Relapse

I've kind of been neglecting this thing for a while, haven't I? Truth be told, I'm kind of embarrassed of myself right now, because I'm falling for Pip all over again and I can no longer deny it to myself. It kind of makes me feel silly, and weak, and a little stupid, and people will roll their eyes at me, but it is what it is. I am what I am and I do what I do. But if you have me on Facebook you were probably already aware of all this, or perhaps not.

Last week, Dixie once again jumped in front of me at the cash register and paid for my lunch, saying that I could just cover her the next day. Pips came in the same time with us the following day so I just mentioned "Hey, I'm buying lunch today, wanna come?" Being the person that he is, he immediately wanted to know when we planned on going, and I thought that was that. Dixie and I stopped to make creepy faces through the window in the produce doors and he came out to join us and we ended up going to Moe's Southwest Grill (which I highly recommend), since Dixie loves it and put me onto it, and Pippy had never been. Dix, being the stubborn dork that she is, ordered first and ended up paying for her own stuff and buying all three of us cookies and queso on top of it. "I've got me. You get him." Silly lady. So anyways, my stuff is ready, he's watching in fascination as the awesome guy behind the counter finishes his, and suddenly goes bug-eyed and slack jawed when I give my card to the guy at the register. Uh oh, I've made him uncomfortable, which in turn has made me uncomfortable, but I brush it off. "What?" I ask. "I said I was buying today." He's always joking around and asking me what I'm buying him for lunch, but I guess he never actually expected me to do it. After a few "Uh . . . well damn. Damn. Thanks!" the three of us found a table and generally had vulgar and immature conversation as usual. Well, maybe not as usual, since he's usually more reserved when it's more than just me and him, and we were all a little more 'loose' than we would have been knowing co-workers and managers were around. Sidenote: People have been getting fired left and right, so now we're all scared to let the convos get too dirty lest someone files a sexual harassment claim against us. Somehow the topic turned to lubes and flavored lotions and Pip & Dix were casually going on about how the ones that smell good don't taste good, and the ones that taste good are too sticky, and gosh Shiny must think we're a bunch of weirdos. Oh wait, nah, she's quiet. Watch out for the quiet ones, I bet Shiny's a freak, aren't ya? Guys, if you only knew. If you only knew.

And really, if they did. I wonder if they really realize that my mind is a cesspool but I've never actually . . . gone swimming. All in all we had a good time, and I was glad that Pip didn't spend the whole time fidgeting like he normally does when other people join us for lunch. The teenage girl in me was tickled that he put his arm across the back of the seat. When we got back to the store, he started up again with his awkward stammerings of thanks and I just told him to consider it his birthday present from me. I'm not sure if he's not used to people doing something like that for him, or if I made him feel weird because a female bought him lunch, or if he now in turn feels obligated to do something back, which I don't expect, obviously. But it was just something I wanted to do, whether it leads anywhere or not. He's never given me personal reason not to trust or like him, and he'll always be my friend, and I just wanted to get him lunch. I know I would have regretted not doing it.

Saturday he stopped by the pharmacy, made short polite small talk, and then launched into a vent about the aggravating day he was having, between his elderly coworker forgetting to do something, and then some nasty old bat of a customer throwing a rotten green bell pepper right at him. I think he mentioned it at least once a day for the following week. I'd be pissed off, too. Having something deliberately thrown at me is something I haven't encountered yet in my retail career. But for as cold and offstandish as Pip has been lately, he's seemed to start warming back up again, and things are like they used to be. I'll visit him in produce and he'll visit me in the pharmacy. It was probably my imagination, but as I was making a less than half-hearted attempt to end a conversation with him last week in order to rush to the back and manage to eat in what was left of my 30 minute lunch, it seemed like for a short moment that he leaned forward to hug or kiss me goodbye instead of just saying it, before catching himself.

This will probably not end well, and I know it. I'll let myself get far too attached to him and he'll get a new job, or move away, or worse, take up with someone who isn't me, and I'll get my heart broken. Or we'll end up giving it a spin and either realize it just won't work or end up hating each other. But I'm nearly 27 and I'm just so tired of having not really lived, of being in a sheltered world. I want to go after this beautiful mess. I often wonder how much longer it's going to be before one of us brings up a friends with benefits kind of situation, because he admittedly has no conscience and now I have his own word that he thinks I must be some kind of freak in the bedroom. It seems like it'll only be a matter of time and I know that I won't tell him no. Is it wrong to want to come out of my conservative baptist shell that I've only been wearing as a mask for years now anyways, even if it means involving myself with Pippin and his live-and-let-live attitude, his love of alcohol, and his batshit crazy family? Dixie is having a party at her place weekend after next, partly to celebrate mine and Pippy's birthdays and whoever else she knows that was born in February. She told me to see if I can get Ashley to swap out days with me because I'm supposed to work that weekend because I'll need day of recovery afterwards. There will be lots of people from work, people I don't know, and lots of alcohol. And probably Pippy.