit his job like I've done. Honestly I really can't wait until I get that call or text letting me know he's ready for me to drive down there and get him. When I do I'll see if I can scoop up his best friend to bring along as a surprise. And then I WILL find a theater that's still playing Deathly Hallows Part II and we WILL go see it! Mind, Mom did take me, but I feel so bad for him. He can't not see it, that would just be mean.

Work is work, although I'm realizing how funny Student is and just how much I'm gonna flipping miss her after she's left for college. Most of the time I and others end up laughing until we cry, it's because of some bizarre conversation we had and her contributions to it. A memorable one from Friday is when I told her and several others “Listen you guys, if I EVER get like that nasty old bat at my counter right now when I'm old, you all have my full permission to push my wheelchair off a cliff!” She went into a full blown and animated tirade about how they could take me to the Grand Canyon and go “Ooops, she musta got too close to the edge and caught her wheel on a rock. Man, we ain't gonna miss that tired old nasty thing.”

And now for some snippets of stupidity we dealt with the past few weeks dealing with the general public.

1. Ms. Tardy is habitually late, but Friday, the guest pharmacist, who is pregnant, called her before her shift started and asked could she please clock in, go to McDonald's, and get her a large sweet tea. Twenty minutes after ten, t shows up, Tea in hand. “Sorry it took me so long. The guy in front of me went up to the counter and said he didn't know what he wanted. Well, he knew what he wanted but he didn't know what it was called. 'The thing with apples.' After about five minutes they figured it out. He wanted apple pie.”

Me: “It took two people five minutes to figure out that 'the thing with apples' was apple pie?!”

“No, it took THREE people five minutes to figure that out. The stupid customer and two employees.”

Stay in school, kids!

2. From yesterday. (and the real tradgedy? I wasn't even supposed to be there. I swapped out with Shorty because she needed the day off)

Me: “Date of birth?”

Customer: “555-123-4567”

And again. Different moron this time, but moron just the same.

Me: “Date of birth?”

C: “567 Southwest Blah Street”

Die in a fire.

This is for all the people who:

Know the pharmacy opens at 9AM and will show up at the store EVERY Saturday without fail and get in line five minutes before we open.

See the sign out that says “The Pharmacy will be closed from 1:30 – 2:00 PM for lunch. Thank you” and insist on piling into line at 1:20 – 1:25 despite the five people already standing there. You stupid fuckers.

The people who see the sign after we've already closed down for lunch, and wait around for us to come back at 2 (or after, seeing as how the pharmacist kind of, you know, needs to eat) and then proceed to huff and puff and roll your eyes at us and thank us for making you wait. It's thirty lousy minutes out of our TEN hour Saturday. See how you feel after having that little of time to swallow some lunch and drink a soda.

Pile into line 5-10 minutes before close, again, despite the cluster of people already in front of you.

All of you? Get a life. Seriously, get one. We are open 70 + hours a week and you have to pick open and close times to run in here and fill that scrip you've been holding onto since JANURARY! This even pisses off the pharmacy manager, and he's one of the most laid back people I know, it takes a lot to get him visibly annoyed.

That's about all for now. It'll be a week or two until I have two consecutive days off again, since I swapped half a weekend with Shorty, but she swapped with me a while back when I needed her to, so it's all fair. I wish I didn't keep accumulating these customer stories to put here, but alas . . .

C'est la vie.

It's something I said, or someone I know. Or you called me up, maybe I wasn't home . . .

I've been mostly good. Mostly. It's had its moments, certainly, but it's not all gloom and dark clouds like I feared it would be. I've actually gotten to the point where I'm incredibly open to the idea of finding someone else, and I'm actually ready this time, instead of brooding on what I can't have. Although I won't pretend that part of me doesn't still say, to put it bluntly - "Ken, Y U NO STOP FUCKING UP UR LIFE?!"

Let's talk about work for a while, to change things up, eh? Don't worry, there's more personal shens to be had in this post. One of the other cashiers in pharmacy is, to put it frankly, driving us all out of our fucking minds. She's constantly late, takes forever to do things that me and Shorty could do in 1/2 the time, by ourselves or together, and will do almost anything to avoid being on the register, I swear it's like trying to get blood from a rock. I guess since she's a certified tech, she thinks that she should be back doing tech work instead of cashiering, but she is NOT a tech, it's not her job description. So I really wish she'd get her ass out from behind the pharmacy counter and out there where me and Shorty spend the better part of our days. Even if Shorty or I have started a project because we open on a particular day, Tardy will stealthily make sure she takes over it while we're on the register and leaves us stuck there. Then she'll fart around answering the telephone or 'troubleshooting' stuff on the computers, pissing off literally everyone. Now, as a person outside of work, she's alright and I like her, but working with her is putting a serious chip on my shoulder, I don't care if she's been there for almost two years. She usually was on the 9-6 schedule all the time and then Shorty and I noticed that we were both getting a lot of those shifts with Tardy getting our closing ones. Turns out, this was by request from several technicians who were pleased when either of us opened on Tardy's days off and found we actually showed up on time and did our damn job, and efficiently too, I might add. Of course she's ticked off and can't figure out why the manager is giving her 'weird' schedules, even though he has spoken with her about the tardiness in the past. And the 20 minute bathroom breaks. And being gone on a 15 minute break for half an hour. And the 80 minute lunches. And the calling out sick all the time. Come on now, me and Shorty have lives outside work, too, and we'll cover because we don't want everyone to suffer, but it really does get old fast. One of our technicians has been accepted into pharmacy school (OMG YAY! We're incredibly proud of her and she and her humor and good attitude will be sorely missed). Tardy is convinced that the position will go to her, even though one opened last year and the manager decided to hire an older guy over from another department instead. An older guy with no experience, but a certificate. Hmm. There's talk of:

A tech from another store wanting to transfer here because they're moving

A pharmacy student/intern that is friends with Raj, one of our pharmacist, who is really interested as well and who Raj thinks would be a great fit with us, and

D, another tech, said she'd be thrilled if I got Student's old job after she leaves, although since I have no certification or anything, this is really doubtful. Flattering though.

But either way you slice it, it doesn't look like Tardy is being considered for the job at all, and if our manager has any kind of good sense he will NOT give it to her. Absent techs hurt us, really bad, and I doubt her behavior would change if she changed positions. All I can say is, once that job is filled and she doesn't get it, shit will hit the fan, to be sure. She'll either quit out of anger or let her behavior get so bad that poor manager will be forced to terminate. I do plan on speaking to him tomorrow if I can though, I'm tired of doing the work of two people when there's no reason for me not to. FFS, I was a few minutes late leaving tonight because she decided to run behind the counter and grab the telephones, letting me get tied up with a customer who had a tricky order and questions. Not to mention what she pulled Tuesday, not telling me she had an appointment so I could go to lunch and be back in time for her to leave. Normally its not a big deal if opening cashier stays a few minutes late and I figured no big deal. But when I got back, she was gone and poor old guy tech was on the register pissed off to high heavens because she waited until five minutes to six to tell everyone she had an appointment, meaning he got stuck covering until I got back, and I felt bad. She had ALL day to tell me that and didn't, instead she was more concerned she got all her entitled breaks. Which, btw . . . hardly any of us take our breaks, ever. And she doesn't smoke so that's not an excuse either. Gah. Oh well, just had to get that out!

Ready for more personal crap? Yes? Yay! Like I said, it's been mostly good. As a matter of fact, there's a guy who manages at the Moe's Southwestern Grill where Dix has gotten me frequenting a lot, and I'm starting to think he might be interested. Or he could just be friendly. he was in the store a few weeks ago and made sure I knew he was there and stopped to talk for a little bit. I went in last week and I'm fairly sure he was blatantly staring at me from behind the counter while I was eating. Today I go in and he's chatty, as usual, and pretending to throw things at me. "Imaginary black olives," he said. Joke being, I always want olives on my burrito which makes Dix and Ken (he used to come with us) literally gag, and it's funny. Then he picked up a REAL black olive and chucked it right at me. Then he tried hanging onto my food after I'd paid and we got into a slight tug of war with it. Maybe we've just built up a really nice customer/service type rapport, but I have to say that's the only place I frequent where an employee threw food at me and I thought it was hilarious. Actually it's the only place I've ever had food thrown at me, to be honest. I just don't wanna read into things too much again after the whole other thing. And if it does look like a prospect, the first thing I'm gonna do is run a criminal background check! ;-)

Speaking of the criminal . . . oh my giddy gawd it appears that dipshit has sobered up and remembered I exist. Last week he tried getting in my way while we passed each other down an aisle (and believe me I tried to avoid him) so I bodyslammed him as hard as I could. It would have been totally satisfying had he not seemed to enjoy it. I honestly think I could throw him down and beat or whip him to my heart's content and he'd jizz himself. Weirdo. Tuesday I had to pick Dix up and we ended up getting there early. She wanted a smoke before work so we sat down, thankfully away from him, but he came over and sat with us and tried making conversation and asked when I'd gotten the new phone. Tried to keep it short and not too sweet. Today I'm attempting to walk out the door for lunch (to get olives thrown at me, apparently) and he flagged me down and waved me over. Argh.

"So did you get a new number with the new phone?"

"Yeah."

O__O "Then WHO have I been sending messages to?! [sad5]"

"Oh my god . . . my Mom. She has that line now."

Although I was kind enough to let him know she had all those features blocked before he started to flip out too badly, and that she probably never saw the messages.He's frightened of my Mom, for some reason. All 4-foot 10 3/4 inches of her. He assured me he didn't send anything off-color, but he was still freaked out.

"I sent you the number a month ago, you were probably drunk off your ass. I sent you the picture of the Ho-Sauce, too."

"Ohhhhh, so that's who that was, it was you! I kept sending messages to your old number and I was wondering why you weren't answering back!"

He's a smart one, ain't he, folks? Let this be a lesson to you all that excessive alcohol consumption does indeed kill brain cells. He went on to tell me he wants to come have lunch with me again and even that his 1-10 shift is on the 27th and if I'm closing that day he wants to do lunch hour then, too. And that I need to come on one of his river trips with him but that I should be warned, last time they all got really drunk and ended up skinny dipping in the dark. What the fuck, man. Once he realized I was the person who sent him the 'mysterious' messages and pictures of Ho-Made bbq sauce (Yes, this does exist, look it up!), he was all happy and said now he could text me again and that he'd let me know when he was going to the river next because he really needs to ditch his other friend who always wants money. What is this I don't even . . . wow. The worst part is I'm not sure I still wouldn't go with him, for all that I've said. Although the prospect of his friends scares me, they seem like a bunch of wild shits. Him I'm ok with. Them? Not too sure now. I kind of wish he'd just kept on acting like I didn't exist, because I know I can do better.

In other news, I reached a slight milestone last weekend. I went to Dixie's house where there was a copious amount of Red Bulls and a 750ml bottle of Jagermeister waiting, and between the two of us, it was gone within a couple of hours, maybe less. Her husband decided to just sip on rum instead of getting smashed up. I would have done alright if I hadn't laid down in the back of her pickup truck, I think. The effort of sitting up made me kind of sick, but I felt better afterwards. To anyone who said I'd be a damn mean drunk, nya nya. To anyone who said I'd be a fucking hilarious drunk, you win. I think my conversation wavered between "LOOK, STARS. They're MOVING!" to "Kenny is a deadbeat and probably has every disease known to man" to "I would fuck Barbossa if he were a real person. And Will. At the same time." Then I passed out watching Robot Chicken. Fun times, although I still think getting drunk is overrated. And from what I heard, I bet for damn sure I could drink my friend Kenny under a table.

Anywho . . . those are my musings for now. Maybe I should frequent Moe's even more often than I already do. Otherwise I fear I'll end up with a bloodstream full of vodka naked in the river with a criminal.

Baby, I have no story to be told

. . . but I've heard one on you and I'm gonna make your head burn

The final straw has been discovered, and while I did not confront Ken (The Pippy persona gets dropped here, he's not good enough for it anymore) with my feelings. I now have a reason to hate him. Last night I had a slight head explosion when I read "anybody got any ideas for babby girl names also anybody have 3 mos support." What in the ever loving FUCK, dude? He deleted it after he was barraged with floods of comments asking if he was having another kid, so I guess no one ever found out what that retarded statement truly meant, but if it's as transparent as he is stupid, it's horrible news. I hope for the hypothetical child's sake that it's absolutely untrue, because no one, no one deserves to have a father like Ken. Also pity the poor bitch who screwed him without protection, because she's in for a real 'treat', no doubt. Then this morning I woke up to find the 'babby' status deleted and replaced with "Damn near went to jail last night thank god for good ol' boy country cops who know who people are." I for one am not thankful for 'good ol boy' cops. I have no idea what this fucker did THIS TIME, but his stupid ass should have been hauled straight off to jail. He's had too many chances. From the law, from me, from his other friends who gave up on him. He learned nothing. God help him, if I find out he's been driving drunk or endangering people in any other way with his stupidity, I will rip his testicles off, coat them in barbecue sauce, and force feed them to him with a hot poker. I should have listened to those weird feelings I got inside me last year when I first found out he was a fucking criminal; I was scared, and for a while was really uneasy being around him. I should never, never have pushed those feelings away and tried to fix him, to love him, to even think about "If you can't beat him, join him." The only person Ken cares about is Ken, and he doesn't care who he has to push, shove, or mow down out of his way to entertain himself. He's become a complete and utterly different person since getting rid of the anklet, and that person kind of makes me want to throw up, though I can't pinpoint exactly why. He hasn't even had eye contact with me in two weeks, and I'd be very happy at this point if it stays that way forever. He's the kind of person who is going to have to hit absolute rock bottom before he straightens out, if he ever does. Something horrible is going to have to happen to him or someone he cares about (if he's capable of caring about anyone at all), before he gets the shock that he needs to stop being a dickhole, put down the liquor an have a nice tall glass of Grow the Fuck Up instead.

So you go ahead and keep on flirting with the law, you worthless redneck shithead. Do it again, and do it soon, and hopefully next time my friend Steve or Robert will be the arresting officer and they have low tolerances for stupidity. Keep on publicly whining about how much you hate being at work and piss off your entire department. You'll show up drunk and hungover one too many times and eventually they will have had enough of it, no matter how much T might like you. Although I'd really rather you didn't lose your job and end up on welfare, because I certainly don't want my tax dollars funding your shens. You had over a year. A year to be a decent person, who couldn't go too terribly wild. You made dozens of friends at Volde-Mart who really like and care about you, now watch as many of them, I'm sure, will drop you like the nasty habit you are because they can't stand your hijinks anymore. Or maybe it's just me. You really, really scare me now and I can't help but be incredibly grateful for the fact that you never found out where I live and you don't know I'll be alone for the next 9 days. I loved the person I knew from last May to this one, but maybe he never really existed and it was all one big elaborate act. He was a great guy, despite his flaws. But the person he turned into is a literal nightmare. Maybe you were always like this. But either way, we're through. Your phone number is gone, the pictures of you on my phone are deleted, and thank the powers I'll never read another one of your drunk updates that sadden me and make me worry myself sick again, only to find it mysteriously gone in the morning. Kindly go burn in hell, just make sure you don't drag any innocent people with you. Have a nice life.

Circles

No beginning, no end, they just keep going round and round. Sometimes I feel like my life, as well as the way I write here, goes in circles, although technically it did begin somewhere. I'm feeling very anti-Produce Man at the moment. He had his anklet removed Thursday and for the four days following, kept a steady flow of pictures going as well as the occasional status containing the words 'wild night', 'hot tub', 'fake tits' and 'biting'. On one hand I seethed with jealousy and distaste, but the pictures of him out and about (he didn't share the fake tits, thankfully), looking happier than I've ever seen him, made me a little squeeish inside. He was obviously happy and it made me giddy, too; even if I didn't approve of everything he was doing, I was glad he was having a good time. But this was also the telling point of a lot of things for me, the way I see it. Before, I figured he didn't want to talk much, didn't want to have me over, because, well, I'd see the bracelet. Now? Now there's really no excuse. I texted him to give him my new phone number, he never responded. I asked when he was coming back to work because it wasn't the same without him there, and he never responded. He did, however, respond, when I sent him a picture of "Ho-Made BBQ Sauce" that was sitting on a store shelf. The fucker just doesn't contact me. The first place he went after he got loose? Well, some nasty place with his brother in law. Then his sister's river place. Not that he gets in the water or boats. He just drinks and fishes and then drinks some more. Then he hit a bar. And another, and probably another. Got up for work early this morning and lamented the fact he couldn't have anymore shots because he had to work. Got home from work and mused how much he can't wait for another day of laying around drinking cold ones. And maybe hang out with a guy friend and some booze and fishing poles.

I saw him when I walked in today, but he had his back to me and I didn't bother approaching him. He doesn't contact me, he doesn't respond to me. I don't know if he's still hung up on this bullpuckey about 'corrupting' me, in which case he needs soundly smacked upside the head with a sparkly purple strap on, or if he really does think I'm that pathetic and undesirable and to be left in the 'friends at work only' category. Either way, I'm fairly fed up with it. FFS, he's so stupid. I've come to the conclusion that there will never be anything meaningful between us, but at this point I really and truly just want to have fun with him. Mind, I think he drinks too much, but I'd still not be opposed to getting wasted with him on a weekend. Benefits? I think yes, unless he's got something nasty he picked up from a fucking prostitute.

I try, and I try, and I try. I work and scheme so hard to get his attention, to find things to do with him, and I'm forever ignored, or he says yes and has no intentions of following through whatsoever. Why? Because he's a yes-man and doesn't know how to turn people down. He's always said yes. It made him a father at 17. And then again at 24, thinking it would be different, but at least he got his trophy son. "Hey, Pip, traffic these pills for me?" Well, that one landed him in jail. "You want the 5-2 shift even though you'll bitch endlessly about it?" Yes to that as well. From reading FB, I understand he blew off plans with some other coworkers Friday night as well, and claimed he got lost. How in the hell do you get lost with a designated driver in a town you've never left? You just drink and you drink and you drink and hang out with the bottom feeders of the community and worship the ground they piss on. Beer and fishing and fake tits, I get it. I'm books and movies and very slightly games with the occasional vodka and Jager thrown in. I don't MIX the two at once, obviously. We just wouldn't work together because we come from such different worlds. But I do know how to have fun, and he won't give me that chance and it pisses me off more than words can communicate. It's so hard to stop caring about someone, because I won't deny I have feelings for him, and I do love him, in however a strange and blind way. But if I didn't, none of this would bother me as much as it does. I wish I could have seen him for what he was when I first met him; I thought he was a straight-laced good ol' boy, clean and chivalrous and a gentleman. Then he showed a little of his cheek and I liked that, too. I know he's not and never will be the clean cut man I took him for, but it's hard to tell that to the part of you that loves unconditionally. In years past, I've had two men, who started as customers at places I worked, pursue me. Persistently. While I wouldn't touch either of them with a pole, I have to admire their perseverance. Coming through my checkout line or waiting at the front door of the store over, and over, and OVER. Pip only has me when I'm convenient to be there and he doesn't have any other plans. He was on fucking house/work arrest and was probably only so eager to hop in with me and go to food joints because it was literally the only chance he had of getting out without getting in trouble. He doesn't need me anymore, and that hurts. Then I remember that he has said we will do stuff this summer, but I don't think he'll follow through, and that hurts, too. Given the examples of them men I mentioned earlier, I have to concede, that if he were interested, then goddammit, he'd be after me, wouldn't he? I don't know what's wrong with him. Maybe he'll settle down in a few weeks once the shiny newness of his rediscovered freedom wears off and he'll go back to being the same stupid, lovable idiot I used to go to lunch with. Maybe he won't. But if his behavior this past week is any indicator of the 'real' person that he is, then well, I have to say I liked him a lot better while he was on house arrest if being a free citizen turns him into a redneck douchebag. Sometimes I've even wished he'd do something really stupid so he'd land his sorry rear back in jail and I wouldn't have to see him anymore.

The cycle keeps repeating, and I'm tired of it. I fall for him, he does something to make me think we at least have a chance at a fun friendship, that he really does care about me as a person, and then he'll grow cold, ignore me, I ignore him back, get pissed off at him, and start to fall out of love. I'll be nearly done with him, able to walk past him without the urge to go visit him or poke his arm, like this morning. And then sooner or later he gets real friendly again and my hopes soar once more, everyone comments on my quirky or unusually good mood, and Raj the Pharmacist will ask me if I've been swallowing Zoloft. I really hope I don't do this again, but I have a feeling it'll happen at least one more time before this whole crappy situation comes to a head and the pus of angst and bad feelings and broken hearts goes kablooey all over the place. I guess the most logical (notice I refuse to say 'easiest') thing to do would be to sit him down and have a heart to heart, to let him know how I feel about him. Okay, maybe not the "I know what you've done. I know what kind of a person you are and I love you anyways. I've loved you for the past year" thing, but the "Hey, you are a GREAT person and I think you're a lot of fun and I think we should have some no strings attached, weekend fun. We'll be as bad or as good as you like, and you can get as wild and lewd as you want. I also find you incredibly sexually attractive." If he's pleased, great, if he rejects me, that's possibly even better because at least then I'd have a straight answer and, be it right or not, a reason to hate him.

Jesus is my virtue, but Judas is the demon I cling to

Gaga is still making sense, HALP. It all goes back to my upbringing again. All my life I believe that drinking and sex were wrong. Well, sex outside of marriage, at least. And now I find the larger part of myself not caring and wanting to go there. Memorial day weekend I packed up car soap, sponges and a brush, picked up a six pack of Smirnoff Green Apple and went to Dixie and her husband's place where the three of us washed our trucks together and got progressively more inebriated as the night wore on. Mind, they know I'm an alcohol novice and kept a close eye on me so I wouldn't become an idiot or spend half the night hugging a toilet. I think mostly we ended up in front of YouTube or the TV or playing Xbox and then watching my Big Bang Theory DVDs until about 2 in the morning. In short, I had a pretty good time and intend on doing it again, even if I . . . I do feel incredibly guilty about it.

Then there's the part of me that really wants to just go ahead and lose the virginity. Not just for the hell of losing it, but . . . you know? Hopefully I'm making sense here. I don't see myself getting married anytime soon, so why not have fun? Pippin has incredibly loose morals, borders on alcoholism, and to put it bluntly just doesn't give a shit. I'm not sure he'll ever settle down or want something exclusive and somehow I'm ok with that and I still want him. We already get along and he's just THERE and single and has a drawer full of condoms sitting around collecting dust. (Dear god, what can I say, I have some weird-ass conversations with my coworkers) He spends most of his free time hosting liquor parties and getting up to all sorts of inappropriate hijinks, and while that once and still does annoy me to some extent, it makes him easy. Listen to me, I mean . . . it makes him easy?! But honestly, the idea of getting him just a little drunk and seeing if being under the influence will make him let me have my way with him has occupied my mind a lot as of late. Getting straight to the point, I seem to have decided that if I can't have him for a boyfriend, I want benefits between us. Like I said, I just wasn't raised to think or behave like this and it's frightening and empowering at the same time to just embrace it, and my biggest fear is the risk of getting pregnant rather than what my family would think. It's gotten to the point where I think Mom knows that I get up to stuff she wouldn't approve of. But all she says now is “Any kind of drinking, partying, going to jail . . . if it happens, I don't want to know. Just DON'T come home drunk and don't expect me to bail you out. But really, I just don't want to know.” What she'd say or do (since I live at home rent free) if I ever succeeded in my plan to seduce my friend I don't know, but I plan on doing my damndest if I can manage it. I keep making comments at him about taking him away or kidnapping him for the weekend and he'll somewhat reluctantly agree that we could try going to the river or something like that and then follow it up with “But I don't wanna corrupt you.” Ah, there it is again. Do I really come across as that innocent? Even when I was a church mouse, the guys, and girls, for that matter, would treat me like I was the innocent little baby sister and I hated it. I kind of thought Pips was different in that he doesn't stop himself from having lewd conversations with me or while I'm in earshot, but I guess it still nags at him like it did all those members of the contemporary Christian band years and years ago. Pip honey, my mind is a fucking cesspool and honestly I think a little corrupting would do me some good at this point. I don't wanna end up that lady who lives with dozens of animals (oh god, I'm already halfway there!) and dresses her dogs up in clothes. Although I have to say two of my friends in the pharmacy do this and they're wonderful gals. Married though. Let's just say I don't wanna end up a 60 year old virgin who dresses up her dogs. I know you're a nasty horny little bastard and our conversations have gotten more 'comfortable' and dirty over the past few months. I know you were a little drunk when we had the whips and cuffs talk and you said you like to be punished, but you were sober as a judge when you made that comment about the quiet ones being the ones you had to watch for, and 'damn I bet Shiny's a freak, aren't you?' and I haven't forgotten. That tells me your mind WENT THERE, at least once. Your mind might be wrapped around me a little better than I thought, but gods please don't be afraid to 'corrupt' me, although that's sweet of you to be cautious. I'm not sure how you can be such a gentleman and such an immoral bastard at the same time, but I love it. If someone pulled Sawyer and Charlie out of LOST and combined the characters, well, they'd have you.

Sorry for the frankness of my post tonight, but I want to be 'corrupted' as everyone jokes about me. I want this man to corrupt the hell out of me and I wonder if he'd be willing to teach me everything he knows if he found out just how inexperienced I am, if he hasn't already realized it.

Yes, I blame Lady Gaga.