Thursday, March 17, 2011

I think I need a hug . . .

Ok, so I went out and had a pretty decent time with my colleagues. And irritatingly, their lovable significant others. Everybody had somebody. I had the empty chair that had been saved for my friend that didn't show up. Pippy, you worthless, fuckheaded little shit! I saw him yesterday when I stopped at work to borrow the cat crates from Dixie, he said he would meet me at Applebee's tonight. I get why he's not showing up, whether he realizes it or not, I really do. But why, why then, does he keep saying 'yes'? Just say no. If you're on fucking house arrest, just tell me, you've obviously told Denise. I thought showing up alone was bad enough, showing up and having the unoccupied chair between me and Christian and everyone knowing why was ten times worse. I don't just need to distance myself from him, I need to make sure he realizes I'm doing it and he needs to know exactly why. I can't be friends with him, I can't. I get jealous when he talks to other women. The idea of him being with someone who isn't me makes me sick. I just can't get any closer to him. The sensible part of me says 'just say 'to hell with it' and move on with my chin up and my eyes ahead of me.

The emotional part of me, on the other hand, well . . . my face is wet right now. I wish I never looked at him. I wish he had never, ever started talking to me. I wish we didn't get along so well and that everything he does didn't make me smile. I'm so angry at him, not for constantly standing me up in front of people, but for getting in trouble in the first place. I'm angry at him for something he did before we even met. I'm also upset with me for letting myself care about him so much. I do have feelings for him, and I'm fairly certain I've come to love him, at least a little bit. I have to, or this wouldn't be hurting me as much as it is right now. He's so full of shit. If I were such a good friend to him, he'd be honest with me, he wouldn't pull this no-show crap and then come up with lame excuses. I don't even want to look at him tomorrow or hear what cock and bull he's gonna pull out of his ass this time. All I can come to the conclusion of is that I need to sit him down and break up our friendship because it's killing me. I want more from him and he obviously can't or doesn't want to give it to me.

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