Friday, May 20, 2011

Ah, sweet music

Back in October, I was listening to this with my head in the clouds. It was a good feeling.

Now I can't stop listening to this.

While the lyrics fit almost exactly, except for the first kiss part, since I never had one, it's not such a good feeling. Sometimes I sing it out loud, alone or with a friend, and it's freeing. Other times I sit and listen and cry quietly. It comes back in waves; I think that I'm over him, and then it all comes back again. Maybe weaker each time, but it comes back nonetheless, and I hate it. I never really got over the drummer from church until I met Pippin. And now? Now I have to wait for the next guy to come along and give me butterflies before I'm over this one? I wish I didn't feel the need to be validated by a member of the opposite sex, that I could just be happy with the friends I have. I saw him this morning and he waved. He waved, and that was it, he kept on walking where once he would have stopped and kept my attention for as long as possible. He used to come to the pharmacy and pretend to be a problem customer, or walk up to the drop off window and give Dixie a long, detailed, and hopefully fabricated story about a horrible fungus rash in his groin. And then he used to come by at lunchtime and harass me until I left with him. Why? Why did he stop? No rhyme, no reason, and I wish I understood why; it hurts, and I really wish I could just stop thinking about it, trying to figure out what happened for things to get so cold between us.

Maybe it was just me getting my response from him. I said I'd start to come on a little stronger, invade his personal space, touch him and try to cuddle on him. I did, and now he's pretty much gone. Someone I used to spend every possible free minute with, have lunch with three or more times a week, is now nothing more than an acquaintance. How sad. I'm kind of pathetic, and there's nothing I can do about it. We've seen it in TV shows and in movies countless times; there's this one poor man or woman who is a complete sap, completely and utterly smitten with someone who probably couldn't care less about them, the classic story of unrequited love that unfolds as the person's friends look on in pity, constantly trying to snap them out of it. But life isn't like the movies, not all the time. But I still hope I find my happy ending, in myself or in someone who really is worth my time.

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