Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I had second thoughts at the start/I said to myself "Hold onto your heart"

I don't care what consequence it brings
I have been a fool for lesser things
I want you so bad
I think you ought to know that
I intend to hold you for the longest time

Yeah, Shiny is feeling sappy tonight. Very, very sappy and frustrated and somewhat unsatisfied. Clothes shopping is very frustrating, and I'm sure thousands of women, and probably a decent number of men too, around the world, will echo my sentiments. I just ended up grabbing some affordable stuff at Wallyworld instead of spending heftier change on things I intend to be too small for in a few months. Dix keeps pushing me to get something loud and sexy and something that'll put my boobs (what precious little of them exist) into perspective. It seemed like a fun idea at first; the two of us out to lunch together and talking about my boobs and drinks and her party Saturday and what all we're gonna do. She seems to be planning to find a way to shut Pip and I in the spare bedroom alone together and see what happens, and I mentioned birthday spankings. FUN! I know he can be crazy and it'd be great if these things happened, but oddly enough, I probably won't care if they don't, either. Would I enjoy being trapped in a bedroom with him while both under the influence of alcohol? Heck yes! But . . . at the same time, if I could put that off for a while and instead just . . . be with him, I would. And this is where it just starts to get really frustrating. Maybe things would be much simpler if I only wanted to bed wrestle with him, but no. I've held his hand when we were playing around and being dumb all those months ago and I want to hold his hand again. I want to show him off. I want to bring him home and walk our dusty roads with him for hours on end and then curl up beside him on my couch. I know he spends a lot of his free time shut up in his bedroom at home with TV and pizza and chocolates and whiskey, and I want to go home with him and keep him company there. I saw him today and he had me wait a minute while he looked for a coworker to see if his department would be covered if he left with me for a while, but couldn't find anyone and told me he'd have to skip this one.

It ruined my whole fucking day. (Well, my day was already slightly ruined by the discouraging visits to the damn clothing stores, but this really didn't help).

I picked up the honey my nephew asked for and the milk my Mom asked for, and also stopped at Garden to pick up a new rosebush. Nice bright pink ones, since we don't have that color yet. As I was carrying them out to my truck, the cashier I mentioned in my last post, the one who asked if Pip was my boyfriend, was also walking out, and noticed the roses.

"Your sweetie buy you those?"

"Nah Allie, I don't have a sweetie."

"I know, we went through this last time we talked. But you'd like to have one. Someone needs to put a bug in his ear."

"Yeah yeah, I just don't want to scare him off though."

"Yeah . . . I guess you're right."

People keep asking us these questions. Me, anyways. If he does too, he doesn't say anything. But then again, I don't say anything either. People think he's my sweetie. People who don't even know him think that he should be. We're seen together all the time, and Mom says my whole freaking face lights up when I'm around him. He can't be too uncomfortable or people wouldn't be assuming things about us if he were constantly going around with this aura of 'I wish she'd go away' on his face. I haven't confirmed that I am in fact interested with more than a select few people sworn to secrecy, but everyone knows about me. His brother gets a really stupid, knowing kind of smile on his face whenever he seems me talking to him. Pip HAS to know. He just has to. Dix agrees with me that if he hasn't figured it out by now, he's got to be pretty damn dumb. What if he's sitting at home right now with the same uncertainties going through his mind? I wish I were more adept at letting him know I'd like to go to the next level with our friendship without coming right out and putting it all out there and risking rejection. That word and everything that goes with it scares me so much, because I've got a record for taking a very long time getting over people and I don't want to go through all that again. I've liked people before but God, none of them actually ever wanted to be friends with me. I never did have very many friends up until the last year or so, and I don't want to lose one of them now. With the other guys, I could waste away hours and hours in fantasy land, painting pictures of what I thought things could be like with them, but those futures never happened. With Pippin I can actually go places with him and talk with him and to some extent, touch him. I get cold hands easily and one of my favorite things to do is say "Guess what!" and put them on his neck because I know he hates being cold but he always smiles anyways. The last time I pulled that all he did was tense up and then laugh like he always does but I swear . . . the most amazing electric like currents shot all through me and caught me completely off guard. Maybe that only means I'm a horny little bitch, LOL.

I have his phone number now. Took me 9 months but I finally grew the figurative lady-balls and asked for it. Yesterday he sent me a rude and dirty joke that made me smile halfway through the workday. He's only a call or text away but I'm scared to seem desperate. The night for no reason other than I felt silly I sent him "I bought you a cookie . . . but I eated it." The phone thing doesn't bother me too much though, since I generally hate talking on them anyways and would prefer a face to face conversation, especially with him.

I know I need to give him his time and his space. I don't know why his marriage went sour or if he has an opinion of women in general, except that he does keep his distance from the two high-strung girls in his department. Gets along with them just fine, but doesn't go out of his way to get too close, either. If I can be a complete bitch for a moment, I've never particularly cared for one of them and got the distinct impression she dislikes me a lot, even when I worked there years ago. She wanted Pip to go out drinking with her and some of her friends on NYE and he said no, and admitted to me that he really didn't want to although he just told her he had to sit at home with his Dad. When I came to pick him up on Saturday I was walking around looking for him and I'm pretty sure she shot me one hell of a stinkeye. WTF, fix your own screwed up marriage lady. It's not my fault your husband cheated on your after you popped out baby #2. Chill. Could have just been my imagination, but I know stinkeye when I see it and damn. Anyways yes, I need to be patient with him. He has his family to worry about. His kids. Whatever skeletons are lurking in his closet. But I do grow so very impatient; I just wish I knew already, where he stands, where his mind goes should I cross it. He must have some kind of feelings for me, I just know it. I only wish he'd say something so I could be at ease, so I could go ahead and hug him without worrying it'll make him uncomfortable, so I won't get paranoid if he doesn't make as much eye contact as I think he should or if he has half a dozen other women trying to figure out his work schedule and asking him places.

Sometimes at night I have dreams that he's sitting across the table from me and I try to take his hand, but he pulls away. Then he reaches over anyways and grabs mine and just sits there and caresses it, looking uncertain but happy. And then I wake up, realize it wasn't real, and fight the urge to scream and cry.

I just, I just . . .

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