Ah, the internet is really, really great (FOR PORN! lulz, j/k). Anywho, yes. It's great and horrible at the same time simply because it does put things right out there for anyone to find anytime they wish. Roughly ten months ago on a whim and because I thought it was funny, not that I was honestly expecting to find anything, I put Pippy's name through the search on the Florida D.O.C. and found out the person I was quickly developing a certain fondness for had committed first degree felony. As I've said time and time again, it's something I struggled with for a while but ultimately decided to overlook, for the most part. Then there's FaceBook. Tonight, our mutual friend and ex-coworker, D, (the one who had the surprise heart attack at age 37 a few months ago) left a message on his wall, asking how he was doing. He replied along the lines of, 'just working and waiting to be able to go somewhere, that time is coming up on May 6!' D knows what Pippy did, too, and like me, she doesn't care, though none of us have ever discussed it when the three of us were together, except for the time when we were still on remodel and Pip expressed some concern that a probation officer was going to call the store and make him lose his job. Maybe he remembers mentioning this in front of me, maybe he doesn't. If he does, he probably thinks I'm really dumb or oblivious or insensitive the way I keep asking him out to places outside work hours. If he doesn't, why won't he just tell me why he can't go anywhere? His comment to D pretty much confirms my suspicions that he was placed on house arrest/restriction last year. If he's embarrassed about this, I understand why he would be, but why is he afraid to tell me? Does he think it'll scare me, make me think less of him? If he's that worried about how I'll react, it must mean . . . something, right? I also noticed that D commented on the picture of me and Pip, saying "Aww, what a cute couple!" and she's likely just playing and doesn't really think we're together, I noticed he hasn't bothered to correct her, either. But on the same note, if he cares enough to worry about how I'll react to house arrest, he really should just come out and tell me, shouldn't he? It does kind of concern me that he's not being totally honest, and I wish there was some way I could let him know that hey, I already know you screwed up. You screwed up really badly and I wish you hadn't, but at the same time, I'm not gonna hold it against you and I like you and would be with you anyways. Should I just let it go? I mean I just can't think of a tactful way to let a person know I searched them on the DOC and already saw/smelled their dirty laundry, so to speak. I will at least stop asking him to come to stuff until after the 6th of May, though. After that . . . well, either we can finally hang out together outside of work or he'll go completely nuts at the idea of being 'free' again and party his way out of my life altogether. But he mentioned he was starting school in May too, so maybe he's keeping his head on after all.
My poor Mom though. I know it must be hard for a parent to know their daughter is completely smitten with and actively pursuing someone like Pippy. Yet she's been incredibly supportive through all this and even asks me how he is and if I got the chance to talk to him on a given workday. She honestly more bothered with the fact he comes with so much emotional baggage and doesn't really mention the criminal record much. Although I haven't and don't know how to drop the mini-bomb on her that his ex-wife is only the mother of one of his children and there's another 'babymomma' involved somewhere here. She won't like it much, I think. Anywho, she said since he keeps going on about May, May, May, I should check the DOC again and see if they lightened his sentence for good behavior and whatnot. Eh. It wouldn't hurt anything, but I have to say, and this is so screwed up that I'm even saying it about someone . . . I hate his DOC page. I hate that it even exists because it made me fairly sick when I found it. I hate the cold, factual way that it lays out exactly what he did and that he's under 'community supervision' for the next seven years. And I especially hate his mugshot. If you've seen him in my Facebook album or creeping round, leaving me comments, you might agree with me that he's very photogenic and IMO, pretty easy to look at. But this picture . . . it's ugly. He looks scared and small and generally very out of place, and it's his own damn fault in the first place so I don't feel quite right feeling sorry for him, but at the same time it makes me wanna hug on him even more because he is and can be so pathetic.
I believe in God, though it might not show a lot of the time. I'm a good person, in general, squeaky clean record, never done hard liquor, smoked, pot, anything like that. Never even been kissed. I didn't start the year of '10 telling myself "I'm gonna find the worst trainwreck of a man this spring and fall head over heels for him, that'll be awesome!" In fact, if I were someone else, I'd tell me to stop all this right now, how can you care about someone like him? But when it's me, I tell myself that none of us are perfect, that if we take away our social statuses and our money, what do we have left, really? Maybe it's just God teaching me how to love unconditionally again, but goodness gracious, WHY? God, you know how I am when I fall for people. Years ago when I was involved heavily with my church youth group, there was a certain person called DJ that I detested in every way, and even went so far as to tell my Mom that "He has a face only his mother could love!" That was incredibly mean and I suppose it served me right that I ended up liking him very much and I daresay it was only after I met Pip that I truly got over this guy. Said DJ would frequent my checkout line when I still worked up front, his fiancée alongside him, and he never once introduced her properly to me. They got married in October and I give them two years, tops, before it starts to crumble, and mean-spirited as that sounds, I don't think they'll last. Not that I want DJ anymore. I'm convinced that him drifting out of my life the way he did was nothing more than me avoiding a nasty bullet. He's 'clean', like me, but generally kind of a douchey person and I'm not sure what I ever saw in him, but I'll blame it on me being young and naive.
Not sure I've done any better on the bad guy with a heart of gold, but I certainly know which one of them has better manners and isn't afraid to be fairly transparent with me. Pip's like Charlie Pace and Sawyer smooshed into one wrecky person. Sometimes I just have to wonder if I'm not suffering from Jack/Harry Potter syndrome and wanting to 'save' him. Since I'm on a LOST kick, I guess I'll just end this with one of my favorite Locke beliefs - everything happens for a reason.