Circles

No beginning, no end, they just keep going round and round. Sometimes I feel like my life, as well as the way I write here, goes in circles, although technically it did begin somewhere. I'm feeling very anti-Produce Man at the moment. He had his anklet removed Thursday and for the four days following, kept a steady flow of pictures going as well as the occasional status containing the words 'wild night', 'hot tub', 'fake tits' and 'biting'. On one hand I seethed with jealousy and distaste, but the pictures of him out and about (he didn't share the fake tits, thankfully), looking happier than I've ever seen him, made me a little squeeish inside. He was obviously happy and it made me giddy, too; even if I didn't approve of everything he was doing, I was glad he was having a good time. But this was also the telling point of a lot of things for me, the way I see it. Before, I figured he didn't want to talk much, didn't want to have me over, because, well, I'd see the bracelet. Now? Now there's really no excuse. I texted him to give him my new phone number, he never responded. I asked when he was coming back to work because it wasn't the same without him there, and he never responded. He did, however, respond, when I sent him a picture of "Ho-Made BBQ Sauce" that was sitting on a store shelf. The fucker just doesn't contact me. The first place he went after he got loose? Well, some nasty place with his brother in law. Then his sister's river place. Not that he gets in the water or boats. He just drinks and fishes and then drinks some more. Then he hit a bar. And another, and probably another. Got up for work early this morning and lamented the fact he couldn't have anymore shots because he had to work. Got home from work and mused how much he can't wait for another day of laying around drinking cold ones. And maybe hang out with a guy friend and some booze and fishing poles.

I saw him when I walked in today, but he had his back to me and I didn't bother approaching him. He doesn't contact me, he doesn't respond to me. I don't know if he's still hung up on this bullpuckey about 'corrupting' me, in which case he needs soundly smacked upside the head with a sparkly purple strap on, or if he really does think I'm that pathetic and undesirable and to be left in the 'friends at work only' category. Either way, I'm fairly fed up with it. FFS, he's so stupid. I've come to the conclusion that there will never be anything meaningful between us, but at this point I really and truly just want to have fun with him. Mind, I think he drinks too much, but I'd still not be opposed to getting wasted with him on a weekend. Benefits? I think yes, unless he's got something nasty he picked up from a fucking prostitute.

I try, and I try, and I try. I work and scheme so hard to get his attention, to find things to do with him, and I'm forever ignored, or he says yes and has no intentions of following through whatsoever. Why? Because he's a yes-man and doesn't know how to turn people down. He's always said yes. It made him a father at 17. And then again at 24, thinking it would be different, but at least he got his trophy son. "Hey, Pip, traffic these pills for me?" Well, that one landed him in jail. "You want the 5-2 shift even though you'll bitch endlessly about it?" Yes to that as well. From reading FB, I understand he blew off plans with some other coworkers Friday night as well, and claimed he got lost. How in the hell do you get lost with a designated driver in a town you've never left? You just drink and you drink and you drink and hang out with the bottom feeders of the community and worship the ground they piss on. Beer and fishing and fake tits, I get it. I'm books and movies and very slightly games with the occasional vodka and Jager thrown in. I don't MIX the two at once, obviously. We just wouldn't work together because we come from such different worlds. But I do know how to have fun, and he won't give me that chance and it pisses me off more than words can communicate. It's so hard to stop caring about someone, because I won't deny I have feelings for him, and I do love him, in however a strange and blind way. But if I didn't, none of this would bother me as much as it does. I wish I could have seen him for what he was when I first met him; I thought he was a straight-laced good ol' boy, clean and chivalrous and a gentleman. Then he showed a little of his cheek and I liked that, too. I know he's not and never will be the clean cut man I took him for, but it's hard to tell that to the part of you that loves unconditionally. In years past, I've had two men, who started as customers at places I worked, pursue me. Persistently. While I wouldn't touch either of them with a pole, I have to admire their perseverance. Coming through my checkout line or waiting at the front door of the store over, and over, and OVER. Pip only has me when I'm convenient to be there and he doesn't have any other plans. He was on fucking house/work arrest and was probably only so eager to hop in with me and go to food joints because it was literally the only chance he had of getting out without getting in trouble. He doesn't need me anymore, and that hurts. Then I remember that he has said we will do stuff this summer, but I don't think he'll follow through, and that hurts, too. Given the examples of them men I mentioned earlier, I have to concede, that if he were interested, then goddammit, he'd be after me, wouldn't he? I don't know what's wrong with him. Maybe he'll settle down in a few weeks once the shiny newness of his rediscovered freedom wears off and he'll go back to being the same stupid, lovable idiot I used to go to lunch with. Maybe he won't. But if his behavior this past week is any indicator of the 'real' person that he is, then well, I have to say I liked him a lot better while he was on house arrest if being a free citizen turns him into a redneck douchebag. Sometimes I've even wished he'd do something really stupid so he'd land his sorry rear back in jail and I wouldn't have to see him anymore.

The cycle keeps repeating, and I'm tired of it. I fall for him, he does something to make me think we at least have a chance at a fun friendship, that he really does care about me as a person, and then he'll grow cold, ignore me, I ignore him back, get pissed off at him, and start to fall out of love. I'll be nearly done with him, able to walk past him without the urge to go visit him or poke his arm, like this morning. And then sooner or later he gets real friendly again and my hopes soar once more, everyone comments on my quirky or unusually good mood, and Raj the Pharmacist will ask me if I've been swallowing Zoloft. I really hope I don't do this again, but I have a feeling it'll happen at least one more time before this whole crappy situation comes to a head and the pus of angst and bad feelings and broken hearts goes kablooey all over the place. I guess the most logical (notice I refuse to say 'easiest') thing to do would be to sit him down and have a heart to heart, to let him know how I feel about him. Okay, maybe not the "I know what you've done. I know what kind of a person you are and I love you anyways. I've loved you for the past year" thing, but the "Hey, you are a GREAT person and I think you're a lot of fun and I think we should have some no strings attached, weekend fun. We'll be as bad or as good as you like, and you can get as wild and lewd as you want. I also find you incredibly sexually attractive." If he's pleased, great, if he rejects me, that's possibly even better because at least then I'd have a straight answer and, be it right or not, a reason to hate him.

Jesus is my virtue, but Judas is the demon I cling to

Gaga is still making sense, HALP. It all goes back to my upbringing again. All my life I believe that drinking and sex were wrong. Well, sex outside of marriage, at least. And now I find the larger part of myself not caring and wanting to go there. Memorial day weekend I packed up car soap, sponges and a brush, picked up a six pack of Smirnoff Green Apple and went to Dixie and her husband's place where the three of us washed our trucks together and got progressively more inebriated as the night wore on. Mind, they know I'm an alcohol novice and kept a close eye on me so I wouldn't become an idiot or spend half the night hugging a toilet. I think mostly we ended up in front of YouTube or the TV or playing Xbox and then watching my Big Bang Theory DVDs until about 2 in the morning. In short, I had a pretty good time and intend on doing it again, even if I . . . I do feel incredibly guilty about it.

Then there's the part of me that really wants to just go ahead and lose the virginity. Not just for the hell of losing it, but . . . you know? Hopefully I'm making sense here. I don't see myself getting married anytime soon, so why not have fun? Pippin has incredibly loose morals, borders on alcoholism, and to put it bluntly just doesn't give a shit. I'm not sure he'll ever settle down or want something exclusive and somehow I'm ok with that and I still want him. We already get along and he's just THERE and single and has a drawer full of condoms sitting around collecting dust. (Dear god, what can I say, I have some weird-ass conversations with my coworkers) He spends most of his free time hosting liquor parties and getting up to all sorts of inappropriate hijinks, and while that once and still does annoy me to some extent, it makes him easy. Listen to me, I mean . . . it makes him easy?! But honestly, the idea of getting him just a little drunk and seeing if being under the influence will make him let me have my way with him has occupied my mind a lot as of late. Getting straight to the point, I seem to have decided that if I can't have him for a boyfriend, I want benefits between us. Like I said, I just wasn't raised to think or behave like this and it's frightening and empowering at the same time to just embrace it, and my biggest fear is the risk of getting pregnant rather than what my family would think. It's gotten to the point where I think Mom knows that I get up to stuff she wouldn't approve of. But all she says now is “Any kind of drinking, partying, going to jail . . . if it happens, I don't want to know. Just DON'T come home drunk and don't expect me to bail you out. But really, I just don't want to know.” What she'd say or do (since I live at home rent free) if I ever succeeded in my plan to seduce my friend I don't know, but I plan on doing my damndest if I can manage it. I keep making comments at him about taking him away or kidnapping him for the weekend and he'll somewhat reluctantly agree that we could try going to the river or something like that and then follow it up with “But I don't wanna corrupt you.” Ah, there it is again. Do I really come across as that innocent? Even when I was a church mouse, the guys, and girls, for that matter, would treat me like I was the innocent little baby sister and I hated it. I kind of thought Pips was different in that he doesn't stop himself from having lewd conversations with me or while I'm in earshot, but I guess it still nags at him like it did all those members of the contemporary Christian band years and years ago. Pip honey, my mind is a fucking cesspool and honestly I think a little corrupting would do me some good at this point. I don't wanna end up that lady who lives with dozens of animals (oh god, I'm already halfway there!) and dresses her dogs up in clothes. Although I have to say two of my friends in the pharmacy do this and they're wonderful gals. Married though. Let's just say I don't wanna end up a 60 year old virgin who dresses up her dogs. I know you're a nasty horny little bastard and our conversations have gotten more 'comfortable' and dirty over the past few months. I know you were a little drunk when we had the whips and cuffs talk and you said you like to be punished, but you were sober as a judge when you made that comment about the quiet ones being the ones you had to watch for, and 'damn I bet Shiny's a freak, aren't you?' and I haven't forgotten. That tells me your mind WENT THERE, at least once. Your mind might be wrapped around me a little better than I thought, but gods please don't be afraid to 'corrupt' me, although that's sweet of you to be cautious. I'm not sure how you can be such a gentleman and such an immoral bastard at the same time, but I love it. If someone pulled Sawyer and Charlie out of LOST and combined the characters, well, they'd have you.

Sorry for the frankness of my post tonight, but I want to be 'corrupted' as everyone jokes about me. I want this man to corrupt the hell out of me and I wonder if he'd be willing to teach me everything he knows if he found out just how inexperienced I am, if he hasn't already realized it.

Yes, I blame Lady Gaga.

You know you're in trouble when Lady Gaga makes sense

What the fluff? This guy is like a fritzy heating gauge or a broken cooler or something! He was doing his 1-10 yesterday (Well, 1-8. He told them that was the only way he could come back at 5AM and be functional) and asked me almost when I walked in the door when me and Dix were going to lunch because he wanted to come. Just like we all used to. Maybe I'm reading into things too much again, and he wasn't being cold with me but genuinely had things going on. God knows it's only likely, the way his life is. While May 6 came and went, and he's still not being totally up front with me about the house arrest I know he must be on, I gather the date has been moved and he's still got his leash on. But he's not being entirely evasive anymore, either. A Facebook conversation during which he was slap drunk and me and Dixie were being ourselves, I somehow got myself roped into paying for him to get "Hillbilly Deluxe" tattooed on one of his buttcheeks. I thought he'd wake up in the morning and change his mind, but it seems he really does want it, only "Not until after June 16." Today he scolded me for having 2/3 of the weekends off and said he's gonna make me come in and work produce, I told him to just request my weekends off instead and I'll drag him to the beach because nephew is probably moving away and I won't have a beach buddy anymore. He said any weekend after June 16 would be great. So it's not that he forgot he told me we could do stuff together this summer, it's just that he honestly can't, unless he wants to violate his punishment and go to prison. I really wish he'd just be upfront about it, although at least he's not trying to make plans he can't keep anymore, at least . . . with me. Dixie was all excited and told me I have to come over tomorrow because "Pippy's coming over and we can all get drunk!" Eru bless him, I know he's not coming, and he really shouldn't have told her yes, and I finally gave her a 'between me and you' heads up as to why he flakes out all the time so she won't get mad at him again. I'll go over anyways; she and I are both off until Tuesday and what better way to spend a 3-day holiday weekend? I feel bad because Mom told me "Oh sure, go have fun. Just don't do dope or get drunk . . . or run up a huge bill with premium text messaging!" (Yeah, nephew did some weird shit with his phone and is in hot water). I'm staying the night so hopefully I can sleep off the drunk and she'll never know. Another reason I just need my own place. I understand why she's concerned, both her father and my Dad's Dad were alcoholics and she's afraid I'll turn into one, too. But really, I need to live a little.

Maybe Pips will make good on his agreements to let me get his ass inked or take him to the beach, maybe he won't. Maybe I shouldn't spoil him like the typical, 'traditional' male would spend money on the woman. But I've been paying for nephew's dinners and movie tickets and taking him and his friends to the beach, and he's a grown ass adult, so I don't see the difference if I spoil Pips in his place. Maybe I'll regret it and start hating him again. But there's only one way to find out, and I guess it's better to regret doing something than to regret not doing it.

And now, tales from the Funny Pharm

Talk to any retail or fast food working and we'll tell you that one of our biggest peeves is a customer on their cell phones in line. It especially irritates the pharmacy technicians, because most of the time, dropping off your Rx to be filled requires MORE communication than flinging a piece of paper at them and then getting your panties in a wad when they tell you the wait is longer than five minutes. They often need to know your drug allergies (you know, so we don't dispense something that will kill you), and in the case of controlled drugs, your address. Don't approach the window, flapping your lips away, and then pointedly tell the person on the other end "Ugh, I gotta go, this lady wants to talk to me!" It's not appreciated in the pickup line, either. Older woman from last week, you should know better. You already held up the line asking half a dozen redundant questions, put a bunch of non-pharmacy items up for me to ring, and then pulled out your phone to DIAL a call and didn't pay me until you had finished your conversation. Everyone behind you was really pissed off, by the looks on their faces and the silent exchanges I had with them via eye contact, though fortunately none of them took out their frustration on me.

Rant the second - people who take and/or drop off scrips and have NO idea what they are. You are all just idiots and a medical disaster waiting to happen. FFS, know what this stuff is and don't tell me "I want the two I dropped off earlier, I just DON'T want the ones from Dr. Knowsnothing, I had an allergic reaction to that. I think it was a cream."

"Sir, one of the scrips you dropped off earlier is for a cream, and it's the only cream I see on here."

"I DON'T want the cream, I had a reaction."

"Nystatin?"

"Yeah, yeah that was it. I don't want it."

Then you came back later to pick them up, wondering where the fucking Nystatin was because that was one you DID want. You farking idiot! I told you multiple times I couldn't tell which Dr. wrote which scrip, I don't have that information on my terminal! How hard would it be for people to actually learn what they hell they're swallowing, slathering on, inhaling, or shoving up their asses? Nothing's quite as frustrating as someone with seven scrips ready who only wants to pick up one, but they don't know which one or what it's for. Well, it's a pill and it costs $4 a month and it starts with the letter M. Just like the other six.

And yet, I still enjoy going to work every day and wouldn't swap my job or coworkers for anything in the world.

Ah, sweet music

Back in October, I was listening to this with my head in the clouds. It was a good feeling.

Now I can't stop listening to this.



While the lyrics fit almost exactly, except for the first kiss part, since I never had one, it's not such a good feeling. Sometimes I sing it out loud, alone or with a friend, and it's freeing. Other times I sit and listen and cry quietly. It comes back in waves; I think that I'm over him, and then it all comes back again. Maybe weaker each time, but it comes back nonetheless, and I hate it. I never really got over the drummer from church until I met Pippin. And now? Now I have to wait for the next guy to come along and give me butterflies before I'm over this one? I wish I didn't feel the need to be validated by a member of the opposite sex, that I could just be happy with the friends I have. I saw him this morning and he waved. He waved, and that was it, he kept on walking where once he would have stopped and kept my attention for as long as possible. He used to come to the pharmacy and pretend to be a problem customer, or walk up to the drop off window and give Dixie a long, detailed, and hopefully fabricated story about a horrible fungus rash in his groin. And then he used to come by at lunchtime and harass me until I left with him. Why? Why did he stop? No rhyme, no reason, and I wish I understood why; it hurts, and I really wish I could just stop thinking about it, trying to figure out what happened for things to get so cold between us.

Maybe it was just me getting my response from him. I said I'd start to come on a little stronger, invade his personal space, touch him and try to cuddle on him. I did, and now he's pretty much gone. Someone I used to spend every possible free minute with, have lunch with three or more times a week, is now nothing more than an acquaintance. How sad. I'm kind of pathetic, and there's nothing I can do about it. We've seen it in TV shows and in movies countless times; there's this one poor man or woman who is a complete sap, completely and utterly smitten with someone who probably couldn't care less about them, the classic story of unrequited love that unfolds as the person's friends look on in pity, constantly trying to snap them out of it. But life isn't like the movies, not all the time. But I still hope I find my happy ending, in myself or in someone who really is worth my time.

What the . . .

I get annoyed with Blogger sometimes. I had this whole post typed out and went to post it only to find out the site went read only. I went into my drafts yesterday to post it and some of it was missing, and the site was still read-only. Today I went to see if I could post it and the whole entry is gone. BAH! Oh well. It all boiled down to:

We see some weird ass names in the pharmacy and everyone, pharmacists included, gets a huge kick out of them. Pippy and I talk from time to time, but nothing like before. The other night he was acting the narcissist again and posted a picture of himself shirtless in a cowboy hat and I'm fairly sure all the females on his friends list had a minor stroke, myself included. Dix even admitted to me that if she weren't married/wasn't friends with me and therefore aware of my doomed attraction to him, hell she'd be going after that, LOL. Oh well, everyone loves him. That was the basic jist of my lost post.

I wish I could say that it really is down to nothing but me investing a few fantasies in him, maybe involving me bending him over and whipping his ass until he squeals. But something kind of tells me he's interested or possibly considering seeing the bitchy little diva in health & beauty, and if I was strictly interested in sex, than why do I want to rip her insides out through her cunt? God, please take this whole thing away from me before it turns me into a horrible person. It's not fair. I have an amazing group of people in the Funny Pharm. Even Crotchety has his lovable qualities. It's not right that they pick at me and make me laugh all day, every day, week in and week out, have me over their houses (GIVE ME PUPPIES, OMG!), invite me out to clubs, and all I can do is feel like SuperBitch just because Pips is a Grade A asshole who says he loves me but doesn't act like it. One of the other cashiers wants to get everyone together to go out to club rodeo tomorrow night, and now one of the techs who shares my weekend says she's going to harass me about it all day tomorrow and then the day after if I don't go. On one hand, I really should go, because these are my friends, the people who DO want to do things with me and include me. People who answer phone calls and texts and don't back out of plans. On the other hand, it seems like anytime we do anything, it's always on the weekend I have to work, or when I'm particularly emotional about Pips, and I end up drinking just enough to turn my eyes into little hazel rivers once I get home. I just hate going out with them sometimes because everyone has someone but me and I kind of feel like a fifth wheel, you know?

And now, the inexplicable. Possible TMI ahead, just so you have a fair warning. I had some odd dreams last night. I don't remember them in particular, just that they vaguely involved one of the guys in maintenance at work. The only reason I can think he'd be on my mind is because his birthday was a few days ago, but I didn't see him or anything. And then today, shortly after I got back to work, he was slouching around the pharmacy area, pushing a damp mop and looking kind of moody and pissed off. And in that instant I became suddenly and inexplicably fucking horny. Not like I've ever been in my life. Not that I've had experience with sex or anything, but I have NEVER felt this aroused or 'needy'. Ever. It wasn't “Oh, I bet he'd be fun. Something to ponder.” No, it was more like “I just don't even care. I don't even need foreplay. I want to lock us both in a room naked and spread so he can have me like an animal.” That's just not like me. Not that it's a bad thing, but it's just so unlike me, and I don't understand where it came from or why it's aimed at him of all people. I don't dislike him, though I'm aware he can get pretty hot under the collar if he's rubbed the wrong way; he used to have massive venting sessions with me when he pushed carts and got mad at the other guys. I suspect he might have a slight thing for me, but I can't be sure. I just tend to get the warm fuzzies for someone before my mind jumps into imaginary scenes of pornography involving the two of us. It was incredibly distracting and I'm frankly amazed I made it through the workday without a coworker or customer asking me if I was quite alright. Eventually he took his mop and moved on and the feeling very gradually passed, and then I went to break and had some donuts, and I was almost normal. Then a while later he came by again and I flared up again. I was scared to even look him in the face because I was worried he'd somehow be able to tell what I was thinking about. I don't even really know him that well. Maybe I should see what he works tomorrow and ask him to the club with us. Or like other short-lived attractions, this too shall pass.

All work and no play? Not me!

So yeah, it's been a while since I tapped out some thoughts here. Truth be told, Not much has crossed my mind since I promised myself I'd at least try to mentally 'break up' with Pip even if we were never together. I expect I would have relapsed by now if not for the fact that he's been working almost exclusively 5AM-12PM or 5AM-2PM shifts. He says he's required as Downstacker (whatever that may be, I still haven't figured it out. Just that he does the job and Nature Boy wouldn't). Anyways, he's required as Downstacker to work 1PM-10PM once a month to do inventory. That opens up a whole 'nother rant about "What the fuck, corporate, have you not heard of a sleep schedule? Yep, he's gonna be SUPER useful on that odd day by 9:30 at night when he's usually been asleep for a few hours at least." So in short, we really don't see each other face to face much anymore. The last time, in fact, literally all I got was a quick and half-hearted "Hi, Shiny/Bye Shiny!" from him as he swiped the time clock and bolted for the doors. It's what I wanted, yes, for him to stop being quite so happy friendly bff type person, but at the same time it's disappointing. He'll write on my FB every now and then about how we never see each other anymore, but he never follows up or responds or calls me. Meh. This Friday is May 6th and I'm fairly certain that's when the good ol' Department of Corrections is going to take off his pretty bracelet, and I'm also curious how he'll act afterwards.

Regarding my post yesterday, yes, it was pretty much caused by the monthly onset of hormones, but I can't pretend it hasn't been lurking in my heart and mind, anyways. And yet I wasn't only crying because of the whole failed love interest thing - I had a friend. While I have girlfriends, I won't pretend that I didn't like going out with Pippy a lot better. Why? Well . . . all my girlfriends are married or at least dating someone. And it would be, IMO, pretty inappropriate if I were spending as much time with a married man as I did with him, but it was OK, because we were both 'safe', if that makes sense. I'd never had a really good guy friend before, not one that would go out with me alone just because. And I miss it. I don't know why he gets so chilly with me sometimes and chummy others. But a large part of me really does want him back . . . just as a friend. One that, instead of lamenting his love handles or saying how ugly he is, will laugh about it. One that will never beg me to go to the Breaking Dawn opening or watch The Notebook with him. Maybe after he gets 'loose' this weekend. Maybe not. Regardless, I would love to have a guy friend again. If it's Pip, great, if not, well then, that's ok, too. I love my girlfriends, but . . . yeah, I love men more.

And now for something slightly different. Instead of sitting about on my days off, worrying about saving every last penny, I'm going to let myself have a little fun. On the Monday after Easter, I packed up the Nephew and we drove to St. Augustine Beach for the day and it was nothing short of therapeutic. I'm thinking of going again this weekend; Dix may or may not tag along. If not the beach, then the local springs, and I might bug Pippy to see if he wants to come after work. He'll probably flake out or turn me down, but it's the thought that counts. FFS, I'm 27 and not getting younger to be sure. I don't plan on raising a family and it doesn't look like I'm marrying anytime soon, so instead of sitting home being miserable and planning for the future, I'll worry a little more about the here and now and making myself a happy person with what I have. Guys just wanna be my friends? That's certainly better than not having any friends at all, or only having them be around me because they're strictly romantically/sexually interested. I guess that's just me finally shedding a little more of the Conservative/Fundamental attitude I was raised with.

Maybe it's the hormones talking . . .

That tends to happen every few weeks, after all. I was just talking with my Mom about how to best back out of plans a friend keeps wanting me to make and out of the blue I said "I need a guy friend. I lost the one I had", and suddenly felt the urge to burst into tears. I miss that platonic/pseudo platonic thing I had and the stuff we used to do. Now I really am crying, goddammit . . .