Saturday, October 2, 2010

Laugh It Up, Fuzzball

Whoa, a post two days in a row! I can't help it, we had so much awesome today. Actually I spent most of the day laughing, but that's a good thing. First things first. I was putting more bags on my carousel, when I noticed a hunk of plastic layers that looked like they didn't get to become bags, for some reason. It was kind of squarish with two points at the top, so I took my sharpie out and drew a cat face on it. Most of the CSMs thought it was clever and cute, but Jon, the zone manager for the front end, flat out cracked up laughing and agreed with me when I admitted to being easily amused. I paper-clipped it to the cubicle at register 24, I can't wait to see if it's still there tomorrow. And now, on to those crazy people who sign my paycheck, our valued Volde-Mart customers!

T-Shirt Man and Random Drug Addict

A few months ago, one of our loonier customers let me know he was still shopping with us. He scared me years ago when I worked here before, and he's still weird. He likes to write on white t-shirts with fabric paint, and it's always weird crap. The one I see the most is "HEAVEN: Even my dogs r goin there. RU?" He used to go on about things he'd prophesied and it was way out there stuff, like UFOs and that kind of thing. Fortunately he doesn't talk much these days. But the last time he came through my line, he purchased sewer tubing, duct tape, and a huge roll of dark carpet. Oh my gawd. Co-workers I related this story to jokingly scolded me for being foolish enough to touch these items when I rang them up. "Now your prints are on it!" Oh dear. Anyways, I was headed to the associate lounge to grab a soda before I went outside on break this morning and I notice a shopping cart parked outside the back restrooms. It has a blanket and a motorcycle helmet in it. "Oh no" I think. And sure enough, he came out of the men's room just as I was walking by. He had a new shirt on. Both sides read "My Enemies are Poppy Seeds". Leave, Shiny, just keep walking. He'll probably get mad if you laugh at him like you really want to right now, and you'll end up being the creamy, redheaded filling inside that next roll of carpet he buys. I can't communicate to you exactly how much this made my day. Poppy seeds . . . heh. I just had to tell someone. Before I went out, I got Pip's attention by placing my cold soda on the back of his neck and told him about T-Shirt man- he loves hearing about my 'crazies' as he calls these . . . special kinds of customers that always seem to find me. He laughed and said he'd be outside in a minute for break, since we came in at the same time, so I went out there and waited. And waited. Hmm, it's not like him to be late for break of all things. As it turned out, he was obtaining a story of his own. He was walking past the meat department on his way to the lounge when a woman jumped out in front of him, waving her arms.

Crazy: "Excuse me. EXCUSE ME! Can you help me?! You work here!?" He's not sure if that was a question or a statement.

Pip: "Yes ma'am?"

Crazy: "Right here, here where we're standing . . . there used to be a table here."

Pip: " . . . Yes ma'am?"

Crazy: "Well, it had pepperoni and sausages and crackers and *insert random deli tray type items* and now it's gone. Where is the table and where is all that stuff?"

Pip: "Well ma'am I don't know, if the table was here - "

Crazy: "Yes, yes, right. Here. RIGHT where we're standing."

Pip: "I dunno where it is now but I can ask someone."

Which he did. He discovered from someone in grocery that the table with that stuff on it hadn't been out in weeks, maybe months, and the stuff was in various parts of the store now. He came back and told this to Crazy, who lamented that this was all really hard.

Crazy: "Ok then, what about vegetable trays? It's for a little girl's birthday party!"

Pip: "Those would be in Produce - "

Crazy: "No, they're not. All they have over there is fruit. Come ON, it's for a FOOTBALL party!"

Pip: " . . . . "

I'm sure he wanted to introduce his head to a hard surface at this point, but he battled on. It's at moments like these where Volde-Mart employees like myself, him, and a few select others are labeled as having the patience of saints. I dunno how we manage it.

Pip: "Ma'am, I promise you, if you go to produce, there will be somebody over there that can help you."

Crazy: "You're SURE?"

Pip: "Yes ma'am, I'm very sure."

I love how he conveniently failed to let her in on the fact that he worked in that department himself. I would have loved to see the look on his face when she argued with him that there were no vegetables in the produce department. She should take that theory up with Poppy Seed Guy, I bet they'd get on really well. Pip says he's pretty sure this lady was jacked up on something, with all the weird questions and waving her arms around at him and such. And he was still confused as to whether it was a party for a little girls birthday party or for a football game. I told him it's obviously for a little girl's football party, doesn't he know anything. He says either way, it's not any party he'd let his kids go to.

Employee Karma

Ever see the employee of a store drop something so that it breaks, shatters, and spews product everywhere? Two lovely people I shall call Sue and Sheldon (because he looks like a weird cross between Sheldon Cooper and Dr. Taub from House) were stocking an aisle, and accidentally dropped some mayonnaise, prompting a nearby customer to laugh himself silly while pointing at them. Mayo splattered for several feet, on them, on other product, on the floor. They failed to inform the customer that a good amount of mayo had also splattered over the front of his shorts, and he ended up walking around the store, oblivious to huge blobs of mysterious white goo sticking to his front, for about half an hour. Apparently he noticed when he went into the bathroom and saw himself in the mirror, but was a good enough sport to still find it amusing and relay the story to one of our maintenance guys. Everyone is just sorry that no one had a camera handy so they could submit his picture to

This concludes my daily memoir of hilarious events at the 'Mart. I found them amusing anyways, and I'm still giggling about poppy seeds. ENEMIES!

And now, the personal junk

Wanna know how much of a bitch I am? At least I feel this qualifies me, anyways. I was sitting by the time clock with Pippy this morning, waiting for 9 o' clock to roll around, since we both got there ridiculously early, and he mentioned that he saw D yesterday. Said she told him she's seriously thinking about moving back down south, since her kids and grandson are down there. I nodded and agreed with him when he said it made sense. I consider D to be a friend of mine. And yet when he's telling me this, all I'm thinking inside is "Oh woohoo, if she moves away she won't be 'competition' for me anymore and I'll have Pippy all to myself. Then there won't be the big awkwardness if I end up dating him knowing full well before hand that she really likes him."

^ Is that frikkin' awful of me or what? Not that this guy actually acts like he'd be interested in either of us as more than friends, but I still get pissed off and jealous when I see her talking to him and I have no reason to, just because I know she likes him and I find that threatening. Not that I'd actually act on those feelings and start a catfight or anything, but still, I'm telling myself 'One down. Pathway clearer.' Yikes.

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